Going gluten free

I have been gluten free for about three weeks now; although I have had slip ups. I'm just not used to the fact that so many food use gluten as a binder. Gluten even exists in BBQ sauce, one of my favorite condiments.

As of this summer I became very conscious about the foods I put into my body because I realized how much my body suffers from consuming too much of certain foods and not enough of others. This meant cutting out most of my dairy intake, primarily cheese. But I also drink my coffee black. I also cut out a lot of sugar however, since starting back to school, my sugar has definitely increased, I think it is all of those trips to Yogurtland. I know yogurt is dairy, but for some reason it impacts me in a good way, instead of negatively.

But as of three weeks ago I was told by the Dr. to try to be gluten free for six weeks to see if some of my symptoms, inability to digest food, constant itchiness, and general sloth-like behaviors. There was also a scare that this might be related to my having MS. So I am hoping it is a gluten issue and not the other. So I have stopped consuming so many of my normal foods, or replacing them with gluten free varieties.

With this, I have to admit, I feel probably 50-75% better most days, more days closer to the 75% mark. This is promising. However, it makes it hard to eat and I get annoyed when someone is making pasta and I have to be like, "Oh, I can't eat that." I become annoyed with myself, for being privileged enough to make dietary choices. I'm sure many people with gluten intolerance/sensitivities do not have the choice to buy the more expensive gluten free varieties of foods.

But, at the same time, just because I am privileged to make these choices should I not make them so as to stand in some sort of solidarity with those less-privileged by not consuming them? I am going to say no because I won't be standing at all if I continue to eat the way I had for years without putting any thought into it and if I continue to consume products full of gluten. But it is hard and I am often conflicted by my desire to want to hold myself accountable to my privileges and needing to take care of my body which according to Ayurvedic thought and medicine is all about the foods we consume and at what times during the day/month/season we consume them.

I will say I am lucky to be discovering this in Colorado because there are so many places that cater to those needing gluten free foods. For instance last night at Watercourse, the hipstery Uptown restaurant in Denver, I was able to eat a gluten free vegetarian meal and finish it with amazing gluten free chocolate cake and vegan ice cream. Quite the indulgence, but, when it's available I feel like I need to seize the moment and eat. I am not vegetarian and definitely not vegan, but this place and its sister restaurant, City O City do at least offer gluten free options. So, it isn't as challenging as it could be. My new lady is also very supportive of this huge switch in my dietary consumption. She often checks things more thoroughly then I even do when at the grocery and is willing to get the gluten free pizza because they only make it in the large size. So I am lucky for that too and to have a supportive best friend who said he would eat that way around me too, in an act of solidarity, in great hopes that this proves to be a gluten allergy and not MS. Everyone seems really supportive of that idea at the very least.

I put your picture away...

I moved my things out today. Well, I should say the new lady and I moved my things out of my old house today. And all that runs through my head is that horrid Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow Song, Picture. I won't even post lyrics or a vid because I feel like that would be dumb. We all know how it goes, or if by chance you do not, you are one of the lucky few. It was sad to move my things out but a bit cathartic as well. As in, I am excited that soon I can finally be fully liberated from my past relationship and from a place that I loved, but think I have somewhat outgrew (I spiraled out as they say,and I am happy to report that I am so glad I did!)

This weekend before the start of spring quarter, I am going to a step into spring yoga workshop/series with my favorite yoga teacher. Yoga has been really great for me, as there are things I need to let go of for sure.

As I told the new lady today, "I need to stop thinking people will put the same amount of care into relationships, because they rarely do and then I am let down." I am the kind of person who does try extremely hard to make things work, even when they shouldn't work. So I have high expectations, and people tell me that my expectations are what aid in my disappointment. Well, I find this to an outdated and incorrect adage. While, it's true that without expectations, I may not be disappointed, it is also true that without expectations , I wouldn't be amazed and appreciative of the fact that those expectations are malleable and thus transcendable (is this a word? Probably not?) So that when someone shows up at my door with an orchid (because the grocery didn't have maple blueberry sausage patties) I can be amazed that someone has actually been able to exceed those expectations and thus open up my expectations altogether.

I do not think expectations separate me from the present, but actually draw me closer to it. Basically, I think expectations are ok as is planning for the future as long as we also take time to be in the present. This is why I love nidra so much. It is not the meditation that tells you to completely clear you head, instead it asks us to focus our brains in specific ways. This is good for me as I do not think clearing my head is a very realistic option for me.

