femme-in-finity

I have been missing my high-femme self (reminiscing on my first performance piece, which I may repost sections of here.) I used to write with her a lot. Then we got some shitty reviews...and so I stopped writing with her. In doing that, I feel as though I have let them win, those people who think that femme gender and sexuality is not subversive, and that it is really just straightness in disguise. Well she is slowly starting to reawaken. Caveat, I am femme, but I am am also a badass and love not being only femme all of the time, but opening up what it means to be femme to include a multitude of performances of femininity. However, my high-femme self has been feeling neglected, so with a new dress, rocker heels, and lots of eyeliner, this femme is reclaiming herself.

It was my goal to have a little fierce, femme, reclamation this weekend. My lovely bald-headed femme-panion and I have been talking a lot about wanting to do queer femme things with other femmes and to celebrate that femme-ness more. So I celebrated by putting on my heels, doing the eyeliner, and teasing my hair. Yes, teasing my hair.

I went to a drag show Friday after celebrating another friend's recent coming out. I ended up being pulled up on stage to answer questions relating to queer culture (thanks to my lovely friends and their, "Pick Her!" gestures/remarks!) I got my question correct, so I won a pretty, pink, sparkly crown. So Gay!

After the show, we went to the gayest, cowboy bar in denver to dance. Not even thinking, I wore the crown into the bar. Busting my femme outfit and the crown I made my way toward the bar. While standing there, I realized a lot of folks staring me. Growing self-conscious, I took the crown off off and handed it to my femme-panion, saying, "I look like a bachelorette." I returned to my place in line and immediately a woman at the bar said, "Are you a fucking bachelorette?" I started laughing, and said, "NO, I won that crown at a drag show!" She and her friends sort of sighed, laughed and gave me high-fives, exclaiming, "Awesome!"

Epic Fail: I look straight again.

I realize that I might look straight, and might get attention from men sometimes. I am femme, which is a precarious place to be. It looks like I should want to meet a nice man and settle down, have a little family. Bleck.

But really, it is super frustrating. When I am out with my friends, it is not uncommon for everyone to get a separate check, and for them to put my and my best man-friend's bill together. It is also not uncommon for me to be at a gay bar and be asked, "Are you really gay? But, you're so pretty." I was unaware only unattractive people could be gay, and even worse, I feel that this assumption is even more pronounced for women. In essence, the assumption is, only unattractive women can/should be gay. But unattractive to whom? Attractiveness does not transcend identity and culture, mainly, I like me a more masculine LADY! Something so hot about that. But I don't want my sexuality to be questioned or for there to be any assumptions that I might go back to being straight some day, by straight folks or even the LGBTQIA's in the larger queer culture. I feel that I have met some of the most amazing straight men in the world and if I can't get it up for them, I don't think I am just gonna switch it up at any time. Plus, I am in a monogamous relationship, so even if I was attracted to men or a man, it wouldn't matter because I am happily in louvre! (This is not a dis on poly folks, in fact some of you are my closest friends, with my deepest respect, it's just not for me! Nor is this a dis to bi folks...basically it isn't a dis.) I love dirty queers of all types; in fact I love some straight people, and homonorms too. We all make choices!

While I do not think sexuality is determined or fixed, being a femme sometimes positions me to be more solidified in my sexual identity as a lesbian so that people do not try to minimize it or say that it could simply change! As if ANYTHING regarding sexuality is simple!

And these experiences are not just my own. Many of us fierce, fabulous femmes, experience invisibility, are questioned by the outside, and even from within our communities at times. I want to continue to reclaim femme identity, talk to other femmes, and discuss how femmes are perceived by other queer women in the community. I feel a dissertation coming on...

Bring on femme Brunch!

--
something I wrote awhile ago, it's old and outdated, but the feelings still linger:

I wake up in the morning and I put on my gender and sexuality identity. Everything I do in the morning while habitual is done with intent. The eyeliner I put on my top lid, lining it with careful precision, the grey ankle boots I place on my feet—they are intentional choices. This is my femme drag performance, a parody of heterosexist assumptions of femininity, camped up for the benefit of subverting the dominant naturalized connection between sex, gender, and desire. How am I going to put on my white, femme, lesbian self today?

