It is amazing that as a single gal, I now appreciate Sex and the City in a very different way. This is not to say I glorify, or idealize it, more or less, it is still problematically white, upperclass, post-feminst, feminism, surrounded by the potential for some female empowerment. Potential mind you.
What I notice most now, is how the break up story lines play out. In some situations, people who are dating just stop calling and it's over-poof. Other relationships like Carrie/Big or Carrie/Aidan have a bit more in depth look into the break up. I don't necessarily look for advice or the word of God or anything-but there are some parallels especially between my break up and the second break-up of Carrie and Big. It's apropos really.
In the final ep of season 2, Carrie poses the question: Can you be friends with an ex? And since I am currently in that state of affairs (trying to say friends, while still feeling emotionally exhausted from the relationship) I have to wonder something similar. I feel like I want to be the cool chick who gets it (it's best for both of us blah blah blah) but, how can a friendship happen, when the pain hasn't even subsided? And how can you let something go that is so ever-present in your life? If one person is set on releasing, while the other wants accountability and acknowledgement for the hurt that has been caused, is it possible to continue along with any sort of relationship? At 3 weeks and a day post- break-up, is it too soon to move from Romantic Love-ville to Friend City U.S.A.?
No answers yet, but I am posting this videos which I love from both SatC and The Way We Were
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Tips for a successful breakup
Here's to being alone but not lonely
and
Treating friends like lovers and lovers like friends (I don't know who wrote this, but a friend articulated it to me the other night).
So, again, working through my break up I have decided to post some tips for a successful parting that keeps things more than civil and potentially amicable:
1.) The sooner the better. Don't drag the bandaid, rip it and have it remain ripped. This means sticking to what you say. While this is going to suck, it is the only way to breathe and get your message across, and eventually become friends (if you even want that). I would recommend at least starting to talk about the breakup prior to the actual parting-simply because if you love the person and have respect for them, it is wise to be fair and honest.
2.) In a similar vein, don't totally surprise the pants off of the person by breaking the news with no hints of feeling this way prior. See number one for reason why.
3.) Do it before there is a possibility of being someone else (that is more than a crush/make out). I say this because if you are unhappy and become tempted, the other person can be a good catalyst for a breakup, but in the end makes you look like a jerk to the other person and probably feel like a jerk to yourself because you know the "real" reasons why you broke up, but the other person has a nasty taste in their mouth from the cheat (or even potential cheat.)
4.) Do it in person, not via phone, e-mail, or text. If you can sleep with someone, you can break up with them face-to-face.
5.) Do not drop the "It's not you it's me" line because it doesn't work in the end. Instead, propose it as something that just isn't working out, that you are not ready for a committed relationship, or that it is circumstantial (meaning if circumstances were different, your relationship might also be different. Also, it always helps to reassure that person that they were really good to you (if they were), that you love (or have strong like) for them. The person will still feel inadequate, but being authentic and not dropping a cheesy one-liner is the respectful thing to do.
6.) In the end remember it is about you and not the other person. If you are unhappy and cannot get out of that slump, then you should definitely do this and save yourself the painful, explosion that will happen should you wait too long. I will say that this is an extremely hard realization, but in the end you have learned about yourself and what you want in your life.
7.) So it is not bad to do this to someone, it is bad to do this to someone you care about in the wrong way. It is important to be generous when doing this breaking up stuff so that you do not regret your words/actions/behaviors down the road.
8.) Even in the end, there are going to be hurt feelings and expect to get a letter like the link.
and
Treating friends like lovers and lovers like friends (I don't know who wrote this, but a friend articulated it to me the other night).
So, again, working through my break up I have decided to post some tips for a successful parting that keeps things more than civil and potentially amicable:
1.) The sooner the better. Don't drag the bandaid, rip it and have it remain ripped. This means sticking to what you say. While this is going to suck, it is the only way to breathe and get your message across, and eventually become friends (if you even want that). I would recommend at least starting to talk about the breakup prior to the actual parting-simply because if you love the person and have respect for them, it is wise to be fair and honest.
2.) In a similar vein, don't totally surprise the pants off of the person by breaking the news with no hints of feeling this way prior. See number one for reason why.
3.) Do it before there is a possibility of being someone else (that is more than a crush/make out). I say this because if you are unhappy and become tempted, the other person can be a good catalyst for a breakup, but in the end makes you look like a jerk to the other person and probably feel like a jerk to yourself because you know the "real" reasons why you broke up, but the other person has a nasty taste in their mouth from the cheat (or even potential cheat.)