What I will say, is that I am in recovery. More than in recovery even. A place of joy, because I can look to the future and think about the potential for my life to be this amazing and beautiful thing. I can be in a relationship with a person who knows they want to be with me, who wants to share a home with me, wants to have a family with me (eventually, not tomorrow or anything) and this gives me some real contentment. Contentment through expectations. The yogis might not think it's accurate but the 27 year-old trying to figure out her life thinks it sounds just grand.

Nidra

Ack! Where to begin.

Some of my health issues have started to come back-not in an incredibly serious way yet, but in ways that have caused me to stop and contemplate the world around me. I have been thinking about the amounts of trauma I have endured in the last two-ish years of my life, including my great-grandmother passing away, my hysterectomy (and three other surgeries prior to it), my step-father dying pretty unexpectedly, having the most significant relationship in my life come to a jolting halt, not to mention graduate school drama and stress. I have been through a lot. My body has been through a lot.

I went to DU Health Circus because my body has just not been quite right for awhile now, I have shifty mood swings, I have lost close to 40 pounds since last May, and I have this weird itchy crawly feeling on my skin 85% of the time. I saw a Dr. (a reproductive endocrinologist) because of my rapid weight loss (something generally not to be worried about, but in my case I have to worry, because it could mean an issue with my hormones, and thus, bone loss). I have to monitor these things. Strangely enough the Doc told me I looked good and that the weight loss was nothing to be concerned about, unless it keeps going down. He actually listened to me, a straight, white, man doctor made me feel more listened too than my female gyno EVER has. Crazy how that works. He told me a lot of my issues probably have to do with the stress of my life and some of the major changes that have occurred in it. I do have to see the nutritionist to make sure everything is "normal." She will probably inform me that Yogurtland is not an acceptable dinner choice...fair enough...I'll listen. And I have like three hormone level tests being checked too, to make sure I am ok on that front. I do not want to regain the weight I have lost, I feel better now than I have in years; but I don't want to be unhealthy either. I am trying to get my body into a place of health again, but the body is always connected to the mind and emotional stress. So I have been searching out ways to reconcile my mind with my body, with the trauma and loss, and other emotions I have been experiencing very rapidly.

So I went to church in December. Yes, like real church, in the Highlands of Denver, listened to Christians be Christian (in a welcoming, warm, and inviting way.) I wanted to go to another church in the city (I still have plans to do this) because it is an ELCA, RIC church, which connects me to my past and my roots in a way I am kind of ready to re-explore. I do not identify with organized religion very much, but I feel that I am ready to be sort of open to this. Partly because, I feel that I cannot get through the shit of my life without connecting it to a spiritual practice of some sort. It feels like it is missing from my life and now that I live in a city with many options, I am attempting, to flesh this out a bit. I'm not saying I am jumping on the Christian bandwagon, far from it, but I am trying to be open to experiencing a presence of religiosity/spirituality in my life again.

On top of this, I have started going to yoga at this beautiful studio in Glendale, called Harmony Yoga. I chose to go there instead of say, Core Power, because of the element of spirituality that occurs in the classes they offer. I have been accused of not being respectful of religious practices associated with "New-Age" spirituality. And what I have found is that is an unfounded and completely false accusation. Like wanting to go to church, I also want to go to yoga to experience a spiritual presence. Of course yoga is good "exercise" but for me, I have never enjoyed yoga that was not rooted in the spiritual, and yes, metaphysical roots. While I do not believe in bodily transcendence, I do believe that we experience emotions at a cognitive level and affects at a subconscious level and that we can become more in tune with both of those elements through practices of moving energies, being still, and releasing the body. Being in a place that asks me to simply be with my affects and emotions is a new experience for me and something I work on in therapy all the time. Be with your emotions without judgement. Learn how to deal with traumatic situations without judgement.