I need my eyeliner and boots in this crazy world we live in because for a femme lesbian they are both my resistance and my protection. They are my defense against the world, against pain, against being told that because my body fits that it really doesn’t fare well with a queer agenda. They are my resistance and my empowerment. I live in a world where I need my eyeliner and my boots because they are my survival. You see they are my protectors against the heterosexist army, my armor against being called a dyke and queer (and not in that good way.) They are a contradiction, not perfect in their construction, but flawed and complex.
Like my boots, I am in a constant process of change, picking up flack for not quite fitting the mold boots are supposed to. They are my resistance because I believe that when I wear them I change notions of what lesbians are supposed to look like and the ways they are supposed to authentically perform their queer-ness. They are my resistance both to the outside world, which sees me as straight but also to my own community that deems me not queer enough to fit in with their gender and sexual politics. Not gay enough to be queer not straight enough to be heterosexual.
--

Why I hate STUPID white men

So although I am going through this nasty divorce (of sorts) process, my life still goes on. I mean it has to. In doing this I have been having some family drama since late last night and all day today. I won't get much into it except to say that in the end there were several e-mails exchanged between my uncle and me. Now, for anyone who knows anything about my family, I find them to be awesome and most accepting of me and the fact that I am a queer lesbian. While I am sure they take it in stride sometimes, I know that my mother and my brother love me very very much and are very cool about my life and the way I choose to go about living it. This is not to say being queer/lesbian is a choice, but I believe in a comprehensive view on the formation of sexuality (physiology, language, environment, performance) etc. This is not to air out my dirty family laundry, but I do think it is an important thing to write about, because it is about families, it is about communication, and the communication in itself could definitely be a place for further study in my life.

So the last e-mail I received from attempted to harangue me, saying that what I do in school isn't "real" because it isn't math or science. He also made sure to tell me that he doesn't hate me because I am a lesbian but because I am a mean person (which he also attributes to genetics-weird because we are related?) And then in the last paragraph proceeded to tell me that at least he has a son and that the dildos I use have no semen coming out of them, so I couldn't be a mother anyway. WTF?!? REALLY?!? GROSS! And last time I checked queers were still allowed in various ways to have children. Wow-low blows for sure.

This is why I hate STUPID white men. Now to clarify, not all white men are stupid, far from it. In fact my best friend and my roommate are both straight white men and I love them both very much. What I dislike are white men who try to define my life for me and tell me what I am and what I am not. I am also not a big fan of white men who refuse to acknowledge their power and privilege in this world (of course I am annoyed by anyone who cannot do this!) I am also super annoyed that my school, my job, my life were dismissed so incredibly hard. I mean really, really, math and science are the only real things? I would like to suggest that without communication we couldn't teach those things-in fact we could teach nothing-so really I am pretty sure communication research and study is important.

I proceeded to e-mail this letter which I will include here and then blocked all of his incoming e-mails. I apologize for the profanity and warn now that if it offends you-DO NOT READ IT!

My name is Kathryn-not Kathy-but you wouldn't know that about me,
because you know absolutely nothing about me.

You are a despicable, ignorant asshole. I don't hate all white men,
what I hate are STUPID white men who use things like sexual orientation
as fodder to hit a person below the belt (YOU!) I am in fact a very
nice person, except when assholes like you decide to engage in this
behavior simply out of sport and ignorance. In which case no I am not
the subservient little woman you appreciate. I speak my mind loudly,
and don't abide by the female codes of civility expected by you or
society. If that makes me mean, then I'm glad. I am not angry, nor
spiteful, unless it comes to people like you who refuse to acknowledge
their power and privilege in this world because they are simply too
ignorant to recognize it.

As for what I am getting a degree in, you have no idea what I am doing
or what I value-again in your ignorance you assume you can speak for
and at me, which is exactly why I do the work I do. To keep ignorant
douchebags like yourself from gaining any more power than you already
do. I'm also pretty sure you maybe have a B.A. and did nothing with
it or with your life-you are a loser-plain and simple. So when it
comes to doing REAL things, I am pretty sure you don't do them either,
in fact you do nothing but drugs and being in pain and wanting to die.
Yeah, that's a very decent life and role model you are setting for
your son.

