Week 7 breathing and music...last country song promise

A very lovely friend made me a "Forget You" C.D and I love, love, love it!!! :-)

So, this is one of the songs from it and yes, it is a sappy country song. And I promise it is the last one, but I like it. It's empowering...not just angry and I think it describes the place I am at right now. I like it also because it is hopeful...like me. Le sigh. I recently read this blog post and I thought it said something really smart: (to paraphrase) It isn't that the breakup is still so painful or killing me, but it is the fact that I had these plans made for my life and what it would like and now they are totally changed. "i can't keep trying to maintain this balance of dealing with the heartache of losing a relationship that i worked so hard to maintain...losing so much more than that relationship...i've had to change the way i envision my future now."http://asongfortheday.blogspot.com/2007/11/so-i-went-to-ani-difranco-concert-in.html

Getting used to living a new life is how I am getting a little bit stronger everyday. I'm still angry that my plans were altered so abruptly and without my consent, but that is the way it goes sometimes. And when that happens it helps to have really good friends around, willing to be buffers, willing to take you out for a night on the town, and willing to just stay in and watch a movie. But friends aren't always going to be there and my therapist has a life besides handling my problems, so I have myself. And I actually really enjoy my own company. I took myself to Black Swan yesterday, first time going to a movie alone. And I really liked it. I didn't have to worry about if anyone else liked it, if they would eat the popcorn and junior mints, or thought it was too creepy...and I only had to pay for me. It's a lot cheaper to just date yourself. So even though I hear those songs and get sad thinking about what could have been, I keep telling myself it will be ok. And I think maybe, I am beginning to believe it.




Sarah Evans, A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger


And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

My Fave Glee Moment: Forget You!!!

This is my fave Glee moment!!!




lyrics to Forget You / Cee-Lo

(Chorus)
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shit?
ain't that some shit
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

Yeah I'm sorry, I can't afford a ferrari,
But that don't mean I can't get you there.
I guess he's an xbox and I'm more atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.

I pity the fooool that falls in love with you oh
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know n*!$&)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shh?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

Now I know, that I had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with you ain't cheap.

now, I pity the fool that falls in love with you ohh
(oh shh she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know n*&$!)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
uh! I really hate your friend right now!

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shh?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?
(so bad, so bad, so bad)
I tried to tell my mamma but she told me
"this is one for your dad"
(your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you
I still Love you!! Ohhhh...

I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shit?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo

By Cee-Lo Green

6 weeks and breathing--and music

At six weeks, I feel re-punched in the stomach and that the break-up is finally real. So much of me was waiting to make it through Christmas, because well, I just had to. But Christmas was so hard having to see her, every time anything happened, I almost burst into tears. I held it in to the last possible moment. Then after sobbing a good while on my mother's bed, I felt the need to return to my home in the City, and just debrief with myself. Since then it has been a matter of days (3) since cutting off all contact with my ex-something everyone has encouraged me to do in order to move on. I congratulate myself with every hour, because that is how hard it is to deal with. "You can only control yourself." "Doing this will make you feel empowered." I have to admit with every minute that passes without a call, text, or e-mail, I do feel better. And the other thing that makes it better is knowing that I have the power to do this indefinitely. I could never make contact again, which, at this point is an appealing option.

But since this post is about breathing--and music. I have been getting ragged on for my sad country song posts on the fb (nothing like some sad country music to mend a mangled heart.) In fact I received a list of music, "to change things up a bit." ;-) So I included them into my "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" playlist. And as an Ani DiFranco lover, the first one on the list, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" has really got me because of the amazing lyrics, which, are posted at the bottom. Portions highlighted for emphasis.

But, it is at this moment, as I lay in freshly washed sheets, pondering a shower, I know I will be ok. But part of my being o.k. is continuing to be really hurt, angry, and frustrated for the way I was and continue to be treated. And the only solution I have is cutting someone off. I am open to other suggestions, but I tried the let's be friends right away" and I just don't think it is possible. It's like the line at the end of "Twenty-Something Girls vs. Thirty-Something Women" (and yes, I see the irony as being a person who is only 27!!!) Carrie ends the episode saying, "And then I realised something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the [wo]man who broke your heart." And that is the trouble, if I didn't feel like a washed a worn piece of someone's midlife crisis, maybe it would be different! I would love to hear anyone's suggestions for A.) How to handle the post-breakup and B.) Good breakup songs that are encapsulating of both sadness and empowering. Get on it!

