Teaching...the most challenging thing I have even done

I am writing this. I should be working. My jobs in very particular order:

1.) Research-I am here to be a researcher and a student
2.) Teaching-I am supposed to be helping to co-construct knowledge with a whole bunch of 18-23 year olds about intercultural communication

There are probably jobs 3 and 4, but I want to focus on my negotiation with 1 and 2.

I should be working. I have two short papers due next week. I should be doing job one, 70% of the time and job two, 25%-30% of the time. Let alone making time for myself. I won't even talk about that negotiation.

I should be researching. But I am reading to teach tomorrow. When you have others relying on you it is much harder to only allow them 25% of your life. Especially when reading, grading, and discussing their shit seems to be much more important in my everyday than does my research.

I should be, but I'm not.

Tuesday, a conversation broke out in my classroom about ideologies about gender and sports culture. "Women's sports are just not as entertaining. They are not full-body contact." "Women's bodies just happen to be more frail than men's bodies so they could get really hurt playing a full contact sport." "Well women get their hair done and nails done and those things don't go with playing sports."

I look around the room. I see her, my one white lesbian student looking stunned, my two female students of color, and my one white female student, their faces hanging low. Silenced again.

Rapid-fire memories of my own place in classes like this. Classes where I felt silenced, when women feel silenced, devalued. I remember professors who have allowed this to continue and my favorite professors who have called those students out.

Red flush rises.

"I have to be really honest, Sam, That was really offensive. In fact you really offended me."

Some relief on stark faces. Those faces curl in a smile.

A teachable moment, maybe not handled in the best way. Not a long-term solution. That's ok. I stand by my choice. Stand as an ally to my female students.

"I think that when you say that it reinforces ideologies of gender that say men are stronger, and women are weak," Clea speaks quietly.

A teachable moment.

Maybe it got through to someone.

How can I not take this into my everyday? Where else can I put it, but in my heart, head, body. Consume flesh with flesh. An eros of teaching/teacher/taught. As in little separation of student and teacher, because I am always being taught by teachers who are my students.

I should get back to my number one job. To be a researcher, a student. But how can I be a researcher without thinking about teaching tomorrow? More on culture, power, and identity.

Triage.