You may actually be the worst parent I have ever seen. Kicking your
child while on family vacation-wow it's a wonder why they let people
like yourself procreate-this is where forced sterilization might
actually come in handy. It's honestly a shame, because your son is
suffering at your own hands and you fail to recognize that. But
again, being anything other than a loser is not your strong point-you
always have been and as far as I am concerned you always will be.

My sexuality is not up for debate or your insults you fucking asshole.


Fuck you.

the end.

To not end in this extremely negative way, I feel like at least I am strong enough to write something like this. I am a passionate person and I love what I do and I am good at it. And I don't abide by the codes of white female civility that says I need to be quite, and subservient to a man, I don't think that makes me mean. It makes me a strong, independent, fierce, and fabulous feminist, of which, I am very proud. So take that douchey white men of the world and for all you white men out there who are doing good work around your identity, power and privilege, I salute you. You are allies not foe and I have so much respect for that!

the end.

Love Kathyn

Hey Flirt With This...I am a Certified Hard Core Bitch

Recently a friend put this song on a cd for me and I love it a little bit. While I don't necessarily agree with the implications of violence I do understand why attitudes like this are at some points necessary to deal with the crap of sexism, heterosexism, homophobia, and misogyny alive and well in our culture. She seems to think this song reminds her of me to which I reply, "feminist bitch-yep you better believe it" I seem to wear it well I think...

Flirting, Jess Klein

The boss didn't like me
Cause I refused to flirt
He paid me peanuts
And treated me like dirt
He said but we could work it out
So what do you say
I thought I bet at 5pm
This gets subtracted from my pay

But I said Hey hey
Flirt with this I am a certified hardcore bitch
And I do not want approval from you
But I'll let you live and thats the only favor I'm gonna do

I sing myself to sleep
I sing myself awake
It's a woodenbelly hustle
He says shake a baby shake
And I guess I shook it too hard in a public place
Cause he was breathing down my neck
With his arm around my waist
And his slimey intentions were ozzing from his face
He said whats a pretty girl like you doing without a man
I said why don't you ask my girlfriend
She'll help you understand

And I said Hey Hey
Flirt with this
I am a certified hardcore bitch
And I do not want attention from you
But I'll let you live and that's the only favor I'm gonna do

Serving food to a man with a top ten list on his chest
Top ten reasons why beer is better than women
What? God
Reason number one beer always tastes fresh
I spit in his salad so that it was better dressed
Reason number two beer labels don't put up a fight
I looked at the carving knife and thought I just might
So I rang up his order and what did I say
Thank you for raping me with your shirt
And have a nice day
He said relax girly don't you like to flirt
And I said no bagels and lox for you pal

Yeah I said Hey Hey
Flirt with this
I am a certified hardcore bitch
And I do not care for your point of view
But I'll let you live and you'll consider yourself lucky too

So sing it with me ladies
Theres no need to be afraid
A bad attitude can really brighten up your day
Some man tries to get you to hang your head in shame
Just give him the boot
Yeah reclaim the name that brought you to fame

And say Hey Hey
Flirt with this
I am a certified hardcore bitch
And I do not want any shit from you
But I'll let you live and that's the only favor I'm gonna do
--
video version

Life as Perfromance and Performance Art

So in light of all the performance reading I have been doing specifically about Conquergood I have asked my professor to let my blog be my "archive of feeling" for the class (read: journal). I may eventually do a spin-off blog directly about my performance class-but I can't decide if trying to compartmentalize is really a good idea or not. I mean in the performance of myself, my multiple, shifting and contesting identities as Conquergood suggests, are not stable or fixed, it would make sense that sometimes I would write about performance-while other times I would not. So even as I write myself and my body into my blog I find myself having trouble articulating who I am.