So here's my first song for myself in this series.


Ani DiFranco, Rock, Paper, Scissors
it's rock paper scissors as to whether i will get over you at all. it's
hand against hand and both hands are mine. it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy. a happy meal with a surprise
inside. surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes, exposing all
the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide. this melancholy that i carry
makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i
never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up and tame the
stallions of my wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain. but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain? i think i could accept all these dark
colors as just part of some bigger color scheme if it wasn't for that drippy
string quartet of sadness underscoring each smiling scene. yeah desire drags
me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal. and i'm
getting pretty good at looking at the bright side while the flames ripple on
the sand and swallow me whole. but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel
so grown up at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i never thought
i'd see the day when i would say i give up and break the stallions of my
wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way surrounded by so
much pain/ but how am i supposed to let go of you this way like a bird into
the sky of my brain.

here's a video, which, I think was created by the same person who sent me the list of songs. I could be wrong, but I am thinking not so much.

Those Old Songs

I am trying to learn to love those songs when you aren't singing them to me.

"Peaches in the summer
Apples in the fall
If I can't have you all the time
I won't have none at all"*

I can't listen.
Was going to put it on a cd
for someone else
Threw the whole thing off,
so I didn't.

And I am trying to decide if taking other people on our date is ethical.
Snow falling.
Short drive over mountain road.
Pancakes and Bacon
Coffee
Keep it coming
Stopping for water.
Fill tin bottles.

Have you already taken her there?

I am trying to figure out how to listen to those old songs?
The ones we danced to in our living room.
Old 45's scratching through.

I am trying to understand how I could ever go back there?
It's your place too.
"I know this bar..."**
But it isn't.
I first heard that song with you.

I am trying to decide where it went so wrong?
You couldn't function,
making it so I can't function now.
You said maybe it would be you someday.
Our paths separated.
I never noticed.

Wound so soon with someone new.
Wounded so soon with someone new.

*The lovely words of Gillian Welch
**Ani DiFranco

The Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up

Ah I think I am at five weeks today. Still plugging along. But I have been having lots of thoughts about a post from a couple weeks ago about being friends with an ex.

A while ago, three years-ish, I had an ex, who similar to me now was dumped for someone else (by me). I could sugar coat it in some Starbuck's white chocolate flavoring, but in the end, yes, it was for someone else. As my former ex did to me. Anyway this ex of mine said,(and it seemed cold-hearted at the time, but now I think it is brilliant!), "I cannot be friends with you until you have had your heart broken like this." Meaning, until your ass has been left somewhere in the cold for someone else you will NOT get it.

Now, I think she was/is right on! Because you cannot know what it feels like to be dumped and left until it has happened to you. Of course, it sucks! In fact, I think that without this other person, my breakup would be entirely different than what it is. I think I would be able to accept it in an entirely different way. How can I be expected to be friends with the person who left me for someone else and how effing crazy do you have to be to think that somewhere, five weeks later, that anyone (me specifically) could be friends with the person that I was left for? Yeah, maybe is Sunshine, Lollipops, and Daisy Land (which, is often confused for Estes Park, I admit), but I'm sorry not five weeks later, not even five and a half weeks. This is not a throw everything in the pot, add alcohol (and other intoxicants) and see how it turns out in the end. The sight will not be pretty, that I guarantee. It is not because I am not evolved or enlightened enough, it is because I got fucked over and I don't really want that rubbed in my face, especially on Christmas.

The fact is, when I see a Mini Cooper (especially red and in Estes Park, but that isn't even a necessity) I want to smash it. Metaphorically most of the time, but physically at other times. And I am not a violent person but this situation makes me want to, well, smash things. I can rationalize the break up in so many ways. We were going different directions, we have different values, we live in different places, but in the end, it comes down to the fact that she has a Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up. This is something I do not have. And yes, it make me have irrational bursts of anger, plotting the destruction of this other human. In the end the couple of times I have seen her, I have ignored her, or simply done nothing, because really? What is the point? In the end neither one of them is worth that kind of anger. But yes, I am angry. Still. Five weeks later.

In the end I know it is good that I have no Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up. I am going to be the person to grow, to be able to rely on myself, to figure out what I want in my relationships, not simply fill in a void that exists because of my previous relationship's demise. But, for right now, trying to breathe through this is somewhat excruciating, which, my therapist assures me is a good thing. Wallow in your misery, he tells me, or at least experience your feelings without putting judgement on them. Like, I feel lonely, versus, feeling lonely sucks.

So, can you be friends with an ex? "Not until they have had their heart broken like this."

One month down...

Well...it is almost one month into single-dom. Everyone keeps asking if it is getting easier and parts of it definitely are getting easier. However, there are other pieces that are just setting in...mainly being lonely and not just having someone to talk to everyday. I think that is the hardest-this learning to be alone stuff. While I am ok with being alone most of the time...it is well...lonely. Yet, I am never really that alone, I have a roommate/s, and a slew of friends, just had a great birthday/party and have been getting to know a million new people. Unfortunately, just being around people doesn't always make me feel so un-lonely but the constant movement does seem to help relieve my mind and angst a bit. It has been 9-10 years that I haven't been single, so learning to trust myself, and mostly trust myself to be o.k. being alone, is the greatest challenge.

What is getting easier: my love affair with the city. While I miss the mountains terribly and my life there, I realize how many great things Denver has to offer. Great people, restaurants, music, vintage shopping, sexy workshops/crafts, even church that doesn't completely scare me. This city has beauty to offer a girl like me. So I'm learning to try to breathe through this new reinvention of myself, mainly because I have to. However, I am getting better at it by now. It seems that I am some sort of nomad who changes her life every three years: and it isn't like a new haircut reinvention, it's more of a life overhaul. So I am learning to love this about myself; I am adaptable wherever I go. Despite this I Still Miss Someone. And that's where this blog leaves off...thinking of how the past shapes my present and with the lyrics of the Joy Kill Sorrow song not available, I am simply posting the chorus and a link to hear the song. This is a band I heard at Rocky Mountain Folks Fest this year and the voice of the lead singer both haunts and uplifts me. I am pretty much obsessed with them right now.

I Still Miss Someone, Joy Kill Sorrow

Well, I'll never forget those blue eyes
That follow me wherever I go
And miss those arms that held me
And all other love
That was there*

*I think this is what she is saying; it sort of trails off towards the end.

Fergie...what

So I have liked the songs Big Girls Don't Cry for awhile now. For as heterosexual, as normative, and as possibly and probably exploitative of women as this song is-I am so glad to finally hear a song about a woman who takes control of her life. It's a personal choice to take a risk and try new things and I hate that almost all break-up songs are so sad and from the perspective of the broken up with. It isn't super fun being the breaker either people. And we rarely celebrate women taking control of their own destinies and doing what is best for them and not their family, husband, children, job etc...Of course this contradicts with an earlier post about duty being an admirable trait-but in this case Fergie-I salute you-you made the best coice you could given the situation you were in (Candies underpants and all!) Of course it kind of sucks that it is Fergie who brings us this inner monologue of a chick going through a break-up because she wants to do what is best for herself. And she's going to miss her partner but she needs to do some personal growth too...I like to imagine that someone like Sarah McLachlan is doing this song so that I could actually admit to liking it and not be like a total post-feminist a-hole! Or maybe a nice mountain songstress will do a rendition similar to say "Umbrella..."

So here goes...I like Fergie, I like this song, I am not afraid anymore...

oh and the guy from heroes is in the video and HELLO...he can fly (not in the video but on Heroes...) and I think the song is also kind of about masturbation...which I am all about!!

the video--

--
the lyrics
La Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:] [I like to scream this part]-emphasis mine...
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da
--

don't make fun of me...too bad