femme-in-finity

I have been missing my high-femme self (reminiscing on my first performance piece, which I may repost sections of here.) I used to write with her a lot. Then we got some shitty reviews...and so I stopped writing with her. In doing that, I feel as though I have let them win, those people who think that femme gender and sexuality is not subversive, and that it is really just straightness in disguise. Well she is slowly starting to reawaken. Caveat, I am femme, but I am am also a badass and love not being only femme all of the time, but opening up what it means to be femme to include a multitude of performances of femininity. However, my high-femme self has been feeling neglected, so with a new dress, rocker heels, and lots of eyeliner, this femme is reclaiming herself.

It was my goal to have a little fierce, femme, reclamation this weekend. My lovely bald-headed femme-panion and I have been talking a lot about wanting to do queer femme things with other femmes and to celebrate that femme-ness more. So I celebrated by putting on my heels, doing the eyeliner, and teasing my hair. Yes, teasing my hair.

I went to a drag show Friday after celebrating another friend's recent coming out. I ended up being pulled up on stage to answer questions relating to queer culture (thanks to my lovely friends and their, "Pick Her!" gestures/remarks!) I got my question correct, so I won a pretty, pink, sparkly crown. So Gay!

After the show, we went to the gayest, cowboy bar in denver to dance. Not even thinking, I wore the crown into the bar. Busting my femme outfit and the crown I made my way toward the bar. While standing there, I realized a lot of folks staring me. Growing self-conscious, I took the crown off off and handed it to my femme-panion, saying, "I look like a bachelorette." I returned to my place in line and immediately a woman at the bar said, "Are you a fucking bachelorette?" I started laughing, and said, "NO, I won that crown at a drag show!" She and her friends sort of sighed, laughed and gave me high-fives, exclaiming, "Awesome!"

Epic Fail: I look straight again.

I realize that I might look straight, and might get attention from men sometimes. I am femme, which is a precarious place to be. It looks like I should want to meet a nice man and settle down, have a little family. Bleck.

But really, it is super frustrating. When I am out with my friends, it is not uncommon for everyone to get a separate check, and for them to put my and my best man-friend's bill together. It is also not uncommon for me to be at a gay bar and be asked, "Are you really gay? But, you're so pretty." I was unaware only unattractive people could be gay, and even worse, I feel that this assumption is even more pronounced for women. In essence, the assumption is, only unattractive women can/should be gay. But unattractive to whom? Attractiveness does not transcend identity and culture, mainly, I like me a more masculine LADY! Something so hot about that. But I don't want my sexuality to be questioned or for there to be any assumptions that I might go back to being straight some day, by straight folks or even the LGBTQIA's in the larger queer culture. I feel that I have met some of the most amazing straight men in the world and if I can't get it up for them, I don't think I am just gonna switch it up at any time. Plus, I am in a monogamous relationship, so even if I was attracted to men or a man, it wouldn't matter because I am happily in louvre! (This is not a dis on poly folks, in fact some of you are my closest friends, with my deepest respect, it's just not for me! Nor is this a dis to bi folks...basically it isn't a dis.) I love dirty queers of all types; in fact I love some straight people, and homonorms too. We all make choices!

While I do not think sexuality is determined or fixed, being a femme sometimes positions me to be more solidified in my sexual identity as a lesbian so that people do not try to minimize it or say that it could simply change! As if ANYTHING regarding sexuality is simple!

And these experiences are not just my own. Many of us fierce, fabulous femmes, experience invisibility, are questioned by the outside, and even from within our communities at times. I want to continue to reclaim femme identity, talk to other femmes, and discuss how femmes are perceived by other queer women in the community. I feel a dissertation coming on...

Bring on femme Brunch!

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something I wrote awhile ago, it's old and outdated, but the feelings still linger:

I wake up in the morning and I put on my gender and sexuality identity. Everything I do in the morning while habitual is done with intent. The eyeliner I put on my top lid, lining it with careful precision, the grey ankle boots I place on my feet—they are intentional choices. This is my femme drag performance, a parody of heterosexist assumptions of femininity, camped up for the benefit of subverting the dominant naturalized connection between sex, gender, and desire. How am I going to put on my white, femme, lesbian self today?

I need my eyeliner and boots in this crazy world we live in because for a femme lesbian they are both my resistance and my protection. They are my defense against the world, against pain, against being told that because my body fits that it really doesn’t fare well with a queer agenda. They are my resistance and my empowerment. I live in a world where I need my eyeliner and my boots because they are my survival. You see they are my protectors against the heterosexist army, my armor against being called a dyke and queer (and not in that good way.) They are a contradiction, not perfect in their construction, but flawed and complex.
Like my boots, I am in a constant process of change, picking up flack for not quite fitting the mold boots are supposed to. They are my resistance because I believe that when I wear them I change notions of what lesbians are supposed to look like and the ways they are supposed to authentically perform their queer-ness. They are my resistance both to the outside world, which sees me as straight but also to my own community that deems me not queer enough to fit in with their gender and sexual politics. Not gay enough to be queer not straight enough to be heterosexual.
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