I have been gluten free for about three weeks now; although I have had slip ups. I'm just not used to the fact that so many food use gluten as a binder. Gluten even exists in BBQ sauce, one of my favorite condiments.
As of this summer I became very conscious about the foods I put into my body because I realized how much my body suffers from consuming too much of certain foods and not enough of others. This meant cutting out most of my dairy intake, primarily cheese. But I also drink my coffee black. I also cut out a lot of sugar however, since starting back to school, my sugar has definitely increased, I think it is all of those trips to Yogurtland. I know yogurt is dairy, but for some reason it impacts me in a good way, instead of negatively.
But as of three weeks ago I was told by the Dr. to try to be gluten free for six weeks to see if some of my symptoms, inability to digest food, constant itchiness, and general sloth-like behaviors. There was also a scare that this might be related to my having MS. So I am hoping it is a gluten issue and not the other. So I have stopped consuming so many of my normal foods, or replacing them with gluten free varieties.
With this, I have to admit, I feel probably 50-75% better most days, more days closer to the 75% mark. This is promising. However, it makes it hard to eat and I get annoyed when someone is making pasta and I have to be like, "Oh, I can't eat that." I become annoyed with myself, for being privileged enough to make dietary choices. I'm sure many people with gluten intolerance/sensitivities do not have the choice to buy the more expensive gluten free varieties of foods.
But, at the same time, just because I am privileged to make these choices should I not make them so as to stand in some sort of solidarity with those less-privileged by not consuming them? I am going to say no because I won't be standing at all if I continue to eat the way I had for years without putting any thought into it and if I continue to consume products full of gluten. But it is hard and I am often conflicted by my desire to want to hold myself accountable to my privileges and needing to take care of my body which according to Ayurvedic thought and medicine is all about the foods we consume and at what times during the day/month/season we consume them.
I will say I am lucky to be discovering this in Colorado because there are so many places that cater to those needing gluten free foods. For instance last night at Watercourse, the hipstery Uptown restaurant in Denver, I was able to eat a gluten free vegetarian meal and finish it with amazing gluten free chocolate cake and vegan ice cream. Quite the indulgence, but, when it's available I feel like I need to seize the moment and eat. I am not vegetarian and definitely not vegan, but this place and its sister restaurant, City O City do at least offer gluten free options. So, it isn't as challenging as it could be. My new lady is also very supportive of this huge switch in my dietary consumption. She often checks things more thoroughly then I even do when at the grocery and is willing to get the gluten free pizza because they only make it in the large size. So I am lucky for that too and to have a supportive best friend who said he would eat that way around me too, in an act of solidarity, in great hopes that this proves to be a gluten allergy and not MS. Everyone seems really supportive of that idea at the very least.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants
I must admit, this idea is not solely my own and may turn into mine and RMP's blog on Don't Know How to Act: (Insert group that doesn't know how to act here (again, this will most often be LESBIANS)). I am hoping this can then become a book option and you know turn into a miniseries on LOGO, or if we're lucky we can become the new "Lesbian" Housewives series.
Anywho, I am writing this blog first, because as anyone who reads anything I write knows, I am probably first and foremost, a loving person. I am a person who genuinely cares about others, who is empathetic, and compassionate. I do this because I have an ethic of love in my consciousness at all times. I hope to relate across and through differences, I teach my students, often through example, how to live a life of love, not because of some magic key I will receive to pass go and get into heaven free, but, simply because it is the way I think people should live.
I have to be in a constant reminder that not everyone lives this way. And least of all do they do it with any sort of critical intention. Meaning, that few people think about the power that surrounds all the relationships we are in based on things like race, class, gender, sex, sexuality, age, ethnicity, religion, ability etc. These things mark our bodies in specific ways that are simultaneously unique and communal. People who are part of the dominant groups in these categories (and I'll let you play the guessing game of what those are) tend not to notice, unless trained, how these power relationships function in all relationships.
I write about this because at many different times in my life I have been told I do not perform whiteness well for a variety of reasons. Number One that I will explore right now, I am not very good at the white female civility performance that characterizes so many of the interactions we take place in everyday. Now, I admit, I have learned to be better at the performance, much to my detriment, since starting my more professional life and having to negotiate graduate school in its multiplicity. I want to clarify this as well, this performance isn't fake, it is an authentic performance of myself that I often do to appease other people, "the system," or quite literally, "the man."
But, recently, I have had to bust out of this performance because there is some effed-up Lesbian Shit happening. And I have dealt with it and not just passive aggressively, because oh yes, I sorta went off last First Friday (There was a push and a "F*$! You" involved). Granted this was a month ago, but, I feel that I am going to do it again if I don't lay it out in this public forum so as to maybe create some sort of public embarrassment for these people, or at the very least, get this shit off my chest, in a more civil white female way. Although, civil, I'm not sure quite describes it. If this was an academic paper I would be failing at the moment, "TOO MUCH SET-UP! NOT ENOUGH ABOUT THE TOPIC ITSELF." So here goes. Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants to the Denver Scene!
