I moved my things out today. Well, I should say the new lady and I moved my things out of my old house today. And all that runs through my head is that horrid Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow Song, Picture. I won't even post lyrics or a vid because I feel like that would be dumb. We all know how it goes, or if by chance you do not, you are one of the lucky few. It was sad to move my things out but a bit cathartic as well. As in, I am excited that soon I can finally be fully liberated from my past relationship and from a place that I loved, but think I have somewhat outgrew (I spiraled out as they say,and I am happy to report that I am so glad I did!)
This weekend before the start of spring quarter, I am going to a step into spring yoga workshop/series with my favorite yoga teacher. Yoga has been really great for me, as there are things I need to let go of for sure.
As I told the new lady today, "I need to stop thinking people will put the same amount of care into relationships, because they rarely do and then I am let down." I am the kind of person who does try extremely hard to make things work, even when they shouldn't work. So I have high expectations, and people tell me that my expectations are what aid in my disappointment. Well, I find this to an outdated and incorrect adage. While, it's true that without expectations, I may not be disappointed, it is also true that without expectations , I wouldn't be amazed and appreciative of the fact that those expectations are malleable and thus transcendable (is this a word? Probably not?) So that when someone shows up at my door with an orchid (because the grocery didn't have maple blueberry sausage patties) I can be amazed that someone has actually been able to exceed those expectations and thus open up my expectations altogether.
I do not think expectations separate me from the present, but actually draw me closer to it. Basically, I think expectations are ok as is planning for the future as long as we also take time to be in the present. This is why I love nidra so much. It is not the meditation that tells you to completely clear you head, instead it asks us to focus our brains in specific ways. This is good for me as I do not think clearing my head is a very realistic option for me.
What I will say, is that I am in recovery. More than in recovery even. A place of joy, because I can look to the future and think about the potential for my life to be this amazing and beautiful thing. I can be in a relationship with a person who knows they want to be with me, who wants to share a home with me, wants to have a family with me (eventually, not tomorrow or anything) and this gives me some real contentment. Contentment through expectations. The yogis might not think it's accurate but the 27 year-old trying to figure out her life thinks it sounds just grand.
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Nidra
Ack! Where to begin.
Some of my health issues have started to come back-not in an incredibly serious way yet, but in ways that have caused me to stop and contemplate the world around me. I have been thinking about the amounts of trauma I have endured in the last two-ish years of my life, including my great-grandmother passing away, my hysterectomy (and three other surgeries prior to it), my step-father dying pretty unexpectedly, having the most significant relationship in my life come to a jolting halt, not to mention graduate school drama and stress. I have been through a lot. My body has been through a lot.
I went to DU Health Circus because my body has just not been quite right for awhile now, I have shifty mood swings, I have lost close to 40 pounds since last May, and I have this weird itchy crawly feeling on my skin 85% of the time. I saw a Dr. (a reproductive endocrinologist) because of my rapid weight loss (something generally not to be worried about, but in my case I have to worry, because it could mean an issue with my hormones, and thus, bone loss). I have to monitor these things. Strangely enough the Doc told me I looked good and that the weight loss was nothing to be concerned about, unless it keeps going down. He actually listened to me, a straight, white, man doctor made me feel more listened too than my female gyno EVER has. Crazy how that works. He told me a lot of my issues probably have to do with the stress of my life and some of the major changes that have occurred in it. I do have to see the nutritionist to make sure everything is "normal." She will probably inform me that Yogurtland is not an acceptable dinner choice...fair enough...I'll listen. And I have like three hormone level tests being checked too, to make sure I am ok on that front. I do not want to regain the weight I have lost, I feel better now than I have in years; but I don't want to be unhealthy either. I am trying to get my body into a place of health again, but the body is always connected to the mind and emotional stress. So I have been searching out ways to reconcile my mind with my body, with the trauma and loss, and other emotions I have been experiencing very rapidly.