So I get that this is problematic, as a critical scholar, I feel we should never sit idly by, especially when injustice is happening around us. At the same time, I am beginning to feel that without letting emotions happen, without experiencing them, we cut ourselves off to what we as individuals need in order to more effectively/affectively form relational bonds with others and work for social change. Maybe sitting in a place of Nidra is where affective potentialities lie. And what is strange is that in this space of the yoga studio, with a teacher who reminds me of an old friend, I sit in a place where I let my trauma reside in me for a moment and then I open my heart chakra, and I let it go. I let the ugliness of my past traumas, death, health issues, depression, anxiety go out through my heart chakra and honestly I feel it opening in ways I never knew were possible. And this is helping to make me re-open myself to the possibility of forming intimate and loving bonds with others again.

In this space of Nidra, I focus on the color orange, which is so strange to me, because it is not a color I associate with myself (although I believe it is the color most associated with self-love), and I can imagine loving and being in love with someone again, being open to that possibility more than ever before. While being cautious, I realize I cannot give up on myself or in humanity, because in doing that I give up on the possibility that anything could ever change for the better. And I am just not willing to let my past ruin my present or future like that.

Relationship comparisons and affect

So I have been thinking a lot about relationships, mostly because I am trying to reconcile the death of some relationships with the birth of new ones. And recently, I had a friend who told me, "You are not ready to be in a relationship until you stop comparing the new potential intimate partner with the old." So I have been thinking about this statement because I wonder if it is ever possible to not compare old relationships to new ones? This stems from what I am currently studying and trying to make sense of which is queer theory, performance, and theories of affect. Very simply, I think of affect as the pre-sensing space of feeling or emotion, more specifically I conceive of it as Erin Manning does, as the relational space of moving sensation that occurs in the interval spaces between people, or as Sara Ahmed conceives of as surfaces rubbing together and the affects that arise from the rub of these surfaces. Similar definitions, although conceptualized differently.

I keep telling myself that without the past we cannot be in the present we are in. And how can we think of current relationships without thinking of how they not necessarily compare, but relate to our past relationships? While I am thinking specifically of intimate partners, whether monogamously or polyamorously (is that a word?), I think it can apply to friendships, parental/familial relationships as well. I guess, to me in terms of affect, or affective spaces, how can we help but think of relationships in terms of how they felt/and how they feel now? We are social beings who can only make sense of life through our relationships, unless you are what's his name from "Into the Wild," who still related to world relationally (not necessarily to humans) but to animals/nature etc, so how can we not compare. In comparing this doesn't necessarily mean thinking about the relationships hierarchically, but just relationally.

For example, when thinking about how someone broke your heart, it becomes very easy to romanticize new relationships that try to heal you from that space, restore faith in relationships, and humanity altogether. But as I was reminded, and am trying to negotiate, it cannot be the only reason for getting involved in new relationships, which I agree with very much. New relationships cannot be built on the foundation that they are different, better etc than a previous relationship. They are kind of being set up to fail if based off of that only. But, I do think we are always comparing, even as we try not to, and I guess, I also don't think this is bad. As my therapist tells me, "As we go through the process of a relationship ending, if we at least recognize what we do not want out of a new relationship, it makes the previous relationship worth it." And in this sense, I do think my previous relationships have all been worth it. Without them I wouldn't be in the place I am now, wanting to experience the sort of all-encompassing love I do. If we are processing the ending of a relationship (and I am) we begin to realize what we want, based off of what we know we do not want. This is usually understood in terms of the past and the past relationships we have had. I kind of want a fairytale, not in a stupid way, but I want to be silly in love, with someone who know they want to be with me no matter what. I do not want second-guessing and I want someone willing to do the difficult emotional labor of building a sustainable relationship with me. This is romanticized, I get that, but it is what I want.

I know this definitely seems like a sort of random post, but, it is what I am thinking about because of these very recent conversations which are definitely making me think a lot about the current/future relationships I form and how they will be influenced by the past. Just some thoughts.

So I am posting this video from Sex and the City, because it is the kind of love that I want and I am not willing to settle for anything less.

Those Old Songs

I am trying to learn to love those songs when you aren't singing them to me.

"Peaches in the summer
Apples in the fall
If I can't have you all the time
I won't have none at all"*

I can't listen.
Was going to put it on a cd
for someone else
Threw the whole thing off,
so I didn't.

And I am trying to decide if taking other people on our date is ethical.
Snow falling.
Short drive over mountain road.
Pancakes and Bacon
Coffee
Keep it coming
Stopping for water.
Fill tin bottles.

Have you already taken her there?

