Anyday, Ani DiFranco

This song has been calling to me for a few days now. I stopped listening to it awhile back, but it has remade it's way into my repertoire of favorites. It's amazing how songs can follow you through relationships, or periods of time, then you might break up with them and maybe in the end you get back together. I'm glad to be reunited with this song-it's so honest and as one of the commenters on the video says, "medicinal." I like that.

Anyday, Ani DiFranco


I will lean into you
And you can be the wind
I will open up my mouth
And you can come rushing in
You can rush in so hard
And make it so I can’t breathe
I breathe too much anyway
I can do that anyday

I just wish I knew who you were
I wish you’d make yourself known
Probably you don’t know I’m her
The woman you want to call home
I’ll keep my ear to the wall
I’ll keep my eye on the door
’cause I’ve heard all my own jokes
And they’re just not funny anymore
I laugh too much anyway
I can do that anyday

Have you ever been bent or pulled
Have you ever been played like strings
If I could see you I could strum you
I could break you
Make you sing
But I guess you can’t really see the wind
It just comes in and fills the space
And everytime something moves
You think that you have seen it’s face
And I’ve always got my guitar to play
But I can do that anyday

6 weeks and breathing--and music

At six weeks, I feel re-punched in the stomach and that the break-up is finally real. So much of me was waiting to make it through Christmas, because well, I just had to. But Christmas was so hard having to see her, every time anything happened, I almost burst into tears. I held it in to the last possible moment. Then after sobbing a good while on my mother's bed, I felt the need to return to my home in the City, and just debrief with myself. Since then it has been a matter of days (3) since cutting off all contact with my ex-something everyone has encouraged me to do in order to move on. I congratulate myself with every hour, because that is how hard it is to deal with. "You can only control yourself." "Doing this will make you feel empowered." I have to admit with every minute that passes without a call, text, or e-mail, I do feel better. And the other thing that makes it better is knowing that I have the power to do this indefinitely. I could never make contact again, which, at this point is an appealing option.

But since this post is about breathing--and music. I have been getting ragged on for my sad country song posts on the fb (nothing like some sad country music to mend a mangled heart.) In fact I received a list of music, "to change things up a bit." ;-) So I included them into my "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" playlist. And as an Ani DiFranco lover, the first one on the list, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" has really got me because of the amazing lyrics, which, are posted at the bottom. Portions highlighted for emphasis.

But, it is at this moment, as I lay in freshly washed sheets, pondering a shower, I know I will be ok. But part of my being o.k. is continuing to be really hurt, angry, and frustrated for the way I was and continue to be treated. And the only solution I have is cutting someone off. I am open to other suggestions, but I tried the let's be friends right away" and I just don't think it is possible. It's like the line at the end of "Twenty-Something Girls vs. Thirty-Something Women" (and yes, I see the irony as being a person who is only 27!!!) Carrie ends the episode saying, "And then I realised something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the [wo]man who broke your heart." And that is the trouble, if I didn't feel like a washed a worn piece of someone's midlife crisis, maybe it would be different! I would love to hear anyone's suggestions for A.) How to handle the post-breakup and B.) Good breakup songs that are encapsulating of both sadness and empowering. Get on it!

So here's my first song for myself in this series.


Ani DiFranco, Rock, Paper, Scissors
it's rock paper scissors as to whether i will get over you at all. it's
hand against hand and both hands are mine. it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy. a happy meal with a surprise
inside. surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes, exposing all
the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide. this melancholy that i carry
makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i
never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up and tame the
stallions of my wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain. but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain? i think i could accept all these dark
colors as just part of some bigger color scheme if it wasn't for that drippy
string quartet of sadness underscoring each smiling scene. yeah desire drags
me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal. and i'm
getting pretty good at looking at the bright side while the flames ripple on
the sand and swallow me whole. but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel
so grown up at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i never thought
i'd see the day when i would say i give up and break the stallions of my
wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way surrounded by so
much pain/ but how am i supposed to let go of you this way like a bird into
the sky of my brain.

here's a video, which, I think was created by the same person who sent me the list of songs. I could be wrong, but I am thinking not so much.