22-year-old twat face, yes, you remember her, the one my ex cheated on me with (whether emotionally or physically), she keeps effing showing up everywhere I am in Denver now. Granted they are public spaces and so anyone can attend, I feel that anyone with a spine, would at the very least attempt an acknowledgement of how awkward things are and maybe, Maybe, MAYBE Effing apologize for fucking up my life the first time?!? I know this may be hard for a 22 year-old-twat-face to conceive of, that she may have hurt a person of 27 she barely knows, but she did.
So, 22 year-old twat-face: You don't know how to act!! I realize that you and my ex are no longer together; please do not act like this is "No Big Thing," or that it was "Only two weeks." Do you realize how miserable you have made my life, first swooping in to steal my EP life, and now deciding to not only frequent every place I am in Denver, but to think somehow that my friends want to be friends with you and want you to hang out with them? Do you have a GPS Kathryn Tracker/ a desire to swoop in and take whatever my happiness is because it sure seems like it? Oh, I'm sorry, is this too narcissistic for you, maybe it isn't "About me," you are just trying to hang out and have a good time. BS! Grow a pair of ovaries, admit that you suck, admit anything, attempt some humility and then it will be nothing.
Bad Lesbian Friend from EP: You don't know how to act!! It is rude to not talk to someone for months when they are going through the worst breakup of their life and then, out of the blue decide once you are single you want to be friends again so as to use my friends/life as your social inlet to the Lesbian scene. That is just bad friend karma. And you know what is so funny to me, people have been talking shit about you for years and I always stood up for you trying to convince others you are not a bad friend. Ironic, huh? No, I do not respond to texts about "me and my crew" hanging out, why? Because it is just too transparent that you want to use me for my friends (and potential hookups) and no, I am not ok with that.
Bad Lesbian Ex from EP: You don't know how to act!! Do not tell me you have a crush on the former person I was dating. It's rude, and tacky. Sorta like you.
I need an effing flow chart to work through alla this drama. Until then, First Friday comes about but once a month and yes, I will be there, typical bells and whistles on from 9-11, just long enough to get my fix without staying for the portion of the night that turns into a crazy shit show.
All names/places have been abbreviated to maintain anonymity. Please take everything written as a worth a grain of sand and realize, I am just trying on these "Don't Know How to Act" pants for size.
Anywho, I am writing this blog first, because as anyone who reads anything I write knows, I am probably first and foremost, a loving person. I am a person who genuinely cares about others, who is empathetic, and compassionate. I do this because I have an ethic of love in my consciousness at all times. I hope to relate across and through differences, I teach my students, often through example, how to live a life of love, not because of some magic key I will receive to pass go and get into heaven free, but, simply because it is the way I think people should live.
I have to be in a constant reminder that not everyone lives this way. And least of all do they do it with any sort of critical intention. Meaning, that few people think about the power that surrounds all the relationships we are in based on things like race, class, gender, sex, sexuality, age, ethnicity, religion, ability etc. These things mark our bodies in specific ways that are simultaneously unique and communal. People who are part of the dominant groups in these categories (and I'll let you play the guessing game of what those are) tend not to notice, unless trained, how these power relationships function in all relationships.
I write about this because at many different times in my life I have been told I do not perform whiteness well for a variety of reasons. Number One that I will explore right now, I am not very good at the white female civility performance that characterizes so many of the interactions we take place in everyday. Now, I admit, I have learned to be better at the performance, much to my detriment, since starting my more professional life and having to negotiate graduate school in its multiplicity. I want to clarify this as well, this performance isn't fake, it is an authentic performance of myself that I often do to appease other people, "the system," or quite literally, "the man."
But, recently, I have had to bust out of this performance because there is some effed-up Lesbian Shit happening. And I have dealt with it and not just passive aggressively, because oh yes, I sorta went off last First Friday (There was a push and a "F*$! You" involved). Granted this was a month ago, but, I feel that I am going to do it again if I don't lay it out in this public forum so as to maybe create some sort of public embarrassment for these people, or at the very least, get this shit off my chest, in a more civil white female way. Although, civil, I'm not sure quite describes it. If this was an academic paper I would be failing at the moment, "TOO MUCH SET-UP! NOT ENOUGH ABOUT THE TOPIC ITSELF." So here goes. Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants to the Denver Scene!
22-year-old twat face, yes, you remember her, the one my ex cheated on me with (whether emotionally or physically), she keeps effing showing up everywhere I am in Denver now. Granted they are public spaces and so anyone can attend, I feel that anyone with a spine, would at the very least attempt an acknowledgement of how awkward things are and maybe, Maybe, MAYBE Effing apologize for fucking up my life the first time?!? I know this may be hard for a 22 year-old-twat-face to conceive of, that she may have hurt a person of 27 she barely knows, but she did.
