Relationship comparisons and affect

So I have been thinking a lot about relationships, mostly because I am trying to reconcile the death of some relationships with the birth of new ones. And recently, I had a friend who told me, "You are not ready to be in a relationship until you stop comparing the new potential intimate partner with the old." So I have been thinking about this statement because I wonder if it is ever possible to not compare old relationships to new ones? This stems from what I am currently studying and trying to make sense of which is queer theory, performance, and theories of affect. Very simply, I think of affect as the pre-sensing space of feeling or emotion, more specifically I conceive of it as Erin Manning does, as the relational space of moving sensation that occurs in the interval spaces between people, or as Sara Ahmed conceives of as surfaces rubbing together and the affects that arise from the rub of these surfaces. Similar definitions, although conceptualized differently.

I keep telling myself that without the past we cannot be in the present we are in. And how can we think of current relationships without thinking of how they not necessarily compare, but relate to our past relationships? While I am thinking specifically of intimate partners, whether monogamously or polyamorously (is that a word?), I think it can apply to friendships, parental/familial relationships as well. I guess, to me in terms of affect, or affective spaces, how can we help but think of relationships in terms of how they felt/and how they feel now? We are social beings who can only make sense of life through our relationships, unless you are what's his name from "Into the Wild," who still related to world relationally (not necessarily to humans) but to animals/nature etc, so how can we not compare. In comparing this doesn't necessarily mean thinking about the relationships hierarchically, but just relationally.

For example, when thinking about how someone broke your heart, it becomes very easy to romanticize new relationships that try to heal you from that space, restore faith in relationships, and humanity altogether. But as I was reminded, and am trying to negotiate, it cannot be the only reason for getting involved in new relationships, which I agree with very much. New relationships cannot be built on the foundation that they are different, better etc than a previous relationship. They are kind of being set up to fail if based off of that only. But, I do think we are always comparing, even as we try not to, and I guess, I also don't think this is bad. As my therapist tells me, "As we go through the process of a relationship ending, if we at least recognize what we do not want out of a new relationship, it makes the previous relationship worth it." And in this sense, I do think my previous relationships have all been worth it. Without them I wouldn't be in the place I am now, wanting to experience the sort of all-encompassing love I do. If we are processing the ending of a relationship (and I am) we begin to realize what we want, based off of what we know we do not want. This is usually understood in terms of the past and the past relationships we have had. I kind of want a fairytale, not in a stupid way, but I want to be silly in love, with someone who know they want to be with me no matter what. I do not want second-guessing and I want someone willing to do the difficult emotional labor of building a sustainable relationship with me. This is romanticized, I get that, but it is what I want.

I know this definitely seems like a sort of random post, but, it is what I am thinking about because of these very recent conversations which are definitely making me think a lot about the current/future relationships I form and how they will be influenced by the past. Just some thoughts.

So I am posting this video from Sex and the City, because it is the kind of love that I want and I am not willing to settle for anything less.

Ellis, Give Me Your Hand

I have this strange thing happening in my brain where I feel as though my life has movie clips (like snapshots of thoughts) and a full-on soundtrack to describe my space right now. This has always been my favorite Ellis song.

ELLIS, Give Me Your Hand

if she could describe how hard it is
how hard it is to survive
she needs something to lean on
how ‘bout you, how ‘bout you
she hesitates to ask, she leans on you
she doesn’t ask it’s easier
nothing is wrong, nothing will go wrong
everything’s fine
if you give me your hand
i’m on my way up if you give me some time
i think too much, i know you’ll understand
she sees her reflection
broken silence is blind
she can’t understand, her mind trapped in blue
you need something, you’re so good, you never ask
it’s easier
chorus
if we take chances to show how we feel
will we hurt each other beyond what can heal
and isn’t love the most important thing
i need you to know
the silence we hold close will tear us apart
we can open our selves, we can start understanding
i just ask you to listen
put your arms around me
let me cry like a child, don’t ask me to see
chorus

Listen here: Give Me Your Hand

Anyday, Ani DiFranco

This song has been calling to me for a few days now. I stopped listening to it awhile back, but it has remade it's way into my repertoire of favorites. It's amazing how songs can follow you through relationships, or periods of time, then you might break up with them and maybe in the end you get back together. I'm glad to be reunited with this song-it's so honest and as one of the commenters on the video says, "medicinal." I like that.

