Nidra

Ack! Where to begin.

Some of my health issues have started to come back-not in an incredibly serious way yet, but in ways that have caused me to stop and contemplate the world around me. I have been thinking about the amounts of trauma I have endured in the last two-ish years of my life, including my great-grandmother passing away, my hysterectomy (and three other surgeries prior to it), my step-father dying pretty unexpectedly, having the most significant relationship in my life come to a jolting halt, not to mention graduate school drama and stress. I have been through a lot. My body has been through a lot.

I went to DU Health Circus because my body has just not been quite right for awhile now, I have shifty mood swings, I have lost close to 40 pounds since last May, and I have this weird itchy crawly feeling on my skin 85% of the time. I saw a Dr. (a reproductive endocrinologist) because of my rapid weight loss (something generally not to be worried about, but in my case I have to worry, because it could mean an issue with my hormones, and thus, bone loss). I have to monitor these things. Strangely enough the Doc told me I looked good and that the weight loss was nothing to be concerned about, unless it keeps going down. He actually listened to me, a straight, white, man doctor made me feel more listened too than my female gyno EVER has. Crazy how that works. He told me a lot of my issues probably have to do with the stress of my life and some of the major changes that have occurred in it. I do have to see the nutritionist to make sure everything is "normal." She will probably inform me that Yogurtland is not an acceptable dinner choice...fair enough...I'll listen. And I have like three hormone level tests being checked too, to make sure I am ok on that front. I do not want to regain the weight I have lost, I feel better now than I have in years; but I don't want to be unhealthy either. I am trying to get my body into a place of health again, but the body is always connected to the mind and emotional stress. So I have been searching out ways to reconcile my mind with my body, with the trauma and loss, and other emotions I have been experiencing very rapidly.

So I went to church in December. Yes, like real church, in the Highlands of Denver, listened to Christians be Christian (in a welcoming, warm, and inviting way.) I wanted to go to another church in the city (I still have plans to do this) because it is an ELCA, RIC church, which connects me to my past and my roots in a way I am kind of ready to re-explore. I do not identify with organized religion very much, but I feel that I am ready to be sort of open to this. Partly because, I feel that I cannot get through the shit of my life without connecting it to a spiritual practice of some sort. It feels like it is missing from my life and now that I live in a city with many options, I am attempting, to flesh this out a bit. I'm not saying I am jumping on the Christian bandwagon, far from it, but I am trying to be open to experiencing a presence of religiosity/spirituality in my life again.

On top of this, I have started going to yoga at this beautiful studio in Glendale, called Harmony Yoga. I chose to go there instead of say, Core Power, because of the element of spirituality that occurs in the classes they offer. I have been accused of not being respectful of religious practices associated with "New-Age" spirituality. And what I have found is that is an unfounded and completely false accusation. Like wanting to go to church, I also want to go to yoga to experience a spiritual presence. Of course yoga is good "exercise" but for me, I have never enjoyed yoga that was not rooted in the spiritual, and yes, metaphysical roots. While I do not believe in bodily transcendence, I do believe that we experience emotions at a cognitive level and affects at a subconscious level and that we can become more in tune with both of those elements through practices of moving energies, being still, and releasing the body. Being in a place that asks me to simply be with my affects and emotions is a new experience for me and something I work on in therapy all the time. Be with your emotions without judgement. Learn how to deal with traumatic situations without judgement.

So I get that this is problematic, as a critical scholar, I feel we should never sit idly by, especially when injustice is happening around us. At the same time, I am beginning to feel that without letting emotions happen, without experiencing them, we cut ourselves off to what we as individuals need in order to more effectively/affectively form relational bonds with others and work for social change. Maybe sitting in a place of Nidra is where affective potentialities lie. And what is strange is that in this space of the yoga studio, with a teacher who reminds me of an old friend, I sit in a place where I let my trauma reside in me for a moment and then I open my heart chakra, and I let it go. I let the ugliness of my past traumas, death, health issues, depression, anxiety go out through my heart chakra and honestly I feel it opening in ways I never knew were possible. And this is helping to make me re-open myself to the possibility of forming intimate and loving bonds with others again.

In this space of Nidra, I focus on the color orange, which is so strange to me, because it is not a color I associate with myself (although I believe it is the color most associated with self-love), and I can imagine loving and being in love with someone again, being open to that possibility more than ever before. While being cautious, I realize I cannot give up on myself or in humanity, because in doing that I give up on the possibility that anything could ever change for the better. And I am just not willing to let my past ruin my present or future like that.

