I put your picture away...

I moved my things out today. Well, I should say the new lady and I moved my things out of my old house today. And all that runs through my head is that horrid Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow Song, Picture. I won't even post lyrics or a vid because I feel like that would be dumb. We all know how it goes, or if by chance you do not, you are one of the lucky few. It was sad to move my things out but a bit cathartic as well. As in, I am excited that soon I can finally be fully liberated from my past relationship and from a place that I loved, but think I have somewhat outgrew (I spiraled out as they say,and I am happy to report that I am so glad I did!)

This weekend before the start of spring quarter, I am going to a step into spring yoga workshop/series with my favorite yoga teacher. Yoga has been really great for me, as there are things I need to let go of for sure.

As I told the new lady today, "I need to stop thinking people will put the same amount of care into relationships, because they rarely do and then I am let down." I am the kind of person who does try extremely hard to make things work, even when they shouldn't work. So I have high expectations, and people tell me that my expectations are what aid in my disappointment. Well, I find this to an outdated and incorrect adage. While, it's true that without expectations, I may not be disappointed, it is also true that without expectations , I wouldn't be amazed and appreciative of the fact that those expectations are malleable and thus transcendable (is this a word? Probably not?) So that when someone shows up at my door with an orchid (because the grocery didn't have maple blueberry sausage patties) I can be amazed that someone has actually been able to exceed those expectations and thus open up my expectations altogether.

I do not think expectations separate me from the present, but actually draw me closer to it. Basically, I think expectations are ok as is planning for the future as long as we also take time to be in the present. This is why I love nidra so much. It is not the meditation that tells you to completely clear you head, instead it asks us to focus our brains in specific ways. This is good for me as I do not think clearing my head is a very realistic option for me.

What I will say, is that I am in recovery. More than in recovery even. A place of joy, because I can look to the future and think about the potential for my life to be this amazing and beautiful thing. I can be in a relationship with a person who knows they want to be with me, who wants to share a home with me, wants to have a family with me (eventually, not tomorrow or anything) and this gives me some real contentment. Contentment through expectations. The yogis might not think it's accurate but the 27 year-old trying to figure out her life thinks it sounds just grand.