4.) Do it in person, not via phone, e-mail, or text. If you can sleep with someone, you can break up with them face-to-face.
5.) Do not drop the "It's not you it's me" line because it doesn't work in the end. Instead, propose it as something that just isn't working out, that you are not ready for a committed relationship, or that it is circumstantial (meaning if circumstances were different, your relationship might also be different. Also, it always helps to reassure that person that they were really good to you (if they were), that you love (or have strong like) for them. The person will still feel inadequate, but being authentic and not dropping a cheesy one-liner is the respectful thing to do.
6.) In the end remember it is about you and not the other person. If you are unhappy and cannot get out of that slump, then you should definitely do this and save yourself the painful, explosion that will happen should you wait too long. I will say that this is an extremely hard realization, but in the end you have learned about yourself and what you want in your life.
7.) So it is not bad to do this to someone, it is bad to do this to someone you care about in the wrong way. It is important to be generous when doing this breaking up stuff so that you do not regret your words/actions/behaviors down the road.
8.) Even in the end, there are going to be hurt feelings and expect to get a letter like the link.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Keeping it on the up and up
So, yes, after two weeks to the day+1, I am writing about break ups. This is not to defame ANYONE, really it isn't. But I feel like I have had this conversation with people a lot over the past two weeks, and I want to write about it. In a Carrie Bradshaw-esque moment (and yes, I have been religiously watching season 2) I ask: when is it the friends' responsibility to tell you what the fuck your significant other may or may not be doing with someone else when you are not around? I preface this with a caveat, which is, not all relationships are monogamous(2 people in a loving committed hetero/homo normative relationship), I don't even pretend to think that this is a norm for everyone, but if you have established monogamous norms, for your relationship, and especially if mutual friends are involved, do they have a responsibility to divulge when a little "sunthin sunthin" is happening to your unsuspecting mind?
When having these conversations, I have received varied response: some people not wanting to get involved in the private relationships of others; others feel a sense of gratitude when someone told them; while others do not tell out of more loyalty to one person over the other; while yet another feels the need to tell out of necessity for authentic community building. These are just a few of the responses, and honestly, I cannot say I have ever officially been put in a situation, although I tend to make my speculations about these things known. But why do I do this?
Because to me, no matter how hard you try to keep your relationship private, relationships are always public. Your friends/family/strangers on the street help build and maintain healthy functioning relationships. So these folks know many of the interworkings (although not all, and many would deny their involvement), especially if and when you fight in front of them, but relationships are public for many reasons. To me this is because relationships build off of affective ties to one another, impulses of relationality that drive people together or apart. So this complicates things right? I mean if relationships are public, then when you begin to form new relationships with people, the energy-the chemistry-the affective impulse becomes recognizable, even if you are pretending it is not there. Now, this is something people who are closer to the relationship, like friends and family can pretend not to detect, but affect is PUBLIC, so it is there. To me this also means, that the relationship becomes open for some sort of public consumption/judgement and thus, it is free reign for people to talk about, especially to the other person who is in the relationship. So once these affective ties are noticed, is there any responsibility for these outside folks to intervene.
Traditional marriage values would say yes. At weddings they always ask the crowd/audience/churchy folks if they will support the relationship that is being sanctioned by the state and often the church. While, I am not for these rigid confines of religion, there is something to be said about making relationships public. There are also problematics with this, only some people are allowed to make the relations public while others are not, or because certain relationships are more valued than others. So I don't want to fall on this faulty logic outright but, it seems a smart way to go to have those around you who care about you, keeping your best interest at heart. And this shouldn't have to be achieved through a wedding or marriage either.
Of course, there are moral and ethical implications and no one really likes being the center of conflict or controversy. But I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there. Even if there are mutual friends, PICK A SIDE! Of course this reinforces a binary of one or the other and isn't as transgressive as many of my queer political leanings would normally entail, but when a break-up happens, (and only temporarily perhaps) PICK A SIDE!