Reconnecting with Rain

So I have had an obsession with the Weepies for a few years, but I am rediscovering them, in a new more blissful state. This song has been playing on repeat for me today. My life is sort of defined by the music I am residing with in the moment. I have a life soundtrack; sometimes I stop in the middle of crucial moments to listen to a song, read a lyric, post a blog. So today my song is Jolene by the Weepies, although really the entire "Happiness" cd (or playlist as new, young whipper-snappers may call it) has been shuffling through my life recently.

What is funny, this song could be another sort of melancholy tune about a broken heart or lost relationship, but that is not how I am thinking about it at all. Instead, for me, right now, it is a tune more about longing to know what "the weather" is like where someone you miss and love is when they are not with you. So of course, rain has connotations of sadness, but I love rain. I always have. I always used to say Spring was my favorite season because of the rain (however, it doesn't really rain in Colorado in springtime, so I switched favorite season to Fall.) I am thinking of returning to a place where I love Spring again, where my heart is open to reconnecting with the presence of rain, with the promise of something new. Although, it is true that sometimes the sun is beautiful and bright there is something very peaceful about the quiet and steady presence of rain. So this is my dedication to a new sort of weather in my life.

Jolene, The Weepies

It always rained around you
We tried to go inside and it would rain there too
It came pouring through the roof when we traveled underground
Whiskey, water, and tears 'til I thought that we would drown, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?

We didn't hide from it at all
No we just let it fall
In the morning she was gone and everything was dry
The city streets were crowded and I felt like I would die, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?

Now there's sunshine and flowers everywhere
And I don't care

All of these clouds will disappear
Like we were never here
But I swear there was a time I thought that it would never stop
And now I only think about you if it's raining or it's not, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Is it still raining everywhere you are?
Jolene, Jolene

• Jolene by The Weepies

More The Weepies music on iLike

Relationship comparisons and affect

So I have been thinking a lot about relationships, mostly because I am trying to reconcile the death of some relationships with the birth of new ones. And recently, I had a friend who told me, "You are not ready to be in a relationship until you stop comparing the new potential intimate partner with the old." So I have been thinking about this statement because I wonder if it is ever possible to not compare old relationships to new ones? This stems from what I am currently studying and trying to make sense of which is queer theory, performance, and theories of affect. Very simply, I think of affect as the pre-sensing space of feeling or emotion, more specifically I conceive of it as Erin Manning does, as the relational space of moving sensation that occurs in the interval spaces between people, or as Sara Ahmed conceives of as surfaces rubbing together and the affects that arise from the rub of these surfaces. Similar definitions, although conceptualized differently.

I keep telling myself that without the past we cannot be in the present we are in. And how can we think of current relationships without thinking of how they not necessarily compare, but relate to our past relationships? While I am thinking specifically of intimate partners, whether monogamously or polyamorously (is that a word?), I think it can apply to friendships, parental/familial relationships as well. I guess, to me in terms of affect, or affective spaces, how can we help but think of relationships in terms of how they felt/and how they feel now? We are social beings who can only make sense of life through our relationships, unless you are what's his name from "Into the Wild," who still related to world relationally (not necessarily to humans) but to animals/nature etc, so how can we not compare. In comparing this doesn't necessarily mean thinking about the relationships hierarchically, but just relationally.

For example, when thinking about how someone broke your heart, it becomes very easy to romanticize new relationships that try to heal you from that space, restore faith in relationships, and humanity altogether. But as I was reminded, and am trying to negotiate, it cannot be the only reason for getting involved in new relationships, which I agree with very much. New relationships cannot be built on the foundation that they are different, better etc than a previous relationship. They are kind of being set up to fail if based off of that only. But, I do think we are always comparing, even as we try not to, and I guess, I also don't think this is bad. As my therapist tells me, "As we go through the process of a relationship ending, if we at least recognize what we do not want out of a new relationship, it makes the previous relationship worth it." And in this sense, I do think my previous relationships have all been worth it. Without them I wouldn't be in the place I am now, wanting to experience the sort of all-encompassing love I do. If we are processing the ending of a relationship (and I am) we begin to realize what we want, based off of what we know we do not want. This is usually understood in terms of the past and the past relationships we have had. I kind of want a fairytale, not in a stupid way, but I want to be silly in love, with someone who know they want to be with me no matter what. I do not want second-guessing and I want someone willing to do the difficult emotional labor of building a sustainable relationship with me. This is romanticized, I get that, but it is what I want.

I know this definitely seems like a sort of random post, but, it is what I am thinking about because of these very recent conversations which are definitely making me think a lot about the current/future relationships I form and how they will be influenced by the past. Just some thoughts.

So I am posting this video from Sex and the City, because it is the kind of love that I want and I am not willing to settle for anything less.

Ellis, Give Me Your Hand

I have this strange thing happening in my brain where I feel as though my life has movie clips (like snapshots of thoughts) and a full-on soundtrack to describe my space right now. This has always been my favorite Ellis song.

ELLIS, Give Me Your Hand

if she could describe how hard it is
how hard it is to survive
she needs something to lean on
how ‘bout you, how ‘bout you
she hesitates to ask, she leans on you
she doesn’t ask it’s easier
nothing is wrong, nothing will go wrong
everything’s fine
if you give me your hand
i’m on my way up if you give me some time
i think too much, i know you’ll understand
she sees her reflection
broken silence is blind
she can’t understand, her mind trapped in blue
you need something, you’re so good, you never ask
it’s easier
chorus
if we take chances to show how we feel
will we hurt each other beyond what can heal
and isn’t love the most important thing
i need you to know
the silence we hold close will tear us apart
we can open our selves, we can start understanding
i just ask you to listen
put your arms around me
let me cry like a child, don’t ask me to see
chorus

Listen here: Give Me Your Hand

Anyday, Ani DiFranco

This song has been calling to me for a few days now. I stopped listening to it awhile back, but it has remade it's way into my repertoire of favorites. It's amazing how songs can follow you through relationships, or periods of time, then you might break up with them and maybe in the end you get back together. I'm glad to be reunited with this song-it's so honest and as one of the commenters on the video says, "medicinal." I like that.

Anyday, Ani DiFranco


I will lean into you
And you can be the wind
I will open up my mouth
And you can come rushing in
You can rush in so hard
And make it so I can’t breathe
I breathe too much anyway
I can do that anyday

I just wish I knew who you were
I wish you’d make yourself known
Probably you don’t know I’m her
The woman you want to call home
I’ll keep my ear to the wall
I’ll keep my eye on the door
’cause I’ve heard all my own jokes
And they’re just not funny anymore
I laugh too much anyway
I can do that anyday

Have you ever been bent or pulled
Have you ever been played like strings
If I could see you I could strum you
I could break you
Make you sing
But I guess you can’t really see the wind
It just comes in and fills the space
And everytime something moves
You think that you have seen it’s face
And I’ve always got my guitar to play
But I can do that anyday

Week 7 breathing and music...last country song promise

A very lovely friend made me a "Forget You" C.D and I love, love, love it!!! :-)

So, this is one of the songs from it and yes, it is a sappy country song. And I promise it is the last one, but I like it. It's empowering...not just angry and I think it describes the place I am at right now. I like it also because it is hopeful...like me. Le sigh. I recently read this blog post and I thought it said something really smart: (to paraphrase) It isn't that the breakup is still so painful or killing me, but it is the fact that I had these plans made for my life and what it would like and now they are totally changed. "i can't keep trying to maintain this balance of dealing with the heartache of losing a relationship that i worked so hard to maintain...losing so much more than that relationship...i've had to change the way i envision my future now."http://asongfortheday.blogspot.com/2007/11/so-i-went-to-ani-difranco-concert-in.html

Getting used to living a new life is how I am getting a little bit stronger everyday. I'm still angry that my plans were altered so abruptly and without my consent, but that is the way it goes sometimes. And when that happens it helps to have really good friends around, willing to be buffers, willing to take you out for a night on the town, and willing to just stay in and watch a movie. But friends aren't always going to be there and my therapist has a life besides handling my problems, so I have myself. And I actually really enjoy my own company. I took myself to Black Swan yesterday, first time going to a movie alone. And I really liked it. I didn't have to worry about if anyone else liked it, if they would eat the popcorn and junior mints, or thought it was too creepy...and I only had to pay for me. It's a lot cheaper to just date yourself. So even though I hear those songs and get sad thinking about what could have been, I keep telling myself it will be ok. And I think maybe, I am beginning to believe it.




Sarah Evans, A Little Bit Stronger

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger


And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger