Relationship comparisons and affect

So I have been thinking a lot about relationships, mostly because I am trying to reconcile the death of some relationships with the birth of new ones. And recently, I had a friend who told me, "You are not ready to be in a relationship until you stop comparing the new potential intimate partner with the old." So I have been thinking about this statement because I wonder if it is ever possible to not compare old relationships to new ones? This stems from what I am currently studying and trying to make sense of which is queer theory, performance, and theories of affect. Very simply, I think of affect as the pre-sensing space of feeling or emotion, more specifically I conceive of it as Erin Manning does, as the relational space of moving sensation that occurs in the interval spaces between people, or as Sara Ahmed conceives of as surfaces rubbing together and the affects that arise from the rub of these surfaces. Similar definitions, although conceptualized differently.

I keep telling myself that without the past we cannot be in the present we are in. And how can we think of current relationships without thinking of how they not necessarily compare, but relate to our past relationships? While I am thinking specifically of intimate partners, whether monogamously or polyamorously (is that a word?), I think it can apply to friendships, parental/familial relationships as well. I guess, to me in terms of affect, or affective spaces, how can we help but think of relationships in terms of how they felt/and how they feel now? We are social beings who can only make sense of life through our relationships, unless you are what's his name from "Into the Wild," who still related to world relationally (not necessarily to humans) but to animals/nature etc, so how can we not compare. In comparing this doesn't necessarily mean thinking about the relationships hierarchically, but just relationally.

For example, when thinking about how someone broke your heart, it becomes very easy to romanticize new relationships that try to heal you from that space, restore faith in relationships, and humanity altogether. But as I was reminded, and am trying to negotiate, it cannot be the only reason for getting involved in new relationships, which I agree with very much. New relationships cannot be built on the foundation that they are different, better etc than a previous relationship. They are kind of being set up to fail if based off of that only. But, I do think we are always comparing, even as we try not to, and I guess, I also don't think this is bad. As my therapist tells me, "As we go through the process of a relationship ending, if we at least recognize what we do not want out of a new relationship, it makes the previous relationship worth it." And in this sense, I do think my previous relationships have all been worth it. Without them I wouldn't be in the place I am now, wanting to experience the sort of all-encompassing love I do. If we are processing the ending of a relationship (and I am) we begin to realize what we want, based off of what we know we do not want. This is usually understood in terms of the past and the past relationships we have had. I kind of want a fairytale, not in a stupid way, but I want to be silly in love, with someone who know they want to be with me no matter what. I do not want second-guessing and I want someone willing to do the difficult emotional labor of building a sustainable relationship with me. This is romanticized, I get that, but it is what I want.

I know this definitely seems like a sort of random post, but, it is what I am thinking about because of these very recent conversations which are definitely making me think a lot about the current/future relationships I form and how they will be influenced by the past. Just some thoughts.

So I am posting this video from Sex and the City, because it is the kind of love that I want and I am not willing to settle for anything less.