So, 22 year-old twat-face: You don't know how to act!! I realize that you and my ex are no longer together; please do not act like this is "No Big Thing," or that it was "Only two weeks." Do you realize how miserable you have made my life, first swooping in to steal my EP life, and now deciding to not only frequent every place I am in Denver, but to think somehow that my friends want to be friends with you and want you to hang out with them? Do you have a GPS Kathryn Tracker/ a desire to swoop in and take whatever my happiness is because it sure seems like it? Oh, I'm sorry, is this too narcissistic for you, maybe it isn't "About me," you are just trying to hang out and have a good time. BS! Grow a pair of ovaries, admit that you suck, admit anything, attempt some humility and then it will be nothing.
Bad Lesbian Friend from EP: You don't know how to act!! It is rude to not talk to someone for months when they are going through the worst breakup of their life and then, out of the blue decide once you are single you want to be friends again so as to use my friends/life as your social inlet to the Lesbian scene. That is just bad friend karma. And you know what is so funny to me, people have been talking shit about you for years and I always stood up for you trying to convince others you are not a bad friend. Ironic, huh? No, I do not respond to texts about "me and my crew" hanging out, why? Because it is just too transparent that you want to use me for my friends (and potential hookups) and no, I am not ok with that.
Bad Lesbian Ex from EP: You don't know how to act!! Do not tell me you have a crush on the former person I was dating. It's rude, and tacky. Sorta like you.
I need an effing flow chart to work through alla this drama. Until then, First Friday comes about but once a month and yes, I will be there, typical bells and whistles on from 9-11, just long enough to get my fix without staying for the portion of the night that turns into a crazy shit show.
All names/places have been abbreviated to maintain anonymity. Please take everything written as a worth a grain of sand and realize, I am just trying on these "Don't Know How to Act" pants for size.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I put your picture away...
I moved my things out today. Well, I should say the new lady and I moved my things out of my old house today. And all that runs through my head is that horrid Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow Song, Picture. I won't even post lyrics or a vid because I feel like that would be dumb. We all know how it goes, or if by chance you do not, you are one of the lucky few. It was sad to move my things out but a bit cathartic as well. As in, I am excited that soon I can finally be fully liberated from my past relationship and from a place that I loved, but think I have somewhat outgrew (I spiraled out as they say,and I am happy to report that I am so glad I did!)
This weekend before the start of spring quarter, I am going to a step into spring yoga workshop/series with my favorite yoga teacher. Yoga has been really great for me, as there are things I need to let go of for sure.
As I told the new lady today, "I need to stop thinking people will put the same amount of care into relationships, because they rarely do and then I am let down." I am the kind of person who does try extremely hard to make things work, even when they shouldn't work. So I have high expectations, and people tell me that my expectations are what aid in my disappointment. Well, I find this to an outdated and incorrect adage. While, it's true that without expectations, I may not be disappointed, it is also true that without expectations , I wouldn't be amazed and appreciative of the fact that those expectations are malleable and thus transcendable (is this a word? Probably not?) So that when someone shows up at my door with an orchid (because the grocery didn't have maple blueberry sausage patties) I can be amazed that someone has actually been able to exceed those expectations and thus open up my expectations altogether.
I do not think expectations separate me from the present, but actually draw me closer to it. Basically, I think expectations are ok as is planning for the future as long as we also take time to be in the present. This is why I love nidra so much. It is not the meditation that tells you to completely clear you head, instead it asks us to focus our brains in specific ways. This is good for me as I do not think clearing my head is a very realistic option for me.
What I will say, is that I am in recovery. More than in recovery even. A place of joy, because I can look to the future and think about the potential for my life to be this amazing and beautiful thing. I can be in a relationship with a person who knows they want to be with me, who wants to share a home with me, wants to have a family with me (eventually, not tomorrow or anything) and this gives me some real contentment. Contentment through expectations. The yogis might not think it's accurate but the 27 year-old trying to figure out her life thinks it sounds just grand.
This weekend before the start of spring quarter, I am going to a step into spring yoga workshop/series with my favorite yoga teacher. Yoga has been really great for me, as there are things I need to let go of for sure.
As I told the new lady today, "I need to stop thinking people will put the same amount of care into relationships, because they rarely do and then I am let down." I am the kind of person who does try extremely hard to make things work, even when they shouldn't work. So I have high expectations, and people tell me that my expectations are what aid in my disappointment. Well, I find this to an outdated and incorrect adage. While, it's true that without expectations, I may not be disappointed, it is also true that without expectations , I wouldn't be amazed and appreciative of the fact that those expectations are malleable and thus transcendable (is this a word? Probably not?) So that when someone shows up at my door with an orchid (because the grocery didn't have maple blueberry sausage patties) I can be amazed that someone has actually been able to exceed those expectations and thus open up my expectations altogether.