Part of this is about my love and desire for queering things, and when I use queer I do not use it as an umbrella term for "the gays" as it so often gets minimized to but as a more broad term for those who do things in non-normative ways who believe that their identities, sexual and otherwise have a level of contingency upon given social contexts, circumstances, surroundings, negotiations etc...(look at me trying to be all Foucauldian stringing my synonyms together.) I like to use queer as a verb not a noun. And in saying this I still must except my positionality as a white, middle class, femme bi-sexual lesbian, who enjoys school, blogging and cheesy television shows. But I like Linda Alcoff's suggestion, that identity not be an over-determination of the spaces we occupy in the world and the behaviors associated but that simply put our position affects how we see. It is not the be-all end-all (there's a platitude for ya) of understanding but it simply gives us different ways of looking and being in the world. But within this we all have agency to a certain extent to enact social justice through whatever means we can. I mean it isn't as though our positionality is essential or innate or something ridiculous like that. It changes, fluctuates, depending on my social context and sometimes my mood.

But this doesn't help with the writing of my blog, or the understanding of how to do my performance. I mean my fingers can move the keys and I can write about things I seem to know about and truly want to understand, but I still do not know who I am. I can pick at my face to the point of bleeding hoping to reach an answer-I don't and all I have is blood and puss. This is gross-but this is the truth. This is my body.

I know my positionality, I know that my positionality changes. I see it change. When I am with the women I date who happen to be more masculine in appearance and stature I immediately notice the looks and stares we both get. My body juxtaposed against theirs says it pretty clearly. Because bodies are political and as spoken word artist Alix Olson says, "At least lesbian bodies are political." Because when my body and her body are together occupying a shared space (like a dinner table in a restaurant full of heterosexual couples the stares "their" bodies give mine and hers say, "What are you?" "Why is she with that?". "She could get a man, she's pretty enough." "She looks normal, how is it that she can like women...and that kind of woman?" "I mean it's cool if she wanted to make out with a hot chick I wouldn't have a problem with it, I'd watch, maybe they'd let me join in on the fun." When I am with a more masculine woman of color the stares become even more intense. "Why would she do that doesn't she have it hard enough as it is [in reference to being a person of color and dressing like a boy]?"

When I am in this situation my perceived heterosexuality is challenged and that is when I become gay. Before this I was a heterosexual woman as conceived by our heterosexist society. It isn't just with lovers/partners it happened with my best friend too. When I walked with her in our small college town in Iowa completely platonically I became a lesbian because that is how she was perceived. "Dykes!" they would yell as they drove by us, those high school boys in their white suv. That's what I mean by contingent-when I walk with my more feminine looking friends I don't get the same yells or stares. "They're all straight," because that's the problem with linking up gender performance and sexual identity in a "heterosexual matrix" if they don't look like women trying to be men than they must be straight women desiring men. If they only knew...

And I say I am queer, but I question that too. I mean I shop at J-Crew, I wear make-up (eyeliner is my favorite), I carry a purse, and when I walk down a street nobody would ever have to know. I could pass for straight. But I don't want to. I am pretty open with anyone you ask, "Yes, I am indeed open to loving anyone, it just so happens that most of the people I love happen to have vaginas (it is not however, a requirement.)" That too goes for friends and lovers.

I like women who look different than me. Am I homophobic? I can't imagine I am-but is my desire for difference somehow interlaced with notions about heterosexism and heterosexuality. My friend who is more masculine once suggested this about herself in reference to dating another more masculine and possibly ftm trans person. These thoughts all infiltrate my space. Maybe that's why I am queer-because the women I date and befriend are not male or female, man or woman, they occupy a space somewhere in between and yet completely different and outside at the same time.

I recognize what this means for me, I will be seen as the straight one. I am not really a lesbian-I am a bisexual, a confused silly school girl going through a phase. But I am queer-I too see my masculine and feminine traits and those that defy both of those to create something entirely new and fantastic. I am as much queer as those women in suits, or track jackets with popped collars and sideways trucker hats, even if my appearance might not suggest it. Another friend of mine once wrote about gender in her blog as being so much more than appearance but about gender play. About the way we negotiate and perform gender in social spaces WITH OTHER PEOPLE!! It is not just the way we look, I know that, than why does it matter so much to me? I am not really a lesbian, I don't look the way lesbians look. I must be a bi-sexual, an unspeakable, "she'll end up with a man one day..." I don't like femme lesbian or bi-sexual as labels, but as an identity expression I create as a daily negotiation-yeah I can live with that. I can occupy the shit out of that space-just watch me!