Anyday, Ani DiFranco


I will lean into you
And you can be the wind
I will open up my mouth
And you can come rushing in
You can rush in so hard
And make it so I can’t breathe
I breathe too much anyway
I can do that anyday

I just wish I knew who you were
I wish you’d make yourself known
Probably you don’t know I’m her
The woman you want to call home
I’ll keep my ear to the wall
I’ll keep my eye on the door
’cause I’ve heard all my own jokes
And they’re just not funny anymore
I laugh too much anyway
I can do that anyday

Have you ever been bent or pulled
Have you ever been played like strings
If I could see you I could strum you
I could break you
Make you sing
But I guess you can’t really see the wind
It just comes in and fills the space
And everytime something moves
You think that you have seen it’s face
And I’ve always got my guitar to play
But I can do that anyday

Week 7 breathing and music...last country song promise

A very lovely friend made me a "Forget You" C.D and I love, love, love it!!! :-)

So, this is one of the songs from it and yes, it is a sappy country song. And I promise it is the last one, but I like it. It's empowering...not just angry and I think it describes the place I am at right now. I like it also because it is hopeful...like me. Le sigh. I recently read this blog post and I thought it said something really smart: (to paraphrase) It isn't that the breakup is still so painful or killing me, but it is the fact that I had these plans made for my life and what it would like and now they are totally changed. "i can't keep trying to maintain this balance of dealing with the heartache of losing a relationship that i worked so hard to maintain...losing so much more than that relationship...i've had to change the way i envision my future now."http://asongfortheday.blogspot.com/2007/11/so-i-went-to-ani-difranco-concert-in.html

Getting used to living a new life is how I am getting a little bit stronger everyday. I'm still angry that my plans were altered so abruptly and without my consent, but that is the way it goes sometimes. And when that happens it helps to have really good friends around, willing to be buffers, willing to take you out for a night on the town, and willing to just stay in and watch a movie. But friends aren't always going to be there and my therapist has a life besides handling my problems, so I have myself. And I actually really enjoy my own company. I took myself to Black Swan yesterday, first time going to a movie alone. And I really liked it. I didn't have to worry about if anyone else liked it, if they would eat the popcorn and junior mints, or thought it was too creepy...and I only had to pay for me. It's a lot cheaper to just date yourself. So even though I hear those songs and get sad thinking about what could have been, I keep telling myself it will be ok. And I think maybe, I am beginning to believe it.




Sarah Evans, A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger


And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

My Fave Glee Moment: Forget You!!!

This is my fave Glee moment!!!




lyrics to Forget You / Cee-Lo

(Chorus)
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shit?
ain't that some shit
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

Yeah I'm sorry, I can't afford a ferrari,
But that don't mean I can't get you there.
I guess he's an xbox and I'm more atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.

I pity the fooool that falls in love with you oh
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know n*!$&)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shh?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

Now I know, that I had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with you ain't cheap.

now, I pity the fool that falls in love with you ohh
(oh shh she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know n*&$!)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
uh! I really hate your friend right now!

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shh?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?
(so bad, so bad, so bad)
I tried to tell my mamma but she told me
"this is one for your dad"
(your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you
I still Love you!! Ohhhh...

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shit?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

By Cee-Lo Green

Why I hate STUPID white men

So although I am going through this nasty divorce (of sorts) process, my life still goes on. I mean it has to. In doing this I have been having some family drama since late last night and all day today. I won't get much into it except to say that in the end there were several e-mails exchanged between my uncle and me. Now, for anyone who knows anything about my family, I find them to be awesome and most accepting of me and the fact that I am a queer lesbian. While I am sure they take it in stride sometimes, I know that my mother and my brother love me very very much and are very cool about my life and the way I choose to go about living it. This is not to say being queer/lesbian is a choice, but I believe in a comprehensive view on the formation of sexuality (physiology, language, environment, performance) etc. This is not to air out my dirty family laundry, but I do think it is an important thing to write about, because it is about families, it is about communication, and the communication in itself could definitely be a place for further study in my life.

So the last e-mail I received from attempted to harangue me, saying that what I do in school isn't "real" because it isn't math or science. He also made sure to tell me that he doesn't hate me because I am a lesbian but because I am a mean person (which he also attributes to genetics-weird because we are related?) And then in the last paragraph proceeded to tell me that at least he has a son and that the dildos I use have no semen coming out of them, so I couldn't be a mother anyway. WTF?!? REALLY?!? GROSS! And last time I checked queers were still allowed in various ways to have children. Wow-low blows for sure.

This is why I hate STUPID white men. Now to clarify, not all white men are stupid, far from it. In fact my best friend and my roommate are both straight white men and I love them both very much. What I dislike are white men who try to define my life for me and tell me what I am and what I am not. I am also not a big fan of white men who refuse to acknowledge their power and privilege in this world (of course I am annoyed by anyone who cannot do this!) I am also super annoyed that my school, my job, my life were dismissed so incredibly hard. I mean really, really, math and science are the only real things? I would like to suggest that without communication we couldn't teach those things-in fact we could teach nothing-so really I am pretty sure communication research and study is important.

I proceeded to e-mail this letter which I will include here and then blocked all of his incoming e-mails. I apologize for the profanity and warn now that if it offends you-DO NOT READ IT!

My name is Kathryn-not Kathy-but you wouldn't know that about me,
because you know absolutely nothing about me.

You are a despicable, ignorant asshole. I don't hate all white men,
what I hate are STUPID white men who use things like sexual orientation
as fodder to hit a person below the belt (YOU!) I am in fact a very
nice person, except when assholes like you decide to engage in this
behavior simply out of sport and ignorance. In which case no I am not
the subservient little woman you appreciate. I speak my mind loudly,
and don't abide by the female codes of civility expected by you or
society. If that makes me mean, then I'm glad. I am not angry, nor
spiteful, unless it comes to people like you who refuse to acknowledge
their power and privilege in this world because they are simply too
ignorant to recognize it.

As for what I am getting a degree in, you have no idea what I am doing
or what I value-again in your ignorance you assume you can speak for
and at me, which is exactly why I do the work I do. To keep ignorant
douchebags like yourself from gaining any more power than you already
do. I'm also pretty sure you maybe have a B.A. and did nothing with
it or with your life-you are a loser-plain and simple. So when it
comes to doing REAL things, I am pretty sure you don't do them either,
in fact you do nothing but drugs and being in pain and wanting to die.
Yeah, that's a very decent life and role model you are setting for
your son.

You may actually be the worst parent I have ever seen. Kicking your
child while on family vacation-wow it's a wonder why they let people
like yourself procreate-this is where forced sterilization might
actually come in handy. It's honestly a shame, because your son is
suffering at your own hands and you fail to recognize that. But
again, being anything other than a loser is not your strong point-you
always have been and as far as I am concerned you always will be.

My sexuality is not up for debate or your insults you fucking asshole.


Fuck you.

the end.

To not end in this extremely negative way, I feel like at least I am strong enough to write something like this. I am a passionate person and I love what I do and I am good at it. And I don't abide by the codes of white female civility that says I need to be quite, and subservient to a man, I don't think that makes me mean. It makes me a strong, independent, fierce, and fabulous feminist, of which, I am very proud. So take that douchey white men of the world and for all you white men out there who are doing good work around your identity, power and privilege, I salute you. You are allies not foe and I have so much respect for that!

the end.

Love Kathyn

something funny...

tx bro!!!