My advisor's signature line of her e-mail reads, "Refusal to take a moral stand is itself a powerful statement of one's moral position" (Dwight Conquergood). And in the sense of break-ups there should be no less commitment to taking a stand for one side or the other. I am not saying it needs to be that way forever, but the dumb thing is, people choose sides all the time and then say they are not choosing those sides. So just be honest: You knew the other person longer, you don't like the one who was a cheater pants, you are more loyal, whatever...but pick a side. It's ok, in this white civil world to sometimes take a stand and break those stupid norms. Plus, the person who was broken up with, probably needs some friends who hate the dumper-at least for a minute. Be that friend/family member and then let the dumpee decide when you can stop the hating and start the reloving. If you are the dumper, you should recognize that this is o.k. for the time being. Sometimes friendship isn't a free for all and you have to take one for the team. That's what a good friend would do...
When having these conversations, I have received varied response: some people not wanting to get involved in the private relationships of others; others feel a sense of gratitude when someone told them; while others do not tell out of more loyalty to one person over the other; while yet another feels the need to tell out of necessity for authentic community building. These are just a few of the responses, and honestly, I cannot say I have ever officially been put in a situation, although I tend to make my speculations about these things known. But why do I do this?
Because to me, no matter how hard you try to keep your relationship private, relationships are always public. Your friends/family/strangers on the street help build and maintain healthy functioning relationships. So these folks know many of the interworkings (although not all, and many would deny their involvement), especially if and when you fight in front of them, but relationships are public for many reasons. To me this is because relationships build off of affective ties to one another, impulses of relationality that drive people together or apart. So this complicates things right? I mean if relationships are public, then when you begin to form new relationships with people, the energy-the chemistry-the affective impulse becomes recognizable, even if you are pretending it is not there. Now, this is something people who are closer to the relationship, like friends and family can pretend not to detect, but affect is PUBLIC, so it is there. To me this also means, that the relationship becomes open for some sort of public consumption/judgement and thus, it is free reign for people to talk about, especially to the other person who is in the relationship. So once these affective ties are noticed, is there any responsibility for these outside folks to intervene.
Traditional marriage values would say yes. At weddings they always ask the crowd/audience/churchy folks if they will support the relationship that is being sanctioned by the state and often the church. While, I am not for these rigid confines of religion, there is something to be said about making relationships public. There are also problematics with this, only some people are allowed to make the relations public while others are not, or because certain relationships are more valued than others. So I don't want to fall on this faulty logic outright but, it seems a smart way to go to have those around you who care about you, keeping your best interest at heart. And this shouldn't have to be achieved through a wedding or marriage either.
Of course, there are moral and ethical implications and no one really likes being the center of conflict or controversy. But I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there. Even if there are mutual friends, PICK A SIDE! Of course this reinforces a binary of one or the other and isn't as transgressive as many of my queer political leanings would normally entail, but when a break-up happens, (and only temporarily perhaps) PICK A SIDE!
My advisor's signature line of her e-mail reads, "Refusal to take a moral stand is itself a powerful statement of one's moral position" (Dwight Conquergood). And in the sense of break-ups there should be no less commitment to taking a stand for one side or the other. I am not saying it needs to be that way forever, but the dumb thing is, people choose sides all the time and then say they are not choosing those sides. So just be honest: You knew the other person longer, you don't like the one who was a cheater pants, you are more loyal, whatever...but pick a side. It's ok, in this white civil world to sometimes take a stand and break those stupid norms. Plus, the person who was broken up with, probably needs some friends who hate the dumper-at least for a minute. Be that friend/family member and then let the dumpee decide when you can stop the hating and start the reloving. If you are the dumper, you should recognize that this is o.k. for the time being. Sometimes friendship isn't a free for all and you have to take one for the team. That's what a good friend would do...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Holcomb County
2:13. Alarm set. Magistrate from Holcomb county. Always odd. Piece of you that lingers. Pressing, strung so tight. Nothing slips. Aromatage. Should be a word. Dry smells that stay. Yellow in you.
I stopped tonight to look at the moon. Bright, fresh night, wound up. I want to be wound with that darkness, but light occludes my desire, and rising, I am swept, a rush of breath. Flesh dances cold, prickling. Falling back, landing so softly in this, my place, my home. Looks like the robbers have been there, frames leaving sections of discolored wall. I am the robber.
Magistrate from Holcomb county is coming. Baptize me, performing a rich seance to rid me of spirits, that look like someone else's face. Her hands laid upon you, with humility, almost beautiful. To see you happy and excited. I press my palm into your stomach, flesh already indented, imprinted. Rest hands on my belly, place above the pubic bone, filling it, expand with night.