And how can I write this? How does one articulate that I am a daily negotiation always contingent upon my circumstance, my surrounding, my situation. I am a fractured whole-I do not actually believe I was ever whole to begin with, but instead I am actively creating different pieces of myself everyday that will probably never complete me-I don't want to be completed, I want to be challenged and complemented. And how do I write this. How do I write fluidity into such a static medium. The way I just did? Is that good enough-explain where I am coming from and the rest will tell itself in a way? How do I write my change in a way that is compelling, truthful and honest. How do I write myself into my text, when I do not know who or what I am? I may have a sense of self but this sense of self is completely unstable and at times completely lashes out at me! How do I write this? How do I perform this... Maybe I just did...

finally...they made a movie about me

Yesterday I received the movie Puccini for Beginners from Netflix. I had been avoiding this movie like the plague because it seemed like it was going to be something ridiculous-all about music I could care less about, with a straight couple falling in love and doing it to opera in the end (BORING!). Then I opened the description and it is actually about a commitment-phobic lesbian who goes through a break-up ends up falling for a guy one night and girl the next and trying to deal with the chaos this can bring up in ones life. Of course the girl and the guy she falls for end up being ex-lovers and it brings to the forefront how small of a place Manhattan really is.

This movie is delightfully funny and brings poignant issues to the forefront of the world, such as what is man, woman, masculinity, femininity, can you be a lesbian and date a man, does the label lesbian (or any other) even matter when it comes to love? And what about marriage and the, "Are we going anywhere" factor-and I don' mean where do you want to eat dinner-although I often find that question complicated enough as it is. And at one point she delivers an amazing speech about marriage being just a patriarchal assumption of the straight people and that of course gay people want to get married because they can't (and although I do not believe in anyone's concept of marriage) I think that she has a point. If someone was telling you you couldn't do something based on who you are (or who you choose to spend time with) you might be more inclined to fight to want to do it too. And that in some way this process of fighting for it is in some way transformative. Don't know if I buy it-but I see her point.

Plus I think I am Alegra-we dress alike, think a like, speak sort of similarly, are self-obsessed and think quite highly of ourselves. And like Bette from the L Word I tend to think my things are more important than anyone else's-I know right-just the kind of thing you want people reading about you to know. But i'm working on it-it's a process and we can only become better right...well lets hope!

enjoy the trailer-fun times!

--

blog description...

This is the description of my blog...

This is my blog about me A white, middle class (by default), queer bisexual lesbian, in graduate school, assistant director of a small preschool who lives with her mother, stepfather, adopted sister, great grandmother, and occasional niece and nephew in a quiet little mountain town. This is what comedy is made of people...

Just to clarify...

"The Lesbian Phallacy" is a play on words of the Lesbian Phallus a work by Judith Butler which builds on the psychoanalytic theories on Sigmund Freud.

As Butler suggests, “If the phallus is an imaginary effect (which is reified as the privileged signifier of the symbolic order), then its structural place is no longer determined by the logical relation of mutual exclusion entailed by a heterosexist version of sexual difference in which men are said to ‘have’ and women to ‘be’ the phallus” (Bodies That Matter 88).

Although the phallus is an imaginary signifier of power there are material benefits to possessing one and thus, it is also privileged. The Lesbian Phallus refers to a redistribution and rearticulation of modes of power often denied to those people (women, the gays, people of color) in order to subvert the dominant white, heterosexist, capitalist, patriarchy.

So anyway my blogs tend to focus on modalities of power and the ways they play out in relationships of all sorts. I tend to make observations with analysis (not judgment) in order to describe "once ocurrant acts of being" that tend to reify or subvert dominant modes of power. The Lesbian Phallacy is my blog which, deals with my own subjective place in the understandings of power-and I just thought it was clever...