Don't Know How to Act, INstallment II: Straight, White, Male Co-Workers from my Summer Job.

So after the last, controversial, yet hilarious, installment of "You Don't Know How tO Act I," comes another rousing rendition of my not-so-witty banter against my coworkers from my office job this summer. I don't know what it is about white, straight men that they feel like they can say whatever they want to me, and about me, but I was so friggin annoyed that a couple nights ago, after chatting with my friend, we decided the second, "You don't know how to act," had to come into existence.

I have never worked a corporate, or semi-corporate job before. This summer, I saw an ad for a job fair only requiring a college degree and two classes in math, which I have to grade standardized tests. I applied, was hired, and told to come into the center to grade math tests. A few things as caveats: I hate standardized tests, especially for math, and especially because they often determine how much funding a school/school district/state will receive. I think standardized tests often limit the learning process and benefit those who learn in sort of white, middle-class, normative ways. At the same time, by fifth grade, students should probably be able to estimate how many days are in a month and do some basic math based on that estimation. Also, I am broke and was in need of a part-time job and this seemed like a decent fit. Well, educationally, sure, I was over-qualified, but I am not above working for $10 somewhere part-time, so when they said they were going to pay me $10.75, I drove to Longmont pretty willingly.

I was seated in a room with at least 30 tables of 12 people each. We all had a computer monitor in front of us and each table is trained on how to grade a specific question. It isn't hard, I felt like I could pretty much get in, work, and be done. Of course with that many people, with that many egos, it was going to be a challenge to navigate those close quarters. For the most part, I was fine, but I began to realize how sexualized my body became and how devalued my mind and voice was because I am female. The couple times I alluded to my queerness, it was sort of brushed over. What I should also say, is that my experience is not at all unique I'm sure, and the fact that I am white frames my experience in a particular way, meaning, I am privileged even as I am disadvantaged in a corporate space. And while, I felt this more pronounced in the one space, I know from what I have read/heard from women of color, their bodies feel exposed pretty consistently, something I am not as used to. Also, living in the academy, while not intrinsically safe, and has caused pain for many, that has so far not been my over-arching experience (again, I'm white and educated, and I perform middle-class pretty well) so I see how my positionality reflects my privilege. Like my FB status, I am glad to be in the academy, despite its flaws. Luckily, I had two pretty great allies at the table, or maybe I was allied to them? Either way, I appreciate their voices and back up, but this is for the a-holes that felt the need to just blab off to me, because they don't know how to act.

To the white, d-bag meathead across the way:YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT: It wasn't funny when you made that racial slur about Latinos and messing with one bean and the whole burrito. While I made sure to comment on the stupidity of that joke with an appropriate "Wha, Wha, Wha," when the Latino man at the end of the table sarcastically said, "I don't know that one..." when you made the comment about things being "retarded" I realized it was a pattern, not a one-time offense. While I am not about being P.C. being aware of the power and privilege that comes with the historical and political contexts of these words isn't about Political Correctness, its about caring about the ways our language influence other people's realities. Eff you for saying that it isn't the words, but my reaction to them, that makes them problematic! As if feelings, reactions, context, etc could be separate from the word itself? Then you had the audacity to tell me that I was close-minded and not willing to hear another side of the argument. While sometimes I am all for dialoguing and hearing voices of other people, in this case, I really didn't care what you had to say because what you were saying was hurtful to people (including me!), and allowing hurt to happen is something I won't stand to listen to-it wastes my valuable time and energy. I sort of draw the line at perpetuating pain towards others. Finally, when you asked me why I wanted to change the system, "What's wrong with the system," you said, and I said, "IT"S OPPRESSIVE," and you just laughed, I realized, the potential for any sort of dialogue process was worthless. I retract my high-five and fist bump from you, because YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ACT!

To my sneaky senior-reader, who I thought was nice, but was constantly sexualizing me: You Don't Know How to Act! Being female always puts the female body on display, for women from other marginalized groups even more so. All women's bodies are constantly the aim of scrutiny and measurement (I just read an article about ways to talk to little girls that value their minds instead of their appearances!) Anyway, I thought you were a nice guy, sort of nerdy and unassuming, but a couple times you made really inappropriate comments to me i.e. when I had a Banana-flavored Tootsie Pop in my mouth (I won't go there, but you get the idea) and on the last day as I was exiting the bathroom, you said: I just want you to know you have beautiful eyes. Every time I come over to talk to you, they are just so beautiful. While I get this as a compliment, it seems inappropriate coming from someone on a superior position who gets to evaluate me at the end to see if I am re-hireable for future projects. Why don't I get to evaluate you?!?! Not that you did a shitty job, but I would definitely comment on such a thing. And why is my body up for evaluation? Would you have told a male employee how good he looked, or how nice his smile is? Probably not. Of course there are a multiplicity of reasons why you wouldn't do this but it doesn't give you a right to do it to me either. Sneaky senior-reder, YOU DON"T KNOW HOW TO ACT!!

