What the hell am I doing?

So I started this thing here: http://femmeinfinity.tumblr.com/

May migrate there eventually. The layout looks to be much more dynamic.

I have been prepping to take my comprehensive exams, which is a pretty hellacious process, when in PhD school. Of course, much of the reading and prep work was done during coursework, right? Right. Right? Well, the thing is, I have been at my University for FIVE years now, so things start to run together; while this is positive, it also means I just can't remember absolutely everything I need to know. I just can't. Perfection is unrealistic; and at this point I just want to pass. I will even revise if need be.

I have been prepping for this nasty one-month pits-o-hell to culminate, and the thing is, I keep having to do two things:

1.) Remember why I am doing this
2.) That I am excited to do my project, eventually.

I have had two nervous breakdowns, where I really thought I should quit graduate school, while I am ahead. I am not going to do this, but I think, as my lovely baldressed friend has said, "There are unreal expectations for people in academia," or something of that nature. And I have to remind myself, I will never have read everything. It just isn't possible. I also have to remind myself, to quit trying to out-queers A.) Other queers; and B.) Straight folks. It is too exhausting, and I am not that good at it. I realized the other night, while thinking about queer-femme identity, that I really shouldn't even be allowed to do the research based on my current appearance and attitude. Basically, I am exhausted...when people asked me what I was dressing up as for Halloween, I said, "I am putting on clothes that are not my pajamas." And I meant it. If I don't have to, I prefer to wear my sweatpants all day long. Not very femme of me. In fact, I put on bronzer today, and thought to myself, "Maybe this will make me look undead." Like I look dead, and thought makeup was somehow going to fix that.

But femme identity is so much more than visual presentation, or, "looking like what you are." But I feel like femme is rapped up in camp, in a performance of queering femininity. So what does it mean when I really can't imagine myself even leaving my apartment for a day (or three), let alone trying to femme it up when I leave! It's like, I just can't do it: putting on eyeliner seems like both a necessity; and an incredible burden; where if I don't wear it then another femme lesbian is going to notice and pull my funding...wait...I mean, take my femme card away.

But then, that is exactly what I want my project to focus on, that femme-ininity doesn't have to be a competitive thing, femme women shouldn't buy into the same ideologies that govern heterosexual female relations. It is more complex than this, I promise. But coming from a dead person, this is pretty good so far. Maybe my idea needs some bronzer too?