I do not think expectations separate me from the present, but actually draw me closer to it. Basically, I think expectations are ok as is planning for the future as long as we also take time to be in the present. This is why I love nidra so much. It is not the meditation that tells you to completely clear you head, instead it asks us to focus our brains in specific ways. This is good for me as I do not think clearing my head is a very realistic option for me.
What I will say, is that I am in recovery. More than in recovery even. A place of joy, because I can look to the future and think about the potential for my life to be this amazing and beautiful thing. I can be in a relationship with a person who knows they want to be with me, who wants to share a home with me, wants to have a family with me (eventually, not tomorrow or anything) and this gives me some real contentment. Contentment through expectations. The yogis might not think it's accurate but the 27 year-old trying to figure out her life thinks it sounds just grand.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Alison Krauss, Crazy as Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqW1bdkAPek
I love AK, and I appreciate that my stinky lesbian bff shared this song with me.
I wanted to embed the vid but that option is disabled. But here are the lyrics and link!
Crazy as Me, Alison Krauss
I'm used to being alone
Except for six month flings with diamond rings
And phone bills that outweigh the phone
This is the life that I chose
I got no complaints if he is
If he ain't, and if he is I guess he'll send me a rose
Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me
I still love what I know
I love to ride alone and sing a song and listen to the radio
You can ride along and if you change your mind, well
That's just fine, but there's somethin' that you got to know
Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me
I love AK, and I appreciate that my stinky lesbian bff shared this song with me.
I wanted to embed the vid but that option is disabled. But here are the lyrics and link!
Crazy as Me, Alison Krauss
I'm used to being alone
Except for six month flings with diamond rings
And phone bills that outweigh the phone
This is the life that I chose
I got no complaints if he is
If he ain't, and if he is I guess he'll send me a rose
Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me
I still love what I know
I love to ride alone and sing a song and listen to the radio
You can ride along and if you change your mind, well
That's just fine, but there's somethin' that you got to know
Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me
New and Different...VERY Different Thoughts
So I have been thinking about a few things lately, that are somewhat related, yet not in a direct way: Gay Marriage and Gay Shame.
I will go into my rant about Gay Marriage first. I have always been a person who has NOT wanted to get married, become a wife, wear a ring, make gaybies or anything. This was the case even when I was straight. I didn't want to assimilate into the capitalist, heteropatriarchal norms for our society, which says you only make sense if you are a part of a couple and if you are in a marriage. I think this is dumb. One shouldn't be defined by their relationship, one's existence shouldn't be called into question based on whether or not they have another half, and most of all gay marriage is NOT the way towards true equality. I wrote a paper about this latter part last spring quarter. I explained that the idea of gay marriage provides an affective fuzzy feeling that makes people cling to it as an ideal for the equality of the gays. I wrote that in fact, gay marriage went against a queer political agenda.
Ok, so I take issue with myself on this matter. It may be stupid or way too pragmatic, but I have flipped much of my overarching feelings about gay marriage. While, I do not think it definitely is the way toward an equal society, I now see gay marriage as both a rite of passage and for many a mode of survival. I would consider my last relationship to have been a marriage, a marriage without a ceremony, but a marriage nonetheless. While I actually celebrate its end, I see how screwed I have gotten in the situation. If we were a hetero couple and we had achieved common-law status, I would be entitled to receive alimony payments. I am a graduate student and I am poor. I relied pretty heavily on my relationship to sustain my existence, financially that is. And now that it is over, because I am not straight, I am not entitled to any of the benefits of my former partner's earnings and the fact that I sacrificed a lot for her to be in the position she is in. It's like I got a T-Shirt that says, "I was in a three year relationship and all I got was a lousy nicotine habit." Of course, this is a knee-jerk reaction and I do not feel quite this way about the relationship, I do feel like it is really shitty that the other person has been pretty much able to get out unscathed, meanwhile, I feel an actual shift in the way I am able to live.
On that note, marriage is a rite of passage for many into the land of adulthood. It is the point in time in which your parent's consider you to be taken off their hands for good. They no longer have to worry about supporting you because that becomes the job of the partner, or for folks to work out together. While I do not like or appreciate this logic, society does view marriage this way (That you Sumner McRae for pointing this out to me!) On top of this, I feel that marriage puts you in a different place of implication with the person you are in a relationship with. Meaning, a marriage bond is harder to break then a break up is, so, I think people have to think more thoughtfully and in some ways more critically before liberating themself from the relationship. When you are a person who has been in a relationship and put forth a lot of emotional labor to make things work out, it sucks (for lack of a better word) when that relationship simply ends, with little explanation and with no implication, especially financially to the other person.
So, I have shifted my opinions about gay marriage. I actually think it is a good and necessary process. And I support people who do it. As for those who say it isn't queer to be married and it is assimilationist, I say, you must be in a fairly privileged position to feel this way, where you are financially stable and not reliant on someone else, or you have ways of negotiating relationships (and their end) better than I do. I get that marriage as it stands is not ideal, but I do believe there are ways to "queer" marriage, to not do it normatively, and I also think there are ways to raise children in this way. And if I decide to have children (obviously not from my body) I want to make sure that if I am with someone that they aren't just going to wake up one day and say peace out, I'm done. Since I think I do want to be a mother (WTF?!?!? WHO AM I?) I think I also want the commitment of marriage eventually. Obviously it won't be legal, unless I move to one of the many more progressive countries/states that allow gays to be married, but hopefully, going through the process will force (Yes, force!) the relationship to gain a level of permanency, none of my relationships have ever achieved before.
Now to Gay/Queer Shame: Its compelling to juxtapose shame and marriage together, mainly because an argument against gay marriage is that it forces bodies into disciplinary regimes, ultimately to try and rid them of the shame they are imbued with for being gay. Basically, by getting married bodies become steralized/desexualized for the hetero masses, thus, eliminating shame. I think a similar thing could be said for g/l/b/t folks who attend church, it has the potential to rid them of the shame/guilt they feel for their non-normative sexual orientation. But this isn't even the way I have been thinking about queer/gay/lesbian shame.
Instead, I have been thinking about my mother and the rest of my family (sans my uncle), and how fortunate I am to have a mother like her and a family like I have. If you have ever seen Queer as Folk (videos posted below) and know Mike's mom, Debbie, then that is the best comparison I have for my mother and her amazing-ness in regards to my sexuality. I swear the woman throws me a mini-Pride Parade every time I see her. I am lucky, she is supportive of me and who I am, and the people I choose to be with. I realize my fortune when I read stuff about queer shame and interact with people who are learning how to deal with their sexuality in regards to their families and in their lives as queer people. While I have always primarily been around the "We're Here, We're Queer, Get Used to it!" folks, I am becoming more aware of the people who do not live this way, or are just learning that it is ok to live this way. I don't know what it is like to be silenced by my family for being queer, I don't know what it is like to not be accepted, for my girlfriends to not be accepted. What I have come to understand is, it is much more traumatic than I ever could have thought. So I don't have a ton to say about it, just that the shaming process is a very complicated one, and even more complicated for those people who do not abide by the rules of gender conformity. Not only are they shamed for their sexual orientation, but for not "doing" gender properly also. I mean I have no conclusions as per usual, but, I love my mom.
The end.
I will go into my rant about Gay Marriage first. I have always been a person who has NOT wanted to get married, become a wife, wear a ring, make gaybies or anything. This was the case even when I was straight. I didn't want to assimilate into the capitalist, heteropatriarchal norms for our society, which says you only make sense if you are a part of a couple and if you are in a marriage. I think this is dumb. One shouldn't be defined by their relationship, one's existence shouldn't be called into question based on whether or not they have another half, and most of all gay marriage is NOT the way towards true equality. I wrote a paper about this latter part last spring quarter. I explained that the idea of gay marriage provides an affective fuzzy feeling that makes people cling to it as an ideal for the equality of the gays. I wrote that in fact, gay marriage went against a queer political agenda.
Ok, so I take issue with myself on this matter. It may be stupid or way too pragmatic, but I have flipped much of my overarching feelings about gay marriage. While, I do not think it definitely is the way toward an equal society, I now see gay marriage as both a rite of passage and for many a mode of survival. I would consider my last relationship to have been a marriage, a marriage without a ceremony, but a marriage nonetheless. While I actually celebrate its end, I see how screwed I have gotten in the situation. If we were a hetero couple and we had achieved common-law status, I would be entitled to receive alimony payments. I am a graduate student and I am poor. I relied pretty heavily on my relationship to sustain my existence, financially that is. And now that it is over, because I am not straight, I am not entitled to any of the benefits of my former partner's earnings and the fact that I sacrificed a lot for her to be in the position she is in. It's like I got a T-Shirt that says, "I was in a three year relationship and all I got was a lousy nicotine habit." Of course, this is a knee-jerk reaction and I do not feel quite this way about the relationship, I do feel like it is really shitty that the other person has been pretty much able to get out unscathed, meanwhile, I feel an actual shift in the way I am able to live.
On that note, marriage is a rite of passage for many into the land of adulthood. It is the point in time in which your parent's consider you to be taken off their hands for good. They no longer have to worry about supporting you because that becomes the job of the partner, or for folks to work out together. While I do not like or appreciate this logic, society does view marriage this way (That you Sumner McRae for pointing this out to me!) On top of this, I feel that marriage puts you in a different place of implication with the person you are in a relationship with. Meaning, a marriage bond is harder to break then a break up is, so, I think people have to think more thoughtfully and in some ways more critically before liberating themself from the relationship. When you are a person who has been in a relationship and put forth a lot of emotional labor to make things work out, it sucks (for lack of a better word) when that relationship simply ends, with little explanation and with no implication, especially financially to the other person.
So, I have shifted my opinions about gay marriage. I actually think it is a good and necessary process. And I support people who do it. As for those who say it isn't queer to be married and it is assimilationist, I say, you must be in a fairly privileged position to feel this way, where you are financially stable and not reliant on someone else, or you have ways of negotiating relationships (and their end) better than I do. I get that marriage as it stands is not ideal, but I do believe there are ways to "queer" marriage, to not do it normatively, and I also think there are ways to raise children in this way. And if I decide to have children (obviously not from my body) I want to make sure that if I am with someone that they aren't just going to wake up one day and say peace out, I'm done. Since I think I do want to be a mother (WTF?!?!? WHO AM I?) I think I also want the commitment of marriage eventually. Obviously it won't be legal, unless I move to one of the many more progressive countries/states that allow gays to be married, but hopefully, going through the process will force (Yes, force!) the relationship to gain a level of permanency, none of my relationships have ever achieved before.
Now to Gay/Queer Shame: Its compelling to juxtapose shame and marriage together, mainly because an argument against gay marriage is that it forces bodies into disciplinary regimes, ultimately to try and rid them of the shame they are imbued with for being gay. Basically, by getting married bodies become steralized/desexualized for the hetero masses, thus, eliminating shame. I think a similar thing could be said for g/l/b/t folks who attend church, it has the potential to rid them of the shame/guilt they feel for their non-normative sexual orientation. But this isn't even the way I have been thinking about queer/gay/lesbian shame.
Instead, I have been thinking about my mother and the rest of my family (sans my uncle), and how fortunate I am to have a mother like her and a family like I have. If you have ever seen Queer as Folk (videos posted below) and know Mike's mom, Debbie, then that is the best comparison I have for my mother and her amazing-ness in regards to my sexuality. I swear the woman throws me a mini-Pride Parade every time I see her. I am lucky, she is supportive of me and who I am, and the people I choose to be with. I realize my fortune when I read stuff about queer shame and interact with people who are learning how to deal with their sexuality in regards to their families and in their lives as queer people. While I have always primarily been around the "We're Here, We're Queer, Get Used to it!" folks, I am becoming more aware of the people who do not live this way, or are just learning that it is ok to live this way. I don't know what it is like to be silenced by my family for being queer, I don't know what it is like to not be accepted, for my girlfriends to not be accepted. What I have come to understand is, it is much more traumatic than I ever could have thought. So I don't have a ton to say about it, just that the shaming process is a very complicated one, and even more complicated for those people who do not abide by the rules of gender conformity. Not only are they shamed for their sexual orientation, but for not "doing" gender properly also. I mean I have no conclusions as per usual, but, I love my mom.
The end.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Nidra
Ack! Where to begin.
Some of my health issues have started to come back-not in an incredibly serious way yet, but in ways that have caused me to stop and contemplate the world around me. I have been thinking about the amounts of trauma I have endured in the last two-ish years of my life, including my great-grandmother passing away, my hysterectomy (and three other surgeries prior to it), my step-father dying pretty unexpectedly, having the most significant relationship in my life come to a jolting halt, not to mention graduate school drama and stress. I have been through a lot. My body has been through a lot.
I went to DU Health Circus because my body has just not been quite right for awhile now, I have shifty mood swings, I have lost close to 40 pounds since last May, and I have this weird itchy crawly feeling on my skin 85% of the time. I saw a Dr. (a reproductive endocrinologist) because of my rapid weight loss (something generally not to be worried about, but in my case I have to worry, because it could mean an issue with my hormones, and thus, bone loss). I have to monitor these things. Strangely enough the Doc told me I looked good and that the weight loss was nothing to be concerned about, unless it keeps going down. He actually listened to me, a straight, white, man doctor made me feel more listened too than my female gyno EVER has. Crazy how that works. He told me a lot of my issues probably have to do with the stress of my life and some of the major changes that have occurred in it. I do have to see the nutritionist to make sure everything is "normal." She will probably inform me that Yogurtland is not an acceptable dinner choice...fair enough...I'll listen. And I have like three hormone level tests being checked too, to make sure I am ok on that front. I do not want to regain the weight I have lost, I feel better now than I have in years; but I don't want to be unhealthy either. I am trying to get my body into a place of health again, but the body is always connected to the mind and emotional stress. So I have been searching out ways to reconcile my mind with my body, with the trauma and loss, and other emotions I have been experiencing very rapidly.
So I went to church in December. Yes, like real church, in the Highlands of Denver, listened to Christians be Christian (in a welcoming, warm, and inviting way.) I wanted to go to another church in the city (I still have plans to do this) because it is an ELCA, RIC church, which connects me to my past and my roots in a way I am kind of ready to re-explore. I do not identify with organized religion very much, but I feel that I am ready to be sort of open to this. Partly because, I feel that I cannot get through the shit of my life without connecting it to a spiritual practice of some sort. It feels like it is missing from my life and now that I live in a city with many options, I am attempting, to flesh this out a bit. I'm not saying I am jumping on the Christian bandwagon, far from it, but I am trying to be open to experiencing a presence of religiosity/spirituality in my life again.
On top of this, I have started going to yoga at this beautiful studio in Glendale, called Harmony Yoga. I chose to go there instead of say, Core Power, because of the element of spirituality that occurs in the classes they offer. I have been accused of not being respectful of religious practices associated with "New-Age" spirituality. And what I have found is that is an unfounded and completely false accusation. Like wanting to go to church, I also want to go to yoga to experience a spiritual presence. Of course yoga is good "exercise" but for me, I have never enjoyed yoga that was not rooted in the spiritual, and yes, metaphysical roots. While I do not believe in bodily transcendence, I do believe that we experience emotions at a cognitive level and affects at a subconscious level and that we can become more in tune with both of those elements through practices of moving energies, being still, and releasing the body. Being in a place that asks me to simply be with my affects and emotions is a new experience for me and something I work on in therapy all the time. Be with your emotions without judgement. Learn how to deal with traumatic situations without judgement.
So I get that this is problematic, as a critical scholar, I feel we should never sit idly by, especially when injustice is happening around us. At the same time, I am beginning to feel that without letting emotions happen, without experiencing them, we cut ourselves off to what we as individuals need in order to more effectively/affectively form relational bonds with others and work for social change. Maybe sitting in a place of Nidra is where affective potentialities lie. And what is strange is that in this space of the yoga studio, with a teacher who reminds me of an old friend, I sit in a place where I let my trauma reside in me for a moment and then I open my heart chakra, and I let it go. I let the ugliness of my past traumas, death, health issues, depression, anxiety go out through my heart chakra and honestly I feel it opening in ways I never knew were possible. And this is helping to make me re-open myself to the possibility of forming intimate and loving bonds with others again.
In this space of Nidra, I focus on the color orange, which is so strange to me, because it is not a color I associate with myself (although I believe it is the color most associated with self-love), and I can imagine loving and being in love with someone again, being open to that possibility more than ever before. While being cautious, I realize I cannot give up on myself or in humanity, because in doing that I give up on the possibility that anything could ever change for the better. And I am just not willing to let my past ruin my present or future like that.
Some of my health issues have started to come back-not in an incredibly serious way yet, but in ways that have caused me to stop and contemplate the world around me. I have been thinking about the amounts of trauma I have endured in the last two-ish years of my life, including my great-grandmother passing away, my hysterectomy (and three other surgeries prior to it), my step-father dying pretty unexpectedly, having the most significant relationship in my life come to a jolting halt, not to mention graduate school drama and stress. I have been through a lot. My body has been through a lot.
I went to DU Health Circus because my body has just not been quite right for awhile now, I have shifty mood swings, I have lost close to 40 pounds since last May, and I have this weird itchy crawly feeling on my skin 85% of the time. I saw a Dr. (a reproductive endocrinologist) because of my rapid weight loss (something generally not to be worried about, but in my case I have to worry, because it could mean an issue with my hormones, and thus, bone loss). I have to monitor these things. Strangely enough the Doc told me I looked good and that the weight loss was nothing to be concerned about, unless it keeps going down. He actually listened to me, a straight, white, man doctor made me feel more listened too than my female gyno EVER has. Crazy how that works. He told me a lot of my issues probably have to do with the stress of my life and some of the major changes that have occurred in it. I do have to see the nutritionist to make sure everything is "normal." She will probably inform me that Yogurtland is not an acceptable dinner choice...fair enough...I'll listen. And I have like three hormone level tests being checked too, to make sure I am ok on that front. I do not want to regain the weight I have lost, I feel better now than I have in years; but I don't want to be unhealthy either. I am trying to get my body into a place of health again, but the body is always connected to the mind and emotional stress. So I have been searching out ways to reconcile my mind with my body, with the trauma and loss, and other emotions I have been experiencing very rapidly.
So I went to church in December. Yes, like real church, in the Highlands of Denver, listened to Christians be Christian (in a welcoming, warm, and inviting way.) I wanted to go to another church in the city (I still have plans to do this) because it is an ELCA, RIC church, which connects me to my past and my roots in a way I am kind of ready to re-explore. I do not identify with organized religion very much, but I feel that I am ready to be sort of open to this. Partly because, I feel that I cannot get through the shit of my life without connecting it to a spiritual practice of some sort. It feels like it is missing from my life and now that I live in a city with many options, I am attempting, to flesh this out a bit. I'm not saying I am jumping on the Christian bandwagon, far from it, but I am trying to be open to experiencing a presence of religiosity/spirituality in my life again.
On top of this, I have started going to yoga at this beautiful studio in Glendale, called Harmony Yoga. I chose to go there instead of say, Core Power, because of the element of spirituality that occurs in the classes they offer. I have been accused of not being respectful of religious practices associated with "New-Age" spirituality. And what I have found is that is an unfounded and completely false accusation. Like wanting to go to church, I also want to go to yoga to experience a spiritual presence. Of course yoga is good "exercise" but for me, I have never enjoyed yoga that was not rooted in the spiritual, and yes, metaphysical roots. While I do not believe in bodily transcendence, I do believe that we experience emotions at a cognitive level and affects at a subconscious level and that we can become more in tune with both of those elements through practices of moving energies, being still, and releasing the body. Being in a place that asks me to simply be with my affects and emotions is a new experience for me and something I work on in therapy all the time. Be with your emotions without judgement. Learn how to deal with traumatic situations without judgement.
So I get that this is problematic, as a critical scholar, I feel we should never sit idly by, especially when injustice is happening around us. At the same time, I am beginning to feel that without letting emotions happen, without experiencing them, we cut ourselves off to what we as individuals need in order to more effectively/affectively form relational bonds with others and work for social change. Maybe sitting in a place of Nidra is where affective potentialities lie. And what is strange is that in this space of the yoga studio, with a teacher who reminds me of an old friend, I sit in a place where I let my trauma reside in me for a moment and then I open my heart chakra, and I let it go. I let the ugliness of my past traumas, death, health issues, depression, anxiety go out through my heart chakra and honestly I feel it opening in ways I never knew were possible. And this is helping to make me re-open myself to the possibility of forming intimate and loving bonds with others again.
In this space of Nidra, I focus on the color orange, which is so strange to me, because it is not a color I associate with myself (although I believe it is the color most associated with self-love), and I can imagine loving and being in love with someone again, being open to that possibility more than ever before. While being cautious, I realize I cannot give up on myself or in humanity, because in doing that I give up on the possibility that anything could ever change for the better. And I am just not willing to let my past ruin my present or future like that.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Reconnecting with Rain
So I have had an obsession with the Weepies for a few years, but I am rediscovering them, in a new more blissful state. This song has been playing on repeat for me today. My life is sort of defined by the music I am residing with in the moment. I have a life soundtrack; sometimes I stop in the middle of crucial moments to listen to a song, read a lyric, post a blog. So today my song is Jolene by the Weepies, although really the entire "Happiness" cd (or playlist as new, young whipper-snappers may call it) has been shuffling through my life recently.
What is funny, this song could be another sort of melancholy tune about a broken heart or lost relationship, but that is not how I am thinking about it at all. Instead, for me, right now, it is a tune more about longing to know what "the weather" is like where someone you miss and love is when they are not with you. So of course, rain has connotations of sadness, but I love rain. I always have. I always used to say Spring was my favorite season because of the rain (however, it doesn't really rain in Colorado in springtime, so I switched favorite season to Fall.) I am thinking of returning to a place where I love Spring again, where my heart is open to reconnecting with the presence of rain, with the promise of something new. Although, it is true that sometimes the sun is beautiful and bright there is something very peaceful about the quiet and steady presence of rain. So this is my dedication to a new sort of weather in my life.
Jolene, The Weepies
It always rained around you
We tried to go inside and it would rain there too
It came pouring through the roof when we traveled underground
Whiskey, water, and tears 'til I thought that we would drown, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
We didn't hide from it at all
No we just let it fall
In the morning she was gone and everything was dry
The city streets were crowded and I felt like I would die, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Now there's sunshine and flowers everywhere
And I don't care
All of these clouds will disappear
Like we were never here
But I swear there was a time I thought that it would never stop
And now I only think about you if it's raining or it's not, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Jolene, Jolene
What is funny, this song could be another sort of melancholy tune about a broken heart or lost relationship, but that is not how I am thinking about it at all. Instead, for me, right now, it is a tune more about longing to know what "the weather" is like where someone you miss and love is when they are not with you. So of course, rain has connotations of sadness, but I love rain. I always have. I always used to say Spring was my favorite season because of the rain (however, it doesn't really rain in Colorado in springtime, so I switched favorite season to Fall.) I am thinking of returning to a place where I love Spring again, where my heart is open to reconnecting with the presence of rain, with the promise of something new. Although, it is true that sometimes the sun is beautiful and bright there is something very peaceful about the quiet and steady presence of rain. So this is my dedication to a new sort of weather in my life.
Jolene, The Weepies
It always rained around you
We tried to go inside and it would rain there too
It came pouring through the roof when we traveled underground
Whiskey, water, and tears 'til I thought that we would drown, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
We didn't hide from it at all
No we just let it fall
In the morning she was gone and everything was dry
The city streets were crowded and I felt like I would die, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Now there's sunshine and flowers everywhere
And I don't care
All of these clouds will disappear
Like we were never here
But I swear there was a time I thought that it would never stop
And now I only think about you if it's raining or it's not, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Jolene, Jolene
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