Finally: Mr. Trainer: You Don't Know How to Act! If it wasn't enough that you aren't that good at your job of training, the fact that you do it in such a masculinist way makes me want to vomit. Thanks for making the single mom at my table feel stupid when she asked a question on a specific problem she was grading(last time I checked, it was your effing job to answer questions just like these!!!) But of course you felt that you could speak with her in a patronizing tone, I mean she is obviously horrible at what she does and doesn't understand at all, even though she was the best scorer at the table and EVERYONE knew that! More importantly, she was female, so that makes her less-valuable and in need of a good chastising every once in a while! Ugh. However, Mr. Trainer, wasn't just rude to her, he also forced a guy to sit down and finish listening to the presentation when he wasn't done talking. Of course with him he used a demanding, not patronizing tone, because he's a man and can handle it. He also got an apology later, something which my table mate did not receive. Maybe you should let me boss you around for awhile, see how it feels? Or I could treat you like the ignorant a-hole you are and we'll see how long that lasts? Mr. Trainer, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ACT!

With all of this said, my job is over and I do not know if I will ever return. It is good pay, but kind of a drive and crap-tastic hours. But the people are so charming, it makes it hard to stay away, she said sarcastically.

Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants

I must admit, this idea is not solely my own and may turn into mine and RMP's blog on Don't Know How to Act: (Insert group that doesn't know how to act here (again, this will most often be LESBIANS)). I am hoping this can then become a book option and you know turn into a miniseries on LOGO, or if we're lucky we can become the new "Lesbian" Housewives series.

Anywho, I am writing this blog first, because as anyone who reads anything I write knows, I am probably first and foremost, a loving person. I am a person who genuinely cares about others, who is empathetic, and compassionate. I do this because I have an ethic of love in my consciousness at all times. I hope to relate across and through differences, I teach my students, often through example, how to live a life of love, not because of some magic key I will receive to pass go and get into heaven free, but, simply because it is the way I think people should live.

I have to be in a constant reminder that not everyone lives this way. And least of all do they do it with any sort of critical intention. Meaning, that few people think about the power that surrounds all the relationships we are in based on things like race, class, gender, sex, sexuality, age, ethnicity, religion, ability etc. These things mark our bodies in specific ways that are simultaneously unique and communal. People who are part of the dominant groups in these categories (and I'll let you play the guessing game of what those are) tend not to notice, unless trained, how these power relationships function in all relationships.

I write about this because at many different times in my life I have been told I do not perform whiteness well for a variety of reasons. Number One that I will explore right now, I am not very good at the white female civility performance that characterizes so many of the interactions we take place in everyday. Now, I admit, I have learned to be better at the performance, much to my detriment, since starting my more professional life and having to negotiate graduate school in its multiplicity. I want to clarify this as well, this performance isn't fake, it is an authentic performance of myself that I often do to appease other people, "the system," or quite literally, "the man."

But, recently, I have had to bust out of this performance because there is some effed-up Lesbian Shit happening. And I have dealt with it and not just passive aggressively, because oh yes, I sorta went off last First Friday (There was a push and a "F*$! You" involved). Granted this was a month ago, but, I feel that I am going to do it again if I don't lay it out in this public forum so as to maybe create some sort of public embarrassment for these people, or at the very least, get this shit off my chest, in a more civil white female way. Although, civil, I'm not sure quite describes it. If this was an academic paper I would be failing at the moment, "TOO MUCH SET-UP! NOT ENOUGH ABOUT THE TOPIC ITSELF." So here goes. Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants to the Denver Scene!


22-year-old twat face, yes, you remember her, the one my ex cheated on me with (whether emotionally or physically), she keeps effing showing up everywhere I am in Denver now. Granted they are public spaces and so anyone can attend, I feel that anyone with a spine, would at the very least attempt an acknowledgement of how awkward things are and maybe, Maybe, MAYBE Effing apologize for fucking up my life the first time?!? I know this may be hard for a 22 year-old-twat-face to conceive of, that she may have hurt a person of 27 she barely knows, but she did.

So, 22 year-old twat-face: You don't know how to act!! I realize that you and my ex are no longer together; please do not act like this is "No Big Thing," or that it was "Only two weeks." Do you realize how miserable you have made my life, first swooping in to steal my EP life, and now deciding to not only frequent every place I am in Denver, but to think somehow that my friends want to be friends with you and want you to hang out with them? Do you have a GPS Kathryn Tracker/ a desire to swoop in and take whatever my happiness is because it sure seems like it? Oh, I'm sorry, is this too narcissistic for you, maybe it isn't "About me," you are just trying to hang out and have a good time. BS! Grow a pair of ovaries, admit that you suck, admit anything, attempt some humility and then it will be nothing.

Bad Lesbian Friend from EP: You don't know how to act!! It is rude to not talk to someone for months when they are going through the worst breakup of their life and then, out of the blue decide once you are single you want to be friends again so as to use my friends/life as your social inlet to the Lesbian scene. That is just bad friend karma. And you know what is so funny to me, people have been talking shit about you for years and I always stood up for you trying to convince others you are not a bad friend. Ironic, huh? No, I do not respond to texts about "me and my crew" hanging out, why? Because it is just too transparent that you want to use me for my friends (and potential hookups) and no, I am not ok with that.

Bad Lesbian Ex from EP: You don't know how to act!! Do not tell me you have a crush on the former person I was dating. It's rude, and tacky. Sorta like you.

I need an effing flow chart to work through alla this drama. Until then, First Friday comes about but once a month and yes, I will be there, typical bells and whistles on from 9-11, just long enough to get my fix without staying for the portion of the night that turns into a crazy shit show.

All names/places have been abbreviated to maintain anonymity. Please take everything written as a worth a grain of sand and realize, I am just trying on these "Don't Know How to Act" pants for size.