Shameless, Ani DiFranco

So today I traded in my Toyota Prius Hybrid for...duh duh duh...the gayest car in the world...the Subaru Outback Legacy. It is awesome and spacious, with heated seats, rear windshield wiper, and anti-skid protection. In light of this I have decided to dedicate the song shameless by ani difranco to myself. I love this song and it very much describes my mood currently. So here's to me and my shameless-ly gay car and my shameless-ly good mood.

ani difranco, shameless lyrics

i cannot name this
i cannot explain this
and i really don't want to
just call me shameless
i can't even slow this down
let alone stop this
and i keep looking around
but i cannot top this

if i had any sense
i guess i'd fear this
i guess i'd keep it down
so no one would hear this
i guess i'd shut my mouth
and rethink a minute
but i can't shut it now
'cuz there's something in it

we're in a room without a door
and i am sure without a doubt
they're gonna wanna know
how we got in here
and they're gonna wanna know
how we plan to get out
we better have a good explanation
for all the fun that we had
'cuz they are coming for us, baby
they are going to be mad
they are going to be mad at us

this is my skeleton
this is the skin it's in
that is, according to light
and gravity
i'll take off my disguise
the mask you met me in
'cuz i got something
for you to see
just gimme your skeleton
give me the skin it's in
yeah baby, this is you
according to me
i never avert my eyes
i never compromise
so nevermind
the poetry

we're in a room without a door...

i gotta cover my butt 'cuz i covet
another man's wife
i got to divide my emotions
between wrong and right
then i get to see how close i can get to it
without giving in
then i get to rub up against it
till i break the skin
rub up against it
till i break the skin

they're gonna be mad at us
they're gonna be mad at me and you
yeah, they're gonna be mad at us
and all the things we wanna do
they're gonna be mad at us
they're gonna be mad at me and you
they're gonna be mad at us
and all the things we want to do

just please don't name this
please don't explain this
just blame it all on me
say i was shameless
say i couldn't slow it down
let alone stop it
and say you just hung around
'cuz you couldn't top it
--
here's a link to a photo by the way
http://images.cars.com/main/DMI/113146/1888.jpg

loves it!!

2 ani songs for my mood

Ani Difranco - Napoleon Lyrics

they told you your music
could reach millions
that the choice was up to you
you told me they always
pay for lunch
and they believe in what i do
and i wonder
if you miss your old friends
once you've proven what you're worth
yeah i wonder
when you're a big star
will you miss the earth

and i know you would always want more
i know you would never be done
'cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon

and the next time
that i saw you
you were larger than life
you came and you conquered
you were doing alright
you had an army
of suits behind you
and all you had to be was willing
and i said i still
make a pretty good living
you must make a killing
a killing

and i hope that you are happy
i hope at least you are having fun
'cuz but everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon

now you think, so that is
the way it's gonna be
that's what this is all about
i think that that is
the way it always was
you chose not to notice until now
yeah now that there's a problem
you call me up to confide
and you go on for over an hour
'bout each one that took you for a ride

and i guess that you dialed my number
'cuz you thought for sure that i'd agree
i said baby, you know i still love you
but how dare you complain to me

everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon
--
"Gratitude"

thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
thank you
for the beer and the food
thank you
for loaning me bus fare
thank you for showing me around
that was a very kind thing to do
thank you
for the use of the clean towel
thank you for half of your bed
we can sleep here like brother and sister,
you said

but you changed the rules
in an hour or two
and I don't know what you
and your sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude?

look at you
little white lying
for the purpose of justifying
what you're trying to do
I know that you feel my resistance
I know that you heard what I said
otherwise you wouldn't need the excuse

thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
I don't know where else
I would have turned
but I don't come and go
like a pop song
that you can play incessantly
and then foget when it's gone
you can't write me off
and you don't turn me on

so don't change the rules
in an hour or two
I don't know what you and your
sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude?