Why I hate STUPID white men

So although I am going through this nasty divorce (of sorts) process, my life still goes on. I mean it has to. In doing this I have been having some family drama since late last night and all day today. I won't get much into it except to say that in the end there were several e-mails exchanged between my uncle and me. Now, for anyone who knows anything about my family, I find them to be awesome and most accepting of me and the fact that I am a queer lesbian. While I am sure they take it in stride sometimes, I know that my mother and my brother love me very very much and are very cool about my life and the way I choose to go about living it. This is not to say being queer/lesbian is a choice, but I believe in a comprehensive view on the formation of sexuality (physiology, language, environment, performance) etc. This is not to air out my dirty family laundry, but I do think it is an important thing to write about, because it is about families, it is about communication, and the communication in itself could definitely be a place for further study in my life.

So the last e-mail I received from attempted to harangue me, saying that what I do in school isn't "real" because it isn't math or science. He also made sure to tell me that he doesn't hate me because I am a lesbian but because I am a mean person (which he also attributes to genetics-weird because we are related?) And then in the last paragraph proceeded to tell me that at least he has a son and that the dildos I use have no semen coming out of them, so I couldn't be a mother anyway. WTF?!? REALLY?!? GROSS! And last time I checked queers were still allowed in various ways to have children. Wow-low blows for sure.

This is why I hate STUPID white men. Now to clarify, not all white men are stupid, far from it. In fact my best friend and my roommate are both straight white men and I love them both very much. What I dislike are white men who try to define my life for me and tell me what I am and what I am not. I am also not a big fan of white men who refuse to acknowledge their power and privilege in this world (of course I am annoyed by anyone who cannot do this!) I am also super annoyed that my school, my job, my life were dismissed so incredibly hard. I mean really, really, math and science are the only real things? I would like to suggest that without communication we couldn't teach those things-in fact we could teach nothing-so really I am pretty sure communication research and study is important.

I proceeded to e-mail this letter which I will include here and then blocked all of his incoming e-mails. I apologize for the profanity and warn now that if it offends you-DO NOT READ IT!

My name is Kathryn-not Kathy-but you wouldn't know that about me,
because you know absolutely nothing about me.

You are a despicable, ignorant asshole. I don't hate all white men,
what I hate are STUPID white men who use things like sexual orientation
as fodder to hit a person below the belt (YOU!) I am in fact a very
nice person, except when assholes like you decide to engage in this
behavior simply out of sport and ignorance. In which case no I am not
the subservient little woman you appreciate. I speak my mind loudly,
and don't abide by the female codes of civility expected by you or
society. If that makes me mean, then I'm glad. I am not angry, nor
spiteful, unless it comes to people like you who refuse to acknowledge
their power and privilege in this world because they are simply too
ignorant to recognize it.

As for what I am getting a degree in, you have no idea what I am doing
or what I value-again in your ignorance you assume you can speak for
and at me, which is exactly why I do the work I do. To keep ignorant
douchebags like yourself from gaining any more power than you already
do. I'm also pretty sure you maybe have a B.A. and did nothing with
it or with your life-you are a loser-plain and simple. So when it
comes to doing REAL things, I am pretty sure you don't do them either,
in fact you do nothing but drugs and being in pain and wanting to die.
Yeah, that's a very decent life and role model you are setting for
your son.

You may actually be the worst parent I have ever seen. Kicking your
child while on family vacation-wow it's a wonder why they let people
like yourself procreate-this is where forced sterilization might
actually come in handy. It's honestly a shame, because your son is
suffering at your own hands and you fail to recognize that. But
again, being anything other than a loser is not your strong point-you
always have been and as far as I am concerned you always will be.

My sexuality is not up for debate or your insults you fucking asshole.


Fuck you.

the end.

To not end in this extremely negative way, I feel like at least I am strong enough to write something like this. I am a passionate person and I love what I do and I am good at it. And I don't abide by the codes of white female civility that says I need to be quite, and subservient to a man, I don't think that makes me mean. It makes me a strong, independent, fierce, and fabulous feminist, of which, I am very proud. So take that douchey white men of the world and for all you white men out there who are doing good work around your identity, power and privilege, I salute you. You are allies not foe and I have so much respect for that!

the end.

Love Kathyn

6 weeks and breathing--and music

At six weeks, I feel re-punched in the stomach and that the break-up is finally real. So much of me was waiting to make it through Christmas, because well, I just had to. But Christmas was so hard having to see her, every time anything happened, I almost burst into tears. I held it in to the last possible moment. Then after sobbing a good while on my mother's bed, I felt the need to return to my home in the City, and just debrief with myself. Since then it has been a matter of days (3) since cutting off all contact with my ex-something everyone has encouraged me to do in order to move on. I congratulate myself with every hour, because that is how hard it is to deal with. "You can only control yourself." "Doing this will make you feel empowered." I have to admit with every minute that passes without a call, text, or e-mail, I do feel better. And the other thing that makes it better is knowing that I have the power to do this indefinitely. I could never make contact again, which, at this point is an appealing option.

But since this post is about breathing--and music. I have been getting ragged on for my sad country song posts on the fb (nothing like some sad country music to mend a mangled heart.) In fact I received a list of music, "to change things up a bit." ;-) So I included them into my "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" playlist. And as an Ani DiFranco lover, the first one on the list, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" has really got me because of the amazing lyrics, which, are posted at the bottom. Portions highlighted for emphasis.

But, it is at this moment, as I lay in freshly washed sheets, pondering a shower, I know I will be ok. But part of my being o.k. is continuing to be really hurt, angry, and frustrated for the way I was and continue to be treated. And the only solution I have is cutting someone off. I am open to other suggestions, but I tried the let's be friends right away" and I just don't think it is possible. It's like the line at the end of "Twenty-Something Girls vs. Thirty-Something Women" (and yes, I see the irony as being a person who is only 27!!!) Carrie ends the episode saying, "And then I realised something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the [wo]man who broke your heart." And that is the trouble, if I didn't feel like a washed a worn piece of someone's midlife crisis, maybe it would be different! I would love to hear anyone's suggestions for A.) How to handle the post-breakup and B.) Good breakup songs that are encapsulating of both sadness and empowering. Get on it!

So here's my first song for myself in this series.


Ani DiFranco, Rock, Paper, Scissors
it's rock paper scissors as to whether i will get over you at all. it's
hand against hand and both hands are mine. it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy. a happy meal with a surprise
inside. surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes, exposing all
the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide. this melancholy that i carry
makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i
never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up and tame the
stallions of my wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain. but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain? i think i could accept all these dark
colors as just part of some bigger color scheme if it wasn't for that drippy
string quartet of sadness underscoring each smiling scene. yeah desire drags
me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal. and i'm
getting pretty good at looking at the bright side while the flames ripple on
the sand and swallow me whole. but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel
so grown up at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i never thought
i'd see the day when i would say i give up and break the stallions of my
wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way surrounded by so
much pain/ but how am i supposed to let go of you this way like a bird into
the sky of my brain.

here's a video, which, I think was created by the same person who sent me the list of songs. I could be wrong, but I am thinking not so much.

To Be or Not To Be...Angry that is...

So I have thinking about several things to blog about and what I have settled on is this. It involves my class yesterday (not the performance one) and a guy in it and a conversation we had. I was mostly puzzled by the conversation unsure exactly what was happening and yet at the same time I became extremely irritated by what the convo yielded.

It all started because one guy H.L Goodall in his book Writing the New Ethnography said, "Voice is derivative." Basically he meant we pick up our voice specifically as writers but also as human beings trough the voices we hear and read of others. This makes a lot of sense to me. For example a childhood friend of mine was born in the south, she had a thic southern accent. Her parents also spoke with thick accents. When she moved to Colorado and met me all of a sudden I started realizing that I at certain times spoke with a southern accent. I would say "I'm fixing maself somethin ta eat." Or "Ya'll" made an appearance in my vocab. All of this was derived from my social situation, I derived my voice from the voices around me. So it is with authors-often when I read something like Foucault, I will try to imitate his and other critical theorists in my writing (I honestly think it makes me sound smarter and more learned.) Other times I may just incorporate certain elements of these theorists writings into my own, like stringing adjectives together. Nonetheless I feel like it makes sense that our voices would come from the external and become something we internalize-and honestly I do not see how this is not a feminist notion-it is in fact very feminist as far as new ways of defining feminism go.

Back to my story, guy in my class who I will name Fred although that is really not a good name choice because Fred appears stand-offish and old fashioned whereas the man I speak of is actually very warm-hearted with very good intentions. I feel like most of the time when Fred talks he wants to appear smart, educated and also empathetic. He likes to quote feminist rhetoricians when he talks in class and basically likes to throw around the term feminist to prove that he is IN FACT, sensitive to feminist issues and causes. Guess what Fred I've read those books too-taken feminist rhetoric classes and read a shit ton of theory-I mean really you wanna go with me? I like Fred, most of the time as much as I like most of the straight white dudes in my class who like to try and take me to task on issues of feminism, race, and queer on a monthly basis.

My saving grace is that in that class there is a Cool California Blonde. I am going to call her Tiffany although this is really a bad name for her because Tiffany sounds like the name of a bimbo, or at best an airhead and actually Tiffany is one of the smartest people I know. Often she and I make eye contact throughout class (we are not much for social friends) but in the classroom setting I am so glad to have her presence there because I know that most of the time she is thinking exactly what I am thinking. All my complaints of people not getting it are stifled in her because she gets it. Maybe not all of it but neither do I so I really can't complain.

So an interesting dynamic happened yesterday in regards to Fred, Tiffany and I. Fred posed te question, in his sort of pretentious, look at me I'm a feminist watch me shed my knowledge sort of way, "Isn't what Goodall is saying against the feminist notions of voice of trying to unleash the voice, to give the voice of the marginalized a place to speak. I mean isn't that the primary concern of feminists is to give voice to those who aren't heard."

Gut reaction, "Huh?" puzzled look adorning my face. How is what Goodall saying not feminist and where did you learn your feminist theory Fred-some 70's drawing room with a bunch of white women sitting around examining their vaginas talking about how they are oppressed?

Tiffany must've been thinking the same thing because she raised her hand and said, "I think the whole point of this is that people of color, women, queer people and all of those who intersect multiple identities are able to get in touch with their voices more easily and I don't think Goodall's argument is not feminist just because he says it is derivative."

My professor also sort of chimed in and said something to the affect of there have been times when ideas of voice were more internal and that they came from places inside.

I'm still confused. I don't know exactly what Fred, Tiffany or the Professor are saying. All I know is that I don't like the conversation it doesn't seem necessary or productive and it definitely seems built on archaic notions of what feminism is or has been.

I interject. "I think Goodall is advocating for recognizing positionality and I don't understand what is not feminist about this? And also when you talk about the (emphasis mine) feminist perspective of voice of whom are you speaking?"

Fred stutters, "Well although their are different versions of feminism like womanism for African Americans etc...a primary concern is voice and hearing voices we don't always hear right? I mean that's the point of standpoint theory."

Wrong. wrong wrong wrong. Standpoint theory? really? Great theory, love it, now lets keep going. Lets push those notions further. That's what I see feminism doing these days. We are no longer solely concerned with marginalized groups but how power relations are maintained, negotiated, and performed on a daily basis. It is no longer simple enough to say margin and center because there is too much complexity in the human experience to limit it to that. We are all margins and centers at different moments in time, history, and geographical and spatial location. I do not totally disagree with Fred, but women's/feminist/and gender studies and feminism more generally is also concerned with much more than consciousness raising as they once were during the second wave. While I am in debt to those who do and have done this work I would say that feminism as a discipline and a movement has been much too influenced by queer theory, critical race studies, and global social movements to so that we are concerned with power relations and social structures and a piece of this is yes hearing the voices of those who are marginalized. And a part of that is unleashing derivative voices. It is no longer simply giving or hearing voice (although this is really never simple) but understanding voices in larger structures and contexts, not hearing the voices for the voices sake. and I love hearing voices, I love reading voices, but they don't speak to me because they come from this internal harmonious woman place, but because they are social voices in social contexts and as Goodall says they fill the "gaps in my soul." But can I be critical of those voices-yes-definitely. I love Audre Lourde but her piece on "The Erotic" makes me uncomfortable as shit. I still love her and it because they challenge me-it is the challenge that I truly love.

At that moment I start to scribble in my notebook. This is why Women's Studies programs are in such contention. On one hand they are fighting to be legitimized to be taken seriously because guys like Fred think that feminists are (while maybe a positive stereotype) are still mainly concerned with unleashing the inner goddesses voices of the marginalized. And yet at the same time there is so much push to eliminate women's studies programs because they place women and gender too much as a focus when we should be concerned with all aspects of identity and the way different identities produce and maintain each other. Another perspective, women's studies is no longer needed, we're equal now right? Why aren't there men's studies programs? There are just look at who dominates the writing in the majority of other disciplines as well as the fact that implicit in understanding women as a valid line of inquiry we must also study men.

I realize that I have gotten defensive at a time and place I maybe shouldn't have. I should have been more dialogic, I shouldn't have looked and sounded so upset and angry. But he was criticizing my baby, my passion. At the end of class Tiffany came up to me, "Thank You," and tapped my desk. I guess it was worth it to be angry-even if for only that.