I stop and look at the moon. Magistrate from Holcomb county is coming.
Blessings upon you. And also with you.
I stopped tonight to look at the moon. Bright, fresh night, wound up. I want to be wound with that darkness, but light occludes my desire, and rising, I am swept, a rush of breath. Flesh dances cold, prickling. Falling back, landing so softly in this, my place, my home. Looks like the robbers have been there, frames leaving sections of discolored wall. I am the robber.
Magistrate from Holcomb county is coming. Baptize me, performing a rich seance to rid me of spirits, that look like someone else's face. Her hands laid upon you, with humility, almost beautiful. To see you happy and excited. I press my palm into your stomach, flesh already indented, imprinted. Rest hands on my belly, place above the pubic bone, filling it, expand with night.
I stop and look at the moon. Magistrate from Holcomb county is coming.
Blessings upon you. And also with you.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Teaching...the most challenging thing I have even done
I am writing this. I should be working. My jobs in very particular order:
1.) Research-I am here to be a researcher and a student
2.) Teaching-I am supposed to be helping to co-construct knowledge with a whole bunch of 18-23 year olds about intercultural communication
There are probably jobs 3 and 4, but I want to focus on my negotiation with 1 and 2.
I should be working. I have two short papers due next week. I should be doing job one, 70% of the time and job two, 25%-30% of the time. Let alone making time for myself. I won't even talk about that negotiation.
I should be researching. But I am reading to teach tomorrow. When you have others relying on you it is much harder to only allow them 25% of your life. Especially when reading, grading, and discussing their shit seems to be much more important in my everyday than does my research.
I should be, but I'm not.
Tuesday, a conversation broke out in my classroom about ideologies about gender and sports culture. "Women's sports are just not as entertaining. They are not full-body contact." "Women's bodies just happen to be more frail than men's bodies so they could get really hurt playing a full contact sport." "Well women get their hair done and nails done and those things don't go with playing sports."
I look around the room. I see her, my one white lesbian student looking stunned, my two female students of color, and my one white female student, their faces hanging low. Silenced again.
Rapid-fire memories of my own place in classes like this. Classes where I felt silenced, when women feel silenced, devalued. I remember professors who have allowed this to continue and my favorite professors who have called those students out.
Red flush rises.
"I have to be really honest, Sam, That was really offensive. In fact you really offended me."
Some relief on stark faces. Those faces curl in a smile.
A teachable moment, maybe not handled in the best way. Not a long-term solution. That's ok. I stand by my choice. Stand as an ally to my female students.
"I think that when you say that it reinforces ideologies of gender that say men are stronger, and women are weak," Clea speaks quietly.
A teachable moment.
Maybe it got through to someone.
How can I not take this into my everyday? Where else can I put it, but in my heart, head, body. Consume flesh with flesh. An eros of teaching/teacher/taught. As in little separation of student and teacher, because I am always being taught by teachers who are my students.
I should get back to my number one job. To be a researcher, a student. But how can I be a researcher without thinking about teaching tomorrow? More on culture, power, and identity.
Triage.
1.) Research-I am here to be a researcher and a student
2.) Teaching-I am supposed to be helping to co-construct knowledge with a whole bunch of 18-23 year olds about intercultural communication
There are probably jobs 3 and 4, but I want to focus on my negotiation with 1 and 2.
I should be working. I have two short papers due next week. I should be doing job one, 70% of the time and job two, 25%-30% of the time. Let alone making time for myself. I won't even talk about that negotiation.
I should be researching. But I am reading to teach tomorrow. When you have others relying on you it is much harder to only allow them 25% of your life. Especially when reading, grading, and discussing their shit seems to be much more important in my everyday than does my research.
I should be, but I'm not.
Tuesday, a conversation broke out in my classroom about ideologies about gender and sports culture. "Women's sports are just not as entertaining. They are not full-body contact." "Women's bodies just happen to be more frail than men's bodies so they could get really hurt playing a full contact sport." "Well women get their hair done and nails done and those things don't go with playing sports."
I look around the room. I see her, my one white lesbian student looking stunned, my two female students of color, and my one white female student, their faces hanging low. Silenced again.
Rapid-fire memories of my own place in classes like this. Classes where I felt silenced, when women feel silenced, devalued. I remember professors who have allowed this to continue and my favorite professors who have called those students out.