I am trying to figure out how to listen to those old songs?
The ones we danced to in our living room.
Old 45's scratching through.

I am trying to understand how I could ever go back there?
It's your place too.
"I know this bar..."**
But it isn't.
I first heard that song with you.

I am trying to decide where it went so wrong?
You couldn't function,
making it so I can't function now.
You said maybe it would be you someday.
Our paths separated.
I never noticed.

Wound so soon with someone new.
Wounded so soon with someone new.

*The lovely words of Gillian Welch
**Ani DiFranco

This is for YOU

picture this...imagine you are me. It is a Friday afternoon, you have been working with screaming children all day. It is finally nap time and everyone (well almost everyone) is sleeping. The children are tucked in on their mats and in their cribs. Their blankets cover their little faces as they snore, an occasional cough, but mostly just a rhythmic breathing sound. You have just gotten the internet at said workplace. You decide to catch up on (not with mind you) some of your friends. You turn to their blog and begin to read. You are signed in on-line but none of your friends are talking to you-in fact it seems as if they are actually avoiding you. Your mother seems to be acting strangely the same. it is as if everyone is avoiding meeting your gaze, looking in your eyes, answering your chats. You start to go through the profiles of the people who write-you generally like and respect all of the people who post. You think they are interesting-with good things to say. Something randomly catches your eye and you click on it. Immediately you are infiltrated with images, words, texts that rack your brain. Confuse you. Hurt you deeply. Imagine that. Imagine your anger, your hurt, your frustration. Imagine it is you who has just been infiltrated-that in fact everyone has known something you have not including your own mother an no one has told you. Maybe they don't think it is their business to share, maybe they don't want to hurt you, or maybe it doesn't cross their mind, or maybe it is a variety of other things that I cannot even fathom right now.

For those of you "mutual friends" I do not blame you for passing along information-but I want you to think very long and hard about your own stake in my life and the lives of others. i want you to consider my place in having felt duped by EVERYONE. Would you not hurt? Would you not cry? Would you not question the very fiber supposedly holding your being together.Would you not write? That is unfortunately what I do. I accept responsibility for the fact that a specific previous post may have seemed slandarous and inconsiderate-but I also stand by what I wrote. Which is, that it was written in a heat of rage. Hands shaking, tears falling. This is my space-to write and process. Should I possibly not have published said post-perhaps-but I stick by the fact that those were my emotions and feelings and that time. I removed them later as I felt they revealed more my lack of self control and anger than anything else. I ask that you think of multiple factors when deciding who to blame, who to degrade, and who's information to pass along and why. In turn I promise I will be more ethical in my decisions of what to post-when and why. I realize that this is a public space and in it I am a public figure. I also think this is one space that directly speaks to both the personal and the political and as a scholar and human everything is up for interpretation and that includes my blog, your website, my body, and my heart.

After processing that day I later wrote this post and I am posting it here as a clarification. You may think whatever you may, you may be flabbergasted that I am being so honest and direct in this post-you may not care one way or the other-you may be hurt that I am indeed speaking directly to you, but I am displaying it here as my attempt to show the difference in tone and emotion that went through my body that day and if nothing else I continue to use this space to explore pedagogical moments and mostly what not to do in one's personally public space. I use it to be reflexive and to hold myself accountable for my actions.

--
not like anyone really reads it anyway...

I should iterate that the last post was in response to some illicit tactlessness I just discovered. but I choose not to linger and dwell on things that don't matter and instead write and perform things that do. I am also not going to erase the post because that would erase the validity of the feelings that created it and those feeling are more than justified and valid.

I start with my initial point-it is easy to move on in long distance relationships (at least for me and the select few I have spoken too about it) because the relationship is often warped into something illogical and insane-it has to in order to survive. Instead of spending time with the person of desire you spend time on some mediated device (phone, internet, etc) having conversations that tend to not matter because in the end you both have to continue living your completely separately contstructed lives anyway. When you end those relationships its kind of like "I have had this life the whole time I- have been doing it (living said life)"-you just have more free time to say blog, or write, or whatever because you don't have to invest the time you once did maintaining a warped version of reality through a telephone." It's like oh I don't have spend countless hours with something held up to my ear or my fingers tapping away on keys. It is a relief when that is over, it is a burden rescinded, it is a weight lifted off my shoulders. Not the relationship itself-but the medium through which it was performed.

