new song

I heard this song and I am really not fond of the new Brandi Carlile album-yet. But for some reason this song really spoke to me, especially in regards to my weekend in Chicago at the NCA convention. That was a really hard weekend. I think as I wrote to someone (a great friend) recently, sometimes it is important to apologize even if you unintentionally hurt someone, because you hurt them, the reason doesn't matter. And I have felt that I have been apologizing a lot lately, for various reasons. But I am done now-for awhile. One person can only apologize so many times before it makes them break. However, that weekend I felt like a really shitty person, a bad feminist, and a terrible scholar. But I am hearing this song and it is my song for that weekend. Probably should have heard it before I broke.

Before it Breaks, Brandi Carlile

Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right. Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Learn to let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

--

video

blogging: or neglecting to blog

I realize I haven't written since Jim's death. At least not on this blog my performance blog

This quarter has been hard. Grief is hard. Especially ambiguous and ambivalent grief. My classes hard and painful. Maybe one day I will post some of my journal in my other blog.

Living in Denver has its ups and downs. I dearly miss my mountains and the peace and relief they give to me. But I like city life, things open past 8 p.m., drinks and dinner with friends, being able to actually get work done because I don't have to drive as much.

I love my job. I work with students in one-on-one consultations where I collaborate with students on how to make their writing improve. I have learned a lot of things myself about my own writing and how I need to improve on some of what I am and have been doing. I really love it, it is very satisfying.

I take my comp exams in about two weeks and I am scared. Scared shitless. I am not prepared, my readings (articles, books etc) are a mess. I have to move my things back to my house in EP for a month or so.

But I am also going to the Bay area. I love that place I have such happy memories although I have only been there one time. That is my treat to myself. My desire is to travel more even if it is just to visit friends in the U.S. I don't need to go anywhere big to feel as though I am at the very least not stagnant.

I have felt it very hard to write. My body feels to raw almost too painful. It will come back one day. One day soon.

I leave for Chicago on Thursday to present at the National Communication Association conference. Another thing I am super nervous about.

So there is a short but sweet update. Me in a nutshell.