My First Christmas Without My Grandma...Imagine how hard this is...

Mistletoe, Colbie Caillat
--

Great
Fake plastic Mistletoe
Wrap me in a great big bow
And tear me apart

It's Christmas time
So open up the flood gates
Tell me that you'll be late
And rip me apart

Cause you say that, you say that things will be alright
But I've heard that, I've heard that so many times and I know that

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

It's Christmas time...

Cold
Icing on the walkways
Slip in to the games we play
We're falling apart

A great big house
That's made out of ginger bread
Crumbles to the ground
We're breaking apart

But you said that, you said that things would be alright
But I've heard that, I've heard that so many times and I know that

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

And I've been waiting for you to come
And it's hard cause I feel so alone
And I just want you to come home

Waiting for you to come
And it's hard cause I feel so alone
And I just want you to come home

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
And I'm still standing here three feet small
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

It's not Christmas if the snow don't fall
You're not here to keep me safe and warm
Lose our troubles because after all
It's Christmas time

It's Christmas time again
And all your friends, all your friends
Are smiling
It's Christmas time
--


--

strange proceedings

because I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis or irritation and break down of the wall of the bladder I am doing a test to have a permanent electrode placed in my bum. What is the most strange is that no one can tell me what the test is supposed to do because they are men and have never had one of these put in. I guess the wires are supposed to stimulate some area in the lower half of my body, it is supposed to tingle or flutter. No fluttering, no tingling-just a strange feeling of pressure on my sacrum. I honestly do not know if this whole test thing is even working right, and yet I have the permanent implant put in on Weds.

a buzzing
a fluttering
a tingling
none of the above
turn it to the left
dials to the right
nothing works
to make this pain go away

stand up
sit down
lie face down
drool on a pillow
pain on the back
stimulate the toe
perfect
perfect test


roll over
we'll explain
tingling
burning
pain in the uterus
vaginal area
your rectrum
this will help all of that

will it
will a machine make me better
will a machine change my life
will it
what will it do

it is hard to tell
from a simple
test

Fuckety Fuck Fuck

Lately my life has been what I would call insanity-quite literally in fact. From Sept-now I have lost my self, lost my computer, made bad choices and tried to reclaim myself as a student and a human being. I am having an interstim implant put into my buttocks next week, found out I will have to have a hysterectomy. I feel that the negotiation between illness and school and work is one of those things that sometimes makes me ache more than anything else. At least I have people to lean on, people who care about me. But it's hard, it's hard to be sick and tired and not want to get out of bed but have to in order to compete in a prospering and blossoming field. It isn't fair, life isn't. But I am somewhat wishing for a miracle, maybe it will be the interstim-I have had good things. As you see I have few cohesive thoughts and this is what I have to put out right now. Not much but a bit of an update since I have been off the planet for a bit.

changes

it's amazing how theory comes into praxis when I start considering the way my identities change over time. I feel like such a different person from when I was in high school, college, South Africa, Ohio, last year, last week even. I am amazed at how things change when we least expect them or how they stay the same when we try so hard to be different. It's amazing how desires change based on situations, based on trauma, based on pain-physical, mental, and emotional. I am amazed how much things change, how much I change, and how constant it is.

my life on twitter

so i joined twitter because I really do nothing else via internet to let people know what I am up to. Well twitter is hilarious because it is super micro, you can tell people your dreams for the future or the fact that maybe you just took a poo. I mean who would write that-but the point is that you could. Better yet it can get texted to people via their phone-even better. It i also the ultimate form of voyeurism, not only do you get to decide what people do and don't know about you but whoever is "following" you can see what you wrote at almost any moment. So both people or the multiple people participating are all engaged in this fetishistic voyeuristic game. And I love it. I wish people did it more so I could feel like I am even more connected-ok that was a joke but also sort of true-I would never think admit I like knowing what people are doing at any given moment but I guess that is what I am admitting to. So all of you out there please keep twittering with me so I can feel like I know you-like I really really know you. Or don't. Your choice.

Ack-I got soap in my eye

So the other day I went to Whole Foods-which is inevitably a place I do not belong. In Boulder (and most likely everywhere else) Whole Foods is like fly paper for dirty yuppies who feel that they need all natural organic food at outrageous prices. The parking lot is the size of a barbie condo and is even worse because it is under construction making my desire to run people over like ginormous and one. But I went to simply refill my freaking Dr. Bronner's bottles-which, apparently you have to take the bottles to customer service and weight the bottles, they don't trust you to do it yourself like at most smaller co-op stores. So I didn't do this because I didn't know that we were supposed to and continued to proceed back to the soap station. I was filling the lavender one and decided to also do it half baby mild because I love baby mild. When I went to pump the baby mild the pump was sort of broken and up on the higher shelf. I tried to kind of jimmie rig the thing by slamming the top of the pump down and holding it in place. As I was attempting to do this I slammed down on the pump trying to get it into my bottle and my hand slipped. The Baby Mild came shooting out and splashed into my face directly hitting my eye. Oh my goodness the pain of castille soap in the eyeball. And of course there is no water in that store anywhere close by. Luckily a very nice fish counter working man was walking by and was like come with me to the back to the eyewash station. He proceeded to hold my hand and guide me through the store, meanwhile I am cracking up laughing to keep from crying because it hurt so so badly. Then I used the eyewash station which I have never done before and the fish counter dude hadn't used it either but we figured it out mine with one eye closed and blurry. I was able to clean ot my eye, however my entire outfit and chest were still covered in Baby Mild soap and it wasn't until I got back to Estes that I was able to shower and wash it all off.

I would recommend not going to Whole Foods ever as it is a scary alternative universe. And just because the food is organic doesn't make it local, free range, or sustainably made. And they really should fix the pumps on those bottles...

Folks Festival

So this past weekend I made my way to folks festival which was a very good time. Despite the fact in rained all day Friday and most of the day Saturday we were all able to remain in good spirits except for Friday night, where I honestly thought I might freeze.

The music was definitely an amazing a beautiful thing. Friday I saw the likes of Shawn Mullins, Dar Williams, Patty Griffin, and Amos Lee. Although I did spend the majority of the day shivering and frozen. I have never in my life seen it rain so hard in Colorado. It rained and poured without end for a day and a half. Not only that but I was not prepared for it at all. I didn't really have any rain clothes and definitely not for such a dismal storm. Luckily my mother being nice as she is brought me bags of dry warm, waterproof, clothes on Saturday. But by the end of the day I was ina tank top and rolled up jeans. The weather in Colorado is such a funny and ironic thing. I often think it plays tricks on purpose.

Saturday was also fairly miserable until later in the afternoon. Some of the musical delights of Saturday were Sarah Sample the winner of last year's folks fest competition. Also Susan Werner who is like a pagan atheist social justice gospel singer was a wonderful morning act. Also that night day saw Todd Snider who is pretty great for a straight white guy. Then Greg Brown played and he has a very down-homey rustic roots sound. Plus he represents Iowa to me not only because he is from there but I saw him at Luther for a Co-op concert one summer. Also saw the Waifs a great Australian band fronted by two women. That was a great set and with the sun finally coming out just seemed perfect to jam out to Lighthouse Man.

Sunday we awoke to possible sunshine and a bunch of water and mud in the tent. For music a real treat was seeing Moira and VOCO a pretty much a'capella all female group that also did some rhythm sections resembling a ham bone. Melissa Ferrick was aso a treat as she was ina good mood and actually played Win Em' Over her semi Colorado song. However, she is like the most high maintenance musician ever! Fix this sound and that sound and turn up my guitar louder and louder-crazy! Then the most special part of my whole Festival experience was the surprise that Ellis, an amazing singer-songwriter from the Twin Cities was playing in the more intimate Wildflower Pavillion. She played a great set with some new really great songs and seeing her in Colorado for the first time was just so entirely magical. As many musicians noted, it's so great to play in Colorado, great place to recharge batteries to face the coming year. To close out the evening I saw Tim O'Brien a bluegrass legend or god! He was amazing-probably my new favorite from the festival. And he's actually kind of old, but he can pick an amazing banjo!

To finish the evening was KT Tunstall a not so Folkie ending to Folks Fest. In fact her show was all rock and pop but it was great fun and when she played Black Horse and a Cherry Tree it was hard to resist dancing. She really finished off the night in an upbeat and energetic way.

The festival should also be commended for its green initiatives. All food sold by vendors was in compostable or recyclable containers. Forks made of potatoes who knew? It was great, but I was surprised to not see more social justice booths and initiatives at the Festival. I was surprised to not see Planned Parenthood, HRC, or local LGBT and feminist organizations. It all seemed very strange to me. The Festival was also filled up with mostly white yuppies who tend to care more about wind energy and solar panels than ways to relinquish privilege. So that was a bit frustrating. And while I can never replace The Michigan Womyn's Music Festival as a space and time, Folks Fest was definitely a a good new and different experience and I actually felt myself in a more relaxed space in my head then I ever had been at Michigan...maybe it was my new shaved head and lack of showering. I tried to keep all my clothes on because it was so cold and not worry so much about superficial things like appearance. With that said I did deeply miss all womyn's space but it was good to be in an "all inclusive" space too.