So I went to church in December. Yes, like real church, in the Highlands of Denver, listened to Christians be Christian (in a welcoming, warm, and inviting way.) I wanted to go to another church in the city (I still have plans to do this) because it is an ELCA, RIC church, which connects me to my past and my roots in a way I am kind of ready to re-explore. I do not identify with organized religion very much, but I feel that I am ready to be sort of open to this. Partly because, I feel that I cannot get through the shit of my life without connecting it to a spiritual practice of some sort. It feels like it is missing from my life and now that I live in a city with many options, I am attempting, to flesh this out a bit. I'm not saying I am jumping on the Christian bandwagon, far from it, but I am trying to be open to experiencing a presence of religiosity/spirituality in my life again.
On top of this, I have started going to yoga at this beautiful studio in Glendale, called Harmony Yoga. I chose to go there instead of say, Core Power, because of the element of spirituality that occurs in the classes they offer. I have been accused of not being respectful of religious practices associated with "New-Age" spirituality. And what I have found is that is an unfounded and completely false accusation. Like wanting to go to church, I also want to go to yoga to experience a spiritual presence. Of course yoga is good "exercise" but for me, I have never enjoyed yoga that was not rooted in the spiritual, and yes, metaphysical roots. While I do not believe in bodily transcendence, I do believe that we experience emotions at a cognitive level and affects at a subconscious level and that we can become more in tune with both of those elements through practices of moving energies, being still, and releasing the body. Being in a place that asks me to simply be with my affects and emotions is a new experience for me and something I work on in therapy all the time. Be with your emotions without judgement. Learn how to deal with traumatic situations without judgement.
So I get that this is problematic, as a critical scholar, I feel we should never sit idly by, especially when injustice is happening around us. At the same time, I am beginning to feel that without letting emotions happen, without experiencing them, we cut ourselves off to what we as individuals need in order to more effectively/affectively form relational bonds with others and work for social change. Maybe sitting in a place of Nidra is where affective potentialities lie. And what is strange is that in this space of the yoga studio, with a teacher who reminds me of an old friend, I sit in a place where I let my trauma reside in me for a moment and then I open my heart chakra, and I let it go. I let the ugliness of my past traumas, death, health issues, depression, anxiety go out through my heart chakra and honestly I feel it opening in ways I never knew were possible. And this is helping to make me re-open myself to the possibility of forming intimate and loving bonds with others again.
In this space of Nidra, I focus on the color orange, which is so strange to me, because it is not a color I associate with myself (although I believe it is the color most associated with self-love), and I can imagine loving and being in love with someone again, being open to that possibility more than ever before. While being cautious, I realize I cannot give up on myself or in humanity, because in doing that I give up on the possibility that anything could ever change for the better. And I am just not willing to let my past ruin my present or future like that.
Some of my health issues have started to come back-not in an incredibly serious way yet, but in ways that have caused me to stop and contemplate the world around me. I have been thinking about the amounts of trauma I have endured in the last two-ish years of my life, including my great-grandmother passing away, my hysterectomy (and three other surgeries prior to it), my step-father dying pretty unexpectedly, having the most significant relationship in my life come to a jolting halt, not to mention graduate school drama and stress. I have been through a lot. My body has been through a lot.
I went to DU Health Circus because my body has just not been quite right for awhile now, I have shifty mood swings, I have lost close to 40 pounds since last May, and I have this weird itchy crawly feeling on my skin 85% of the time. I saw a Dr. (a reproductive endocrinologist) because of my rapid weight loss (something generally not to be worried about, but in my case I have to worry, because it could mean an issue with my hormones, and thus, bone loss). I have to monitor these things. Strangely enough the Doc told me I looked good and that the weight loss was nothing to be concerned about, unless it keeps going down. He actually listened to me, a straight, white, man doctor made me feel more listened too than my female gyno EVER has. Crazy how that works. He told me a lot of my issues probably have to do with the stress of my life and some of the major changes that have occurred in it. I do have to see the nutritionist to make sure everything is "normal." She will probably inform me that Yogurtland is not an acceptable dinner choice...fair enough...I'll listen. And I have like three hormone level tests being checked too, to make sure I am ok on that front. I do not want to regain the weight I have lost, I feel better now than I have in years; but I don't want to be unhealthy either. I am trying to get my body into a place of health again, but the body is always connected to the mind and emotional stress. So I have been searching out ways to reconcile my mind with my body, with the trauma and loss, and other emotions I have been experiencing very rapidly.
