So I am having a Carrie Bradshaw moment. Of course I have just gotten back from going out and while I could never afford the clothing that she wears while I sit here in my underwear and tank top (minus black bra-although that would be so poetic) I feel that my skinny jeans, black and red checked shirt, and grey ankle boots have done me justice tonight. But I am thinking about more than that. And I have to write ths before I can write the essay I want to write for the nca convention with my professo. I mean it is a challenge to write when other things are on one's brain. I am thinking about all the fucking shit my friends are going through and while I wouldn't write their experiences here I will say that I feel in this month alone I have been affected by friends than maybe ever before in my life. And I am writing about them mostly because I see how fucked up things are and how I really have it pretty simple. Simple enough to have these post-feminist inklings of romanticizing Carrie Bradshaw's life and desiring it for my own. But I am thinking of this episode called the Good Fight where Carrie moves in with Aidan and the SSB (Secret Single Behavior) and how the whole issue of moving in with someone and the meeting of needs. Carrie is so frustrated by Aidan's taking over of her space and his desire for her to give away some of her precious things, clothes, shoes etc. Right so Carrie talks about her desire to have her own space her own time to decompress, to be her own person. In the end she tells Aidan of his desires and he is so comfortable with it, he allows her to go into the bedroom and engage he SSB and once she is there she realizes it isn't what she wants. Once her needs are met then she finds they don't take the precedent any longer. While I find this sort of simplistic I do think that there is some truth to the words.
So I am trying this new thing called honesty and fidelity-two things that are a challenge for me, as any of you out there know me know. I don't believe in monogamy as an instituted sexual practice, however, I wouldn't consider myself polyamorous because I don't engage relationships other than sexual outside my primary relationship. And I truly believe that we do things-stupid things when we feel our needs aren't being met to our satisfaction. So what happens when one's needs are met? what happens when someone says ok, we won't be monogamous-and really means it. "I don't care if you sleep with someone it's just sex, I know you'll come home to me and that's fine." To an extent I find it easier to be more faithful, to really give relationships a shot and to give them what they are due-instead of the immature reactions I have sported in the past when someone says ok take your non-normative views, hold them close, I respect them. I respect how you live and how you challenge me to live. Of course in the middle of all of this I hear some beautiful Sade music playing in the background, "Oh when you're low I'll be there, hold you tight to me to me now." And I think about needs and what it means to have needs and to have needs met. To have an hour or more to watch x-files totally alone in my bed even though she my be in the next room cooking or doing something to take care of me. It;s strange my needs-which are often conflated with my wants, but to me some of my wants are needs as white and privileged as that may sound. So maybe when you feel happy, and not just happy but content in this really blissful way then maybe it is easier to be honest and faithful-to achieve the goals one has set for themself.
And by the way I think Carrie chose the wrong person in the end. I think she should have chosen Aidan because he really loved her and it wasn't just a sexual lustful connection. It was true, deep, and meaningful. While she and Big have always had this thing-is it fair to keep giving someone chance and chance again when all they want to do is hurt you and leave you questioning who you are. "when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
i will find you darling and i will bring you home..." right so how do we deal with the balance of need and desire. And maybe we deal by choosing the person who is in some ways toxic because they do make us challenge, and because they don't automatically meet needs But maybe just maybe we choose what is simple because in some ways that is queer-when everything else is a challenge to have someone to cook you dinner, pack your lunch, and listen toyour dumb stories may be more queer than trying to fight an uphill political battle to end the institution of marriage. Maybe we rewrite the narrative where we end happy (as happy as we can be) instead of traumatized, hurt, and engaged in a powerful debate.
"That's the thing about needs, sometimes when you get them met you don't need them anymore."
"you think id leave you down when you're down on your knees i wouldn't do that" ahhh that lovely Sade.
The story of my life
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