So my relationship existed it just sucked-I shouldn't have said it didn't exist that totally demeans it which I don't want to do, but I do want to be honest about it and about myself-reflexively. Not that the actual "it" sucked, I mean it kind of sucked, but the way it was maintained and negotiated on a daily basis without daily being in each other's physically embodied lives-that sucked. As someone discovering performance and embodying others and self as other it just makes little sense to me to have a relationship with a phone-a morphed version of the physicality of the body. Where is the interaction, the dialogue, the co-presence of bodies co-mingling in a space, where is the beauty in that. Oh right there isn't a whole lot. Yes this is bitter, yes I am sure this is not everyone's experience, all I know is that it is mine. and feel free to tell me I am way off, that I am wrong, that I am evil. I believe my experience is up for all the criticism it can handle-but be careful with the fact that I do have a heart and it does beat and get sad and hurt sometimes.

When the conversation came up last night (specifically that it is real easy to move on when the relationship was long distance-something somebody else brought up-) I was sitting with two lovely friends listening to some tunes and having some beverages. It did cause me to think reflexively about my own break-up space and not that it is the first time-but it put it into an interesting context for me. A context that is ever so true and present in my life.

I often think to myself-Did I move on too soon. Yes probably-do you hear that world? Was my break-up clean and lovely-no. Are they ever? Am I responsible-of course? Do I realize that I am stepping out on a limb being with someone else-even in a "dating" relationship-yes? Do I see the danger to myself and others that I have the potential of creating-yes I see that too. Do I think it is ok to be dangerous, and spontaneous, and to do what I want to do because it feels right and makes me happy? Yes I think that as a physically embodied space right now it is a really really good place to be. Negotiating a relationship on a daily basis is something new to me and something I haven't experienced for almost two years, so does it feel completely different-yes it really does. So for all you naysayers and skeptics I offer this, when a relationship has been morphed (my own doing nonetheless) into something way beyond whatever I thought it could be it is somewhat of a relief to have it be over. From what I have seen and witnessed this seems to ring true for many people involved in long distance relationships.

I do not want to demean or degrade the relationship. But I want to be honest about it and my feelings about it, which I was not in my earlier post. it was unfair and although I am pretty sure no one reads it was posted in hurt and immense anger and pain and those things happen to all of us. Allow me my human-ness and I will allow you yours. we all make mistakes.
--

Fergie...what

So I have liked the songs Big Girls Don't Cry for awhile now. For as heterosexual, as normative, and as possibly and probably exploitative of women as this song is-I am so glad to finally hear a song about a woman who takes control of her life. It's a personal choice to take a risk and try new things and I hate that almost all break-up songs are so sad and from the perspective of the broken up with. It isn't super fun being the breaker either people. And we rarely celebrate women taking control of their own destinies and doing what is best for them and not their family, husband, children, job etc...Of course this contradicts with an earlier post about duty being an admirable trait-but in this case Fergie-I salute you-you made the best coice you could given the situation you were in (Candies underpants and all!) Of course it kind of sucks that it is Fergie who brings us this inner monologue of a chick going through a break-up because she wants to do what is best for herself. And she's going to miss her partner but she needs to do some personal growth too...I like to imagine that someone like Sarah McLachlan is doing this song so that I could actually admit to liking it and not be like a total post-feminist a-hole! Or maybe a nice mountain songstress will do a rendition similar to say "Umbrella..."

So here goes...I like Fergie, I like this song, I am not afraid anymore...

oh and the guy from heroes is in the video and HELLO...he can fly (not in the video but on Heroes...) and I think the song is also kind of about masturbation...which I am all about!!

the video--

--
the lyrics
La Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:] [I like to scream this part]-emphasis mine...
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

La Da Da Da Da Da
--

don't make fun of me...too bad

I go Madly for Tristan Prettyman

I love Tristan Prettyman. From the first time I saw her open for Blues Traveler and then again for Jason Mraz at Luther College I have severely loved her. I say severely because she is one of those artists that has the ability to reach any situation at any time or point in my life and she also has been an artist that has really helped me through some severe physical pain: read she has made migraine headaches go away. But I am in love with the first single Madly-off her new album Hello which hasn't been released yet. It's traditional Tristan -upbeat guitar playin, singin chica-but it also has the ability to really reach the soul and give me a song that provides space for conflicted feelings. It incites similar feelings as Joni Mitchell's All I Want. Read: You hurt me but I still potentially love you. Maybe I am truly just the most bittersweet person of life-but the songs, movies, and T.V. that touches the pain and joy of life are the ones that really speak to me. At least this one speaks pretty easily in a fun ad somewhat optimistic way.
--
lyrics

Madly - Tristan Prettyman

I'm not surprised that you still call
I'm not surprised
I'm all surprised that i don't answer
pick up the phone to call you back
pick up the phone to call you back
ain't it funny how things work out like that

'cause the time that it takes to open my eyes
is the time that it took me to realize

madly madly madly
tell me that you need me
show me I'm the only and thats all i need to know.

madly madly madly
if you really love me,
when you see me leave and baby, just let me go

well i've been good, no i've been great
you say you're in a better place
and honestly, i might be for ya

but there's a tone in my voice that gives away my selfish choice.
can my heart beat any faster?

'cause the time that it takes to pass me by
is the time that it took me to realize

madly madly madly
tell me that you need me
show me I'm the only and thats all i need to know

madly madly madly
if you really love me,
when you see me leave and baby, just let me go

we'll give it up, try to find
what was with us all the time
gotta lose some things, if you're ever gonna get on by
and who was wrong, who was right
always end up in a fight
i thought i'd crumble, but no I'm fine.

madly madly madly
if you really love me
when you see me leave and just let me go

madly madly madly
well tell me that you need me and show me I'm the only and that's all i need to
know know know know

madly madly madly
if you really love me
when you see me leave and baby just let it go-no

madly madly madly
tell me that you want me
when you see me leave and baby
just let me go
--
no videos of this song yet-bummer that woulda been really cool.

Brandi Carlile, Turpentine

Brandi Carlile, Turpentine

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in
Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up
[Turpentine Lyrics on
http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
--
http://crackle.com/c/Scrambler/The_Concretes_-_'Kids'/1813649/#ml=o%3D15%26fc%3D26%26fx%3D

After Jane []

After Jane, Joan Osborne (yep she's bi)
--

I can’t laugh
I can’t moan
I can’t leave myself alone
After Jane
After Jane

I was hers
She was mine
We were together all the time
Oh, my Jane
Oh, my Jane

Maybe it’s the right thing, and maybe it’s wrong
You know I lay awake and wonder all night long
Maybe it’s over and maybe we’re free
You know this lonely feelin’ is drownin’ me

Will I rise up again?
Will I ever know a friend, like my Jane?
Oh, my Jane

Maybe it’s the right thing and maybe it’s wrong
You know I lay awake and wonder all night long
Maybe it’s over and maybe it’s not
You know this lonely feelin’ is all I got

Will I rise up again?
Will I ever know a friend, like my Jane?
Oh, my Jane

After Jane
After Jane
Oh, my Jane
Oh, my Jane
After Jane

Are You Alright, Lucinda Williams-West

Good stuff here...

--
Are you alright?
All the sudden you went away.
Are you alright?
I hope you come back around someday.
Are you alright?
I haven't seen you in a real long time.
Are you alright?
Could you give me some kind of sign.
Are you alright?
I looked around me and you were gone.
Are you alright?
I feel like there must be something wrong.
Are you alright?
'Cause it seems like you disappeared.
Are you alright?
'Cause I been feeling a little scared.
Are you alright?

Chorus:
Are you sleeping through the night?
Do you have someone to hold you tight?
Do you have someone to hang out with?
Do you have someone to hug and kiss you,
Hug and kiss you,Hug and kiss you?
Are you alright?

Are you alright?
Is there something been bothering you?
Are you alright?
I wish you'd give me a little clue.
Are you alright?
Is there something you wanna say?
Are you alright?
Just tell me that you're okay.
Are you alright?
'Cause you took off without a word.
Are you alright?
You flew away like a little bird.
Are you alright?
Is there anything I can do?
Are you alright?
'Cause I need to hear from you.
Are you alright?

Chorus

Are you alright?
Are you alright?
Hey...

What should we give up for someone else...or for love

"Because it is Christmas and at Christmas you tell the truth..." Love Actually, my all time favorite Christmas movie along with the Family Stone...