So I went to church in December. Yes, like real church, in the Highlands of Denver, listened to Christians be Christian (in a welcoming, warm, and inviting way.) I wanted to go to another church in the city (I still have plans to do this) because it is an ELCA, RIC church, which connects me to my past and my roots in a way I am kind of ready to re-explore. I do not identify with organized religion very much, but I feel that I am ready to be sort of open to this. Partly because, I feel that I cannot get through the shit of my life without connecting it to a spiritual practice of some sort. It feels like it is missing from my life and now that I live in a city with many options, I am attempting, to flesh this out a bit. I'm not saying I am jumping on the Christian bandwagon, far from it, but I am trying to be open to experiencing a presence of religiosity/spirituality in my life again.
On top of this, I have started going to yoga at this beautiful studio in Glendale, called Harmony Yoga. I chose to go there instead of say, Core Power, because of the element of spirituality that occurs in the classes they offer. I have been accused of not being respectful of religious practices associated with "New-Age" spirituality. And what I have found is that is an unfounded and completely false accusation. Like wanting to go to church, I also want to go to yoga to experience a spiritual presence. Of course yoga is good "exercise" but for me, I have never enjoyed yoga that was not rooted in the spiritual, and yes, metaphysical roots. While I do not believe in bodily transcendence, I do believe that we experience emotions at a cognitive level and affects at a subconscious level and that we can become more in tune with both of those elements through practices of moving energies, being still, and releasing the body. Being in a place that asks me to simply be with my affects and emotions is a new experience for me and something I work on in therapy all the time. Be with your emotions without judgement. Learn how to deal with traumatic situations without judgement.
So I get that this is problematic, as a critical scholar, I feel we should never sit idly by, especially when injustice is happening around us. At the same time, I am beginning to feel that without letting emotions happen, without experiencing them, we cut ourselves off to what we as individuals need in order to more effectively/affectively form relational bonds with others and work for social change. Maybe sitting in a place of Nidra is where affective potentialities lie. And what is strange is that in this space of the yoga studio, with a teacher who reminds me of an old friend, I sit in a place where I let my trauma reside in me for a moment and then I open my heart chakra, and I let it go. I let the ugliness of my past traumas, death, health issues, depression, anxiety go out through my heart chakra and honestly I feel it opening in ways I never knew were possible. And this is helping to make me re-open myself to the possibility of forming intimate and loving bonds with others again.
In this space of Nidra, I focus on the color orange, which is so strange to me, because it is not a color I associate with myself (although I believe it is the color most associated with self-love), and I can imagine loving and being in love with someone again, being open to that possibility more than ever before. While being cautious, I realize I cannot give up on myself or in humanity, because in doing that I give up on the possibility that anything could ever change for the better. And I am just not willing to let my past ruin my present or future like that.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Relationship comparisons and affect
So I have been thinking a lot about relationships, mostly because I am trying to reconcile the death of some relationships with the birth of new ones. And recently, I had a friend who told me, "You are not ready to be in a relationship until you stop comparing the new potential intimate partner with the old." So I have been thinking about this statement because I wonder if it is ever possible to not compare old relationships to new ones? This stems from what I am currently studying and trying to make sense of which is queer theory, performance, and theories of affect. Very simply, I think of affect as the pre-sensing space of feeling or emotion, more specifically I conceive of it as Erin Manning does, as the relational space of moving sensation that occurs in the interval spaces between people, or as Sara Ahmed conceives of as surfaces rubbing together and the affects that arise from the rub of these surfaces. Similar definitions, although conceptualized differently.
