6 weeks and breathing--and music

At six weeks, I feel re-punched in the stomach and that the break-up is finally real. So much of me was waiting to make it through Christmas, because well, I just had to. But Christmas was so hard having to see her, every time anything happened, I almost burst into tears. I held it in to the last possible moment. Then after sobbing a good while on my mother's bed, I felt the need to return to my home in the City, and just debrief with myself. Since then it has been a matter of days (3) since cutting off all contact with my ex-something everyone has encouraged me to do in order to move on. I congratulate myself with every hour, because that is how hard it is to deal with. "You can only control yourself." "Doing this will make you feel empowered." I have to admit with every minute that passes without a call, text, or e-mail, I do feel better. And the other thing that makes it better is knowing that I have the power to do this indefinitely. I could never make contact again, which, at this point is an appealing option.

But since this post is about breathing--and music. I have been getting ragged on for my sad country song posts on the fb (nothing like some sad country music to mend a mangled heart.) In fact I received a list of music, "to change things up a bit." ;-) So I included them into my "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" playlist. And as an Ani DiFranco lover, the first one on the list, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" has really got me because of the amazing lyrics, which, are posted at the bottom. Portions highlighted for emphasis.

But, it is at this moment, as I lay in freshly washed sheets, pondering a shower, I know I will be ok. But part of my being o.k. is continuing to be really hurt, angry, and frustrated for the way I was and continue to be treated. And the only solution I have is cutting someone off. I am open to other suggestions, but I tried the let's be friends right away" and I just don't think it is possible. It's like the line at the end of "Twenty-Something Girls vs. Thirty-Something Women" (and yes, I see the irony as being a person who is only 27!!!) Carrie ends the episode saying, "And then I realised something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the [wo]man who broke your heart." And that is the trouble, if I didn't feel like a washed a worn piece of someone's midlife crisis, maybe it would be different! I would love to hear anyone's suggestions for A.) How to handle the post-breakup and B.) Good breakup songs that are encapsulating of both sadness and empowering. Get on it!

So here's my first song for myself in this series.


Ani DiFranco, Rock, Paper, Scissors
it's rock paper scissors as to whether i will get over you at all. it's
hand against hand and both hands are mine. it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy. a happy meal with a surprise
inside. surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes, exposing all
the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide. this melancholy that i carry
makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i
never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up and tame the
stallions of my wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain. but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain? i think i could accept all these dark
colors as just part of some bigger color scheme if it wasn't for that drippy
string quartet of sadness underscoring each smiling scene. yeah desire drags
me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal. and i'm
getting pretty good at looking at the bright side while the flames ripple on
the sand and swallow me whole. but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel
so grown up at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i never thought
i'd see the day when i would say i give up and break the stallions of my
wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way surrounded by so
much pain/ but how am i supposed to let go of you this way like a bird into
the sky of my brain.

here's a video, which, I think was created by the same person who sent me the list of songs. I could be wrong, but I am thinking not so much.