strange proceedings

because I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis or irritation and break down of the wall of the bladder I am doing a test to have a permanent electrode placed in my bum. What is the most strange is that no one can tell me what the test is supposed to do because they are men and have never had one of these put in. I guess the wires are supposed to stimulate some area in the lower half of my body, it is supposed to tingle or flutter. No fluttering, no tingling-just a strange feeling of pressure on my sacrum. I honestly do not know if this whole test thing is even working right, and yet I have the permanent implant put in on Weds.

a buzzing
a fluttering
a tingling
none of the above
turn it to the left
dials to the right
nothing works
to make this pain go away

stand up
sit down
lie face down
drool on a pillow
pain on the back
stimulate the toe
perfect
perfect test


roll over
we'll explain
tingling
burning
pain in the uterus
vaginal area
your rectrum
this will help all of that

will it
will a machine make me better
will a machine change my life
will it
what will it do

it is hard to tell
from a simple
test

Fuckety Fuck Fuck

Lately my life has been what I would call insanity-quite literally in fact. From Sept-now I have lost my self, lost my computer, made bad choices and tried to reclaim myself as a student and a human being. I am having an interstim implant put into my buttocks next week, found out I will have to have a hysterectomy. I feel that the negotiation between illness and school and work is one of those things that sometimes makes me ache more than anything else. At least I have people to lean on, people who care about me. But it's hard, it's hard to be sick and tired and not want to get out of bed but have to in order to compete in a prospering and blossoming field. It isn't fair, life isn't. But I am somewhat wishing for a miracle, maybe it will be the interstim-I have had good things. As you see I have few cohesive thoughts and this is what I have to put out right now. Not much but a bit of an update since I have been off the planet for a bit.