Red flush rises.
"I have to be really honest, Sam, That was really offensive. In fact you really offended me."
Some relief on stark faces. Those faces curl in a smile.
A teachable moment, maybe not handled in the best way. Not a long-term solution. That's ok. I stand by my choice. Stand as an ally to my female students.
"I think that when you say that it reinforces ideologies of gender that say men are stronger, and women are weak," Clea speaks quietly.
A teachable moment.
Maybe it got through to someone.
How can I not take this into my everyday? Where else can I put it, but in my heart, head, body. Consume flesh with flesh. An eros of teaching/teacher/taught. As in little separation of student and teacher, because I am always being taught by teachers who are my students.
I should get back to my number one job. To be a researcher, a student. But how can I be a researcher without thinking about teaching tomorrow? More on culture, power, and identity.
Triage.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Degrassi:The Boiling Point:
Yeah! Degrassi has finally gotten back to well at least a place of pseudo-going there! Again yeah!
I am mainly writing because I think it is very interesting that Degrassi decided to choose a transgendered teenaged storyline. It is about time. There are always gay and lesbian characters on television and even teeny-bopper t.v. shows! But finally somebody went there portraying some of the realities of a transgendered teenager.
What I liked about the storyline the most is that in the beginning when we first meet Adam, he is not introduced as transgendered, but as just another dude trying to fit in at Degrassi. I would say that it is definitely somewhat obvious that Adam is the trans character, but at least they do not automatically assert his storyline in a one-dimensional way.
When they do finally do explore Adam's storyline I think they did a pretty decent job. In the episode, "My body is a Cage" they show Adam binding breasts, and the problems that arise in families trying to deal with this new "coming-out." I also like that they show Adam flirting with Bianca, because at some point he is going to need to date someone, so as to not be asexualized, since none of the other characters are. Even the gay ones get dates and smooches! I however, detest Bianca's homophobic/transphobic attitude upon finding out that Adam is a transman.
The other thing I like about it, is Adam's extremely supportive brother, Drew. I didn't realize they were related until these episodes when upon finding out that Adam is harassed, Drew tries to fight the a-holes that did the beating. The rest of his family is also pretty supportive at the end with the whole burn situation at the end.
What I was not a big fan of-his mom's reaction to introducing Adam to grandma. Forcing him to choose to arrive at dinner with granny as Gracie was honestly something of cognitive dissonance. But at least the mom sort of comes around in the end.
Looking forward to seeing more of Adam's character development, which they started doing more of even just at the end of the season. The whole disaster with Fritz or whatever his name is at the end, the fight club stuff, all of that adding to the complexity of what it means to occupy the subject position of trans.
I am mainly writing because I think it is very interesting that Degrassi decided to choose a transgendered teenaged storyline. It is about time. There are always gay and lesbian characters on television and even teeny-bopper t.v. shows! But finally somebody went there portraying some of the realities of a transgendered teenager.
What I liked about the storyline the most is that in the beginning when we first meet Adam, he is not introduced as transgendered, but as just another dude trying to fit in at Degrassi. I would say that it is definitely somewhat obvious that Adam is the trans character, but at least they do not automatically assert his storyline in a one-dimensional way.
When they do finally do explore Adam's storyline I think they did a pretty decent job. In the episode, "My body is a Cage" they show Adam binding breasts, and the problems that arise in families trying to deal with this new "coming-out." I also like that they show Adam flirting with Bianca, because at some point he is going to need to date someone, so as to not be asexualized, since none of the other characters are. Even the gay ones get dates and smooches! I however, detest Bianca's homophobic/transphobic attitude upon finding out that Adam is a transman.
The other thing I like about it, is Adam's extremely supportive brother, Drew. I didn't realize they were related until these episodes when upon finding out that Adam is harassed, Drew tries to fight the a-holes that did the beating. The rest of his family is also pretty supportive at the end with the whole burn situation at the end.
What I was not a big fan of-his mom's reaction to introducing Adam to grandma. Forcing him to choose to arrive at dinner with granny as Gracie was honestly something of cognitive dissonance. But at least the mom sort of comes around in the end.
Looking forward to seeing more of Adam's character development, which they started doing more of even just at the end of the season. The whole disaster with Fritz or whatever his name is at the end, the fight club stuff, all of that adding to the complexity of what it means to occupy the subject position of trans.
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