So I am watching Love Actually and as most of my thoughts usually stem from some piece of media these thoughts stem from this one. My Christmas champagne is bubbling over in the glass and the movie has just began, the opening lines coming from Hugh Grant, "Love actually is all around..." cut to music.

Why this movie...because it is bittersweet. It is real. Maybe not realistic but the emotions it inspires and elicits are both joyous and yet melancholy at the same time, making it real. It seems to bring up the images of lone trees that my mother collects which are hopeful for their survival and yet lonely because they are well alone in the wilderness...and this is often how people feel on holidays. This is the most wonderful time of the year, but not for everyone. Not for the poor who have commercialism thrown down their throats, not those who have recently lost family/friends/pets and have a constant reminder that that entity will not be present for the festivities, nor those who have been through rough break-ups, divorces, periods of growth, transition, and change. For those people the holidays are bittersweet, we are supposed to be happy, but are we supposed to push away our normal everyday feelings in order to make merry during the holiday season? We can't and so we push forth into the holidays with glass of cheap bubbly in hand hoping to combat our angst, guilt, and fear by gorging ourselves on overcooked food, and burying ourselves in holiday cheer.

Back to the movie...why I love it so much. This movie is about people who some get what they want and some don't, but in the end things work out the way they are supposed to or at least for the best at the present time. And it speaks to me because some of them do not do what is best for themselves but what is best for the situation or because they feel immense duty before their own happiness.

The art gallery director who is love with Juliet (Keira Knightley) is able to tell her how he really feels but knows that he isn't going to hurt his best friend or break up their marriage (not yet anyway...). But he gives up his love for her for the best of the situation-he is willing to do that and it is admirable. He doesn't do what makes him happy, he does what appeases his emotions by telling her in the cutest way possible.

Second example Laura Linny's character who when given the chance to sleep with the hot guy in her office decides that she can't because she has to answer the phone from her brother and be there for him in the way he needs. It is sad to see the sacrifice happen-but I think that is a truth that happens. People give up their own desires for happiness in order to do what they see as obligation and duty and I also think that is admirable-sad yes-but admirable also...

So what should we give up or not for someone else or for love-even if that love is platonic or familial and should we give up our own happiness for the well-being of someone else. In certain situations I honestly think we should to an extent. In this society of "do what makes you happy," "do what's best for YOU" it is surprising to find the antithesis of this. And I think it is this melancholia that really describes what the holidays mean for some people...

2 ani songs for my mood

Ani Difranco - Napoleon Lyrics

they told you your music
could reach millions
that the choice was up to you
you told me they always
pay for lunch
and they believe in what i do
and i wonder
if you miss your old friends
once you've proven what you're worth
yeah i wonder
when you're a big star
will you miss the earth

and i know you would always want more
i know you would never be done
'cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon

and the next time
that i saw you
you were larger than life
you came and you conquered
you were doing alright
you had an army
of suits behind you
and all you had to be was willing
and i said i still
make a pretty good living
you must make a killing
a killing

and i hope that you are happy
i hope at least you are having fun
'cuz but everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon

now you think, so that is
the way it's gonna be
that's what this is all about
i think that that is
the way it always was
you chose not to notice until now
yeah now that there's a problem
you call me up to confide
and you go on for over an hour
'bout each one that took you for a ride

and i guess that you dialed my number
'cuz you thought for sure that i'd agree
i said baby, you know i still love you
but how dare you complain to me

everyone is a fucking napoleon
yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon
--
"Gratitude"

thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
thank you
for the beer and the food
thank you
for loaning me bus fare
thank you for showing me around
that was a very kind thing to do
thank you
for the use of the clean towel
thank you for half of your bed
we can sleep here like brother and sister,
you said

but you changed the rules
in an hour or two
and I don't know what you
and your sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude?

look at you
little white lying
for the purpose of justifying
what you're trying to do
I know that you feel my resistance
I know that you heard what I said
otherwise you wouldn't need the excuse

thank you
for letting me stay here
thank you for taking me in
I don't know where else
I would have turned
but I don't come and go
like a pop song
that you can play incessantly
and then foget when it's gone
you can't write me off
and you don't turn me on

so don't change the rules
in an hour or two
I don't know what you and your
sisters do
but please don't
please stop
this is not my obligation
what does my body have to do
with my gratitude?