I keep telling myself that without the past we cannot be in the present we are in. And how can we think of current relationships without thinking of how they not necessarily compare, but relate to our past relationships? While I am thinking specifically of intimate partners, whether monogamously or polyamorously (is that a word?), I think it can apply to friendships, parental/familial relationships as well. I guess, to me in terms of affect, or affective spaces, how can we help but think of relationships in terms of how they felt/and how they feel now? We are social beings who can only make sense of life through our relationships, unless you are what's his name from "Into the Wild," who still related to world relationally (not necessarily to humans) but to animals/nature etc, so how can we not compare. In comparing this doesn't necessarily mean thinking about the relationships hierarchically, but just relationally.
For example, when thinking about how someone broke your heart, it becomes very easy to romanticize new relationships that try to heal you from that space, restore faith in relationships, and humanity altogether. But as I was reminded, and am trying to negotiate, it cannot be the only reason for getting involved in new relationships, which I agree with very much. New relationships cannot be built on the foundation that they are different, better etc than a previous relationship. They are kind of being set up to fail if based off of that only. But, I do think we are always comparing, even as we try not to, and I guess, I also don't think this is bad. As my therapist tells me, "As we go through the process of a relationship ending, if we at least recognize what we do not want out of a new relationship, it makes the previous relationship worth it." And in this sense, I do think my previous relationships have all been worth it. Without them I wouldn't be in the place I am now, wanting to experience the sort of all-encompassing love I do. If we are processing the ending of a relationship (and I am) we begin to realize what we want, based off of what we know we do not want. This is usually understood in terms of the past and the past relationships we have had. I kind of want a fairytale, not in a stupid way, but I want to be silly in love, with someone who know they want to be with me no matter what. I do not want second-guessing and I want someone willing to do the difficult emotional labor of building a sustainable relationship with me. This is romanticized, I get that, but it is what I want.
I know this definitely seems like a sort of random post, but, it is what I am thinking about because of these very recent conversations which are definitely making me think a lot about the current/future relationships I form and how they will be influenced by the past. Just some thoughts.
So I am posting this video from Sex and the City, because it is the kind of love that I want and I am not willing to settle for anything less.
I keep telling myself that without the past we cannot be in the present we are in. And how can we think of current relationships without thinking of how they not necessarily compare, but relate to our past relationships? While I am thinking specifically of intimate partners, whether monogamously or polyamorously (is that a word?), I think it can apply to friendships, parental/familial relationships as well. I guess, to me in terms of affect, or affective spaces, how can we help but think of relationships in terms of how they felt/and how they feel now? We are social beings who can only make sense of life through our relationships, unless you are what's his name from "Into the Wild," who still related to world relationally (not necessarily to humans) but to animals/nature etc, so how can we not compare. In comparing this doesn't necessarily mean thinking about the relationships hierarchically, but just relationally.
For example, when thinking about how someone broke your heart, it becomes very easy to romanticize new relationships that try to heal you from that space, restore faith in relationships, and humanity altogether. But as I was reminded, and am trying to negotiate, it cannot be the only reason for getting involved in new relationships, which I agree with very much. New relationships cannot be built on the foundation that they are different, better etc than a previous relationship. They are kind of being set up to fail if based off of that only. But, I do think we are always comparing, even as we try not to, and I guess, I also don't think this is bad. As my therapist tells me, "As we go through the process of a relationship ending, if we at least recognize what we do not want out of a new relationship, it makes the previous relationship worth it." And in this sense, I do think my previous relationships have all been worth it. Without them I wouldn't be in the place I am now, wanting to experience the sort of all-encompassing love I do. If we are processing the ending of a relationship (and I am) we begin to realize what we want, based off of what we know we do not want. This is usually understood in terms of the past and the past relationships we have had. I kind of want a fairytale, not in a stupid way, but I want to be silly in love, with someone who know they want to be with me no matter what. I do not want second-guessing and I want someone willing to do the difficult emotional labor of building a sustainable relationship with me. This is romanticized, I get that, but it is what I want.
I know this definitely seems like a sort of random post, but, it is what I am thinking about because of these very recent conversations which are definitely making me think a lot about the current/future relationships I form and how they will be influenced by the past. Just some thoughts.
So I am posting this video from Sex and the City, because it is the kind of love that I want and I am not willing to settle for anything less.
Monday, December 13, 2010
One month down...
Well...it is almost one month into single-dom. Everyone keeps asking if it is getting easier and parts of it definitely are getting easier. However, there are other pieces that are just setting in...mainly being lonely and not just having someone to talk to everyday. I think that is the hardest-this learning to be alone stuff. While I am ok with being alone most of the time...it is well...lonely. Yet, I am never really that alone, I have a roommate/s, and a slew of friends, just had a great birthday/party and have been getting to know a million new people. Unfortunately, just being around people doesn't always make me feel so un-lonely but the constant movement does seem to help relieve my mind and angst a bit. It has been 9-10 years that I haven't been single, so learning to trust myself, and mostly trust myself to be o.k. being alone, is the greatest challenge.
What is getting easier: my love affair with the city. While I miss the mountains terribly and my life there, I realize how many great things Denver has to offer. Great people, restaurants, music, vintage shopping, sexy workshops/crafts, even church that doesn't completely scare me. This city has beauty to offer a girl like me. So I'm learning to try to breathe through this new reinvention of myself, mainly because I have to. However, I am getting better at it by now. It seems that I am some sort of nomad who changes her life every three years: and it isn't like a new haircut reinvention, it's more of a life overhaul. So I am learning to love this about myself; I am adaptable wherever I go. Despite this I Still Miss Someone. And that's where this blog leaves off...thinking of how the past shapes my present and with the lyrics of the Joy Kill Sorrow song not available, I am simply posting the chorus and a link to hear the song. This is a band I heard at Rocky Mountain Folks Fest this year and the voice of the lead singer both haunts and uplifts me. I am pretty much obsessed with them right now.
I Still Miss Someone, Joy Kill Sorrow
Well, I'll never forget those blue eyes
That follow me wherever I go
And miss those arms that held me
And all other love
That was there*
*I think this is what she is saying; it sort of trails off towards the end.
What is getting easier: my love affair with the city. While I miss the mountains terribly and my life there, I realize how many great things Denver has to offer. Great people, restaurants, music, vintage shopping, sexy workshops/crafts, even church that doesn't completely scare me. This city has beauty to offer a girl like me. So I'm learning to try to breathe through this new reinvention of myself, mainly because I have to. However, I am getting better at it by now. It seems that I am some sort of nomad who changes her life every three years: and it isn't like a new haircut reinvention, it's more of a life overhaul. So I am learning to love this about myself; I am adaptable wherever I go. Despite this I Still Miss Someone. And that's where this blog leaves off...thinking of how the past shapes my present and with the lyrics of the Joy Kill Sorrow song not available, I am simply posting the chorus and a link to hear the song. This is a band I heard at Rocky Mountain Folks Fest this year and the voice of the lead singer both haunts and uplifts me. I am pretty much obsessed with them right now.
I Still Miss Someone, Joy Kill Sorrow
Well, I'll never forget those blue eyes
That follow me wherever I go
And miss those arms that held me
And all other love
That was there*
*I think this is what she is saying; it sort of trails off towards the end.
Monday, December 24, 2007
What should we give up for someone else...or for love
"Because it is Christmas and at Christmas you tell the truth..." Love Actually, my all time favorite Christmas movie along with the Family Stone...
So I am watching Love Actually and as most of my thoughts usually stem from some piece of media these thoughts stem from this one. My Christmas champagne is bubbling over in the glass and the movie has just began, the opening lines coming from Hugh Grant, "Love actually is all around..." cut to music.
Why this movie...because it is bittersweet. It is real. Maybe not realistic but the emotions it inspires and elicits are both joyous and yet melancholy at the same time, making it real. It seems to bring up the images of lone trees that my mother collects which are hopeful for their survival and yet lonely because they are well alone in the wilderness...and this is often how people feel on holidays. This is the most wonderful time of the year, but not for everyone. Not for the poor who have commercialism thrown down their throats, not those who have recently lost family/friends/pets and have a constant reminder that that entity will not be present for the festivities, nor those who have been through rough break-ups, divorces, periods of growth, transition, and change. For those people the holidays are bittersweet, we are supposed to be happy, but are we supposed to push away our normal everyday feelings in order to make merry during the holiday season? We can't and so we push forth into the holidays with glass of cheap bubbly in hand hoping to combat our angst, guilt, and fear by gorging ourselves on overcooked food, and burying ourselves in holiday cheer.
Back to the movie...why I love it so much. This movie is about people who some get what they want and some don't, but in the end things work out the way they are supposed to or at least for the best at the present time. And it speaks to me because some of them do not do what is best for themselves but what is best for the situation or because they feel immense duty before their own happiness.
The art gallery director who is love with Juliet (Keira Knightley) is able to tell her how he really feels but knows that he isn't going to hurt his best friend or break up their marriage (not yet anyway...). But he gives up his love for her for the best of the situation-he is willing to do that and it is admirable. He doesn't do what makes him happy, he does what appeases his emotions by telling her in the cutest way possible.
Second example Laura Linny's character who when given the chance to sleep with the hot guy in her office decides that she can't because she has to answer the phone from her brother and be there for him in the way he needs. It is sad to see the sacrifice happen-but I think that is a truth that happens. People give up their own desires for happiness in order to do what they see as obligation and duty and I also think that is admirable-sad yes-but admirable also...
So what should we give up or not for someone else or for love-even if that love is platonic or familial and should we give up our own happiness for the well-being of someone else. In certain situations I honestly think we should to an extent. In this society of "do what makes you happy," "do what's best for YOU" it is surprising to find the antithesis of this. And I think it is this melancholia that really describes what the holidays mean for some people...
So I am watching Love Actually and as most of my thoughts usually stem from some piece of media these thoughts stem from this one. My Christmas champagne is bubbling over in the glass and the movie has just began, the opening lines coming from Hugh Grant, "Love actually is all around..." cut to music.
Why this movie...because it is bittersweet. It is real. Maybe not realistic but the emotions it inspires and elicits are both joyous and yet melancholy at the same time, making it real. It seems to bring up the images of lone trees that my mother collects which are hopeful for their survival and yet lonely because they are well alone in the wilderness...and this is often how people feel on holidays. This is the most wonderful time of the year, but not for everyone. Not for the poor who have commercialism thrown down their throats, not those who have recently lost family/friends/pets and have a constant reminder that that entity will not be present for the festivities, nor those who have been through rough break-ups, divorces, periods of growth, transition, and change. For those people the holidays are bittersweet, we are supposed to be happy, but are we supposed to push away our normal everyday feelings in order to make merry during the holiday season? We can't and so we push forth into the holidays with glass of cheap bubbly in hand hoping to combat our angst, guilt, and fear by gorging ourselves on overcooked food, and burying ourselves in holiday cheer.
Back to the movie...why I love it so much. This movie is about people who some get what they want and some don't, but in the end things work out the way they are supposed to or at least for the best at the present time. And it speaks to me because some of them do not do what is best for themselves but what is best for the situation or because they feel immense duty before their own happiness.
The art gallery director who is love with Juliet (Keira Knightley) is able to tell her how he really feels but knows that he isn't going to hurt his best friend or break up their marriage (not yet anyway...). But he gives up his love for her for the best of the situation-he is willing to do that and it is admirable. He doesn't do what makes him happy, he does what appeases his emotions by telling her in the cutest way possible.
Second example Laura Linny's character who when given the chance to sleep with the hot guy in her office decides that she can't because she has to answer the phone from her brother and be there for him in the way he needs. It is sad to see the sacrifice happen-but I think that is a truth that happens. People give up their own desires for happiness in order to do what they see as obligation and duty and I also think that is admirable-sad yes-but admirable also...
So what should we give up or not for someone else or for love-even if that love is platonic or familial and should we give up our own happiness for the well-being of someone else. In certain situations I honestly think we should to an extent. In this society of "do what makes you happy," "do what's best for YOU" it is surprising to find the antithesis of this. And I think it is this melancholia that really describes what the holidays mean for some people...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)