So after the last, controversial, yet hilarious, installment of "You Don't Know How tO Act I," comes another rousing rendition of my not-so-witty banter against my coworkers from my office job this summer. I don't know what it is about white, straight men that they feel like they can say whatever they want to me, and about me, but I was so friggin annoyed that a couple nights ago, after chatting with my friend, we decided the second, "You don't know how to act," had to come into existence.
I have never worked a corporate, or semi-corporate job before. This summer, I saw an ad for a job fair only requiring a college degree and two classes in math, which I have to grade standardized tests. I applied, was hired, and told to come into the center to grade math tests. A few things as caveats: I hate standardized tests, especially for math, and especially because they often determine how much funding a school/school district/state will receive. I think standardized tests often limit the learning process and benefit those who learn in sort of white, middle-class, normative ways. At the same time, by fifth grade, students should probably be able to estimate how many days are in a month and do some basic math based on that estimation. Also, I am broke and was in need of a part-time job and this seemed like a decent fit. Well, educationally, sure, I was over-qualified, but I am not above working for $10 somewhere part-time, so when they said they were going to pay me $10.75, I drove to Longmont pretty willingly.
I was seated in a room with at least 30 tables of 12 people each. We all had a computer monitor in front of us and each table is trained on how to grade a specific question. It isn't hard, I felt like I could pretty much get in, work, and be done. Of course with that many people, with that many egos, it was going to be a challenge to navigate those close quarters. For the most part, I was fine, but I began to realize how sexualized my body became and how devalued my mind and voice was because I am female. The couple times I alluded to my queerness, it was sort of brushed over. What I should also say, is that my experience is not at all unique I'm sure, and the fact that I am white frames my experience in a particular way, meaning, I am privileged even as I am disadvantaged in a corporate space. And while, I felt this more pronounced in the one space, I know from what I have read/heard from women of color, their bodies feel exposed pretty consistently, something I am not as used to. Also, living in the academy, while not intrinsically safe, and has caused pain for many, that has so far not been my over-arching experience (again, I'm white and educated, and I perform middle-class pretty well) so I see how my positionality reflects my privilege. Like my FB status, I am glad to be in the academy, despite its flaws. Luckily, I had two pretty great allies at the table, or maybe I was allied to them? Either way, I appreciate their voices and back up, but this is for the a-holes that felt the need to just blab off to me, because they don't know how to act.
To the white, d-bag meathead across the way:YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT: It wasn't funny when you made that racial slur about Latinos and messing with one bean and the whole burrito. While I made sure to comment on the stupidity of that joke with an appropriate "Wha, Wha, Wha," when the Latino man at the end of the table sarcastically said, "I don't know that one..." when you made the comment about things being "retarded" I realized it was a pattern, not a one-time offense. While I am not about being P.C. being aware of the power and privilege that comes with the historical and political contexts of these words isn't about Political Correctness, its about caring about the ways our language influence other people's realities. Eff you for saying that it isn't the words, but my reaction to them, that makes them problematic! As if feelings, reactions, context, etc could be separate from the word itself? Then you had the audacity to tell me that I was close-minded and not willing to hear another side of the argument. While sometimes I am all for dialoguing and hearing voices of other people, in this case, I really didn't care what you had to say because what you were saying was hurtful to people (including me!), and allowing hurt to happen is something I won't stand to listen to-it wastes my valuable time and energy. I sort of draw the line at perpetuating pain towards others. Finally, when you asked me why I wanted to change the system, "What's wrong with the system," you said, and I said, "IT"S OPPRESSIVE," and you just laughed, I realized, the potential for any sort of dialogue process was worthless. I retract my high-five and fist bump from you, because YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ACT!
To my sneaky senior-reader, who I thought was nice, but was constantly sexualizing me: You Don't Know How to Act! Being female always puts the female body on display, for women from other marginalized groups even more so. All women's bodies are constantly the aim of scrutiny and measurement (I just read an article about ways to talk to little girls that value their minds instead of their appearances!) Anyway, I thought you were a nice guy, sort of nerdy and unassuming, but a couple times you made really inappropriate comments to me i.e. when I had a Banana-flavored Tootsie Pop in my mouth (I won't go there, but you get the idea) and on the last day as I was exiting the bathroom, you said: I just want you to know you have beautiful eyes. Every time I come over to talk to you, they are just so beautiful. While I get this as a compliment, it seems inappropriate coming from someone on a superior position who gets to evaluate me at the end to see if I am re-hireable for future projects. Why don't I get to evaluate you?!?! Not that you did a shitty job, but I would definitely comment on such a thing. And why is my body up for evaluation? Would you have told a male employee how good he looked, or how nice his smile is? Probably not. Of course there are a multiplicity of reasons why you wouldn't do this but it doesn't give you a right to do it to me either. Sneaky senior-reder, YOU DON"T KNOW HOW TO ACT!!
Finally: Mr. Trainer: You Don't Know How to Act! If it wasn't enough that you aren't that good at your job of training, the fact that you do it in such a masculinist way makes me want to vomit. Thanks for making the single mom at my table feel stupid when she asked a question on a specific problem she was grading(last time I checked, it was your effing job to answer questions just like these!!!) But of course you felt that you could speak with her in a patronizing tone, I mean she is obviously horrible at what she does and doesn't understand at all, even though she was the best scorer at the table and EVERYONE knew that! More importantly, she was female, so that makes her less-valuable and in need of a good chastising every once in a while! Ugh. However, Mr. Trainer, wasn't just rude to her, he also forced a guy to sit down and finish listening to the presentation when he wasn't done talking. Of course with him he used a demanding, not patronizing tone, because he's a man and can handle it. He also got an apology later, something which my table mate did not receive. Maybe you should let me boss you around for awhile, see how it feels? Or I could treat you like the ignorant a-hole you are and we'll see how long that lasts? Mr. Trainer, YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ACT!
With all of this said, my job is over and I do not know if I will ever return. It is good pay, but kind of a drive and crap-tastic hours. But the people are so charming, it makes it hard to stay away, she said sarcastically.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
PRIDE Season is upon us
Well, it has been a long time since Blogging, but I finally have a few free moments. I feel that now PRIDE season is upon us, I need to put in my two cents about the complexity of a celebration based around fractured, non-cohesive and diverse identities.
The words of Jenny Schector from the L Word tend to haunt me whenever I think of gay pride. In the episode, not sure which one, Jenny has a conversation with an older woman about celebrating Gay Pride. It goes a little something like this:
Older Woman:What are you doing here?
Jenny:I'm celebrating gay pride, I guess.
Older Woman:You mean gay shame. That's what it really is
Jenny:Why?
Older Woman: 'Cos most of us have more shame than pride.
While Jenny is crazy and the writing for the L Word is less than sub-par, there is something profound about this quotation. Why do we need to celebrate gay pride? Is it because the rest of the year we live in gay shame? Or if we don't identify with the politics of gay pride then what? So these are some of my ponderings.
I often wonder why PRIDE? Why the name PRIDE; why such a need to focus on being proud; why the focus on equality discourse; why all the children; and why does it take the form of an all-to-often apolitical party, where GLBTQ people take their clothes off and make out with people on street corners? I am not saying these are necessarily bad things, as putting judgements on things is not necessarily the best way to understand them, but I am just curious about the purpose of PRIDE.
In the past I have usually attended sort of begrudgingly, with my partner at the time and I leaving early to catch a movie or hitting Sanchos on the walk back to City Park. I have not enjoyed the sort of normative GL politics that surround the celebration, romanticizing partnerships, marriage, children and families. It has always seemed to lack the sort of QUEER intent that could accompany such an event.
This year however, my lovely Lady has never been to a PRIDE celebration and she is excited to experience what it might be all about. I am mostly hoping to come home having adopted (a puppy, not a child) and maybe have scored some free schwag (promotional items, not mari-ju-wana.) I want her to experience it and I want to experience it with her. As she is not someone who has necessarily done a lot of "gay stuff" in her life, who knows what PRIDE may provide for her? A space to make communities visible; a reaffirmation of her identity? Who knows? But there may be some possibilities there and I am excited to witness them. And maybe, she will hate it.
This does not mean squelching my traditional feelings, that PRIDE should maybe be less traditional, but maybe opening up my thoughts to the possibility that PRIDE is sort of a weird thing and seems to reaffirm the sort of in-group/out-group dynamics that make me feel uneasy about identifying as part of a larger queer community in general. Basically, this year may be really different because I have been living in the city for the past year now, which provides me with a network of resources and friends not available to me before. If PRIDE is about community then maybe it will be a totally different experience to HAVE A COMMUNITY, or at least be a part of one.
Maybe it will be different to know that friends of mine will be performing drag, feeling a greater sense of relationality to the people and space? Like I tell my students everything is contextual, so an experience that happened once or twice may not be indicative of how I will always feel about it as the experience is bound to shift and change depending on circumstance and relationships!
Even greater than that, I think my politics have been shifting a bit because ever since this whole going through a life shift, I find myself wanting more stability, less fractured-ness, definitely not wanting to be polyamorous, and maybe wanting kids and a house someday. Wow, what a shift. Maybe that comes from the potential of positive thinking and living.
The other day my friend asked me to think back on my year and he asked me if I was happier with myself and my life. I responded, "Yes!" How could I not be? I have had an excellent year! I got to teach an sort-of-higher-level undergrad Comm class, presented a queer rhetoric paper in front of Dr. Chuck Morris (yep, that's his real name!), visited San Francisco, met my Lady my Lady, moved to Denver, had a TOP PAPER at WSCA, submitted my first pub (which was subsequently rejected, but hey,you gotta start somewhere), met some amazing people, saw Danielle Ate The Sandwich in a private house concert, went to three shows at the Wildflower Pavilion, saw my friends graduate, realized I was one official course away from being done with course work, had a panel performance accepted to NCA for the conference theme, did I mention meeting my Lady ;), moved to the Highlands, lost close to 50 lbs. making hiking, biking and living much easier for my body, had my best friend I hadn't seen in six years come to visit, started trying to deal with my conflict in a more constructive manner, started working on my inner-being a bit more, fell in love, realized I have THE most amazing dog EVER, and so so so many other great things. My life is full of light and love and I could not ask for anything more!
Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Peace, Peace, Peace.
The words of Jenny Schector from the L Word tend to haunt me whenever I think of gay pride. In the episode, not sure which one, Jenny has a conversation with an older woman about celebrating Gay Pride. It goes a little something like this:
Older Woman:What are you doing here?
Jenny:I'm celebrating gay pride, I guess.
Older Woman:You mean gay shame. That's what it really is
Jenny:Why?
Older Woman: 'Cos most of us have more shame than pride.
While Jenny is crazy and the writing for the L Word is less than sub-par, there is something profound about this quotation. Why do we need to celebrate gay pride? Is it because the rest of the year we live in gay shame? Or if we don't identify with the politics of gay pride then what? So these are some of my ponderings.
I often wonder why PRIDE? Why the name PRIDE; why such a need to focus on being proud; why the focus on equality discourse; why all the children; and why does it take the form of an all-to-often apolitical party, where GLBTQ people take their clothes off and make out with people on street corners? I am not saying these are necessarily bad things, as putting judgements on things is not necessarily the best way to understand them, but I am just curious about the purpose of PRIDE.
In the past I have usually attended sort of begrudgingly, with my partner at the time and I leaving early to catch a movie or hitting Sanchos on the walk back to City Park. I have not enjoyed the sort of normative GL politics that surround the celebration, romanticizing partnerships, marriage, children and families. It has always seemed to lack the sort of QUEER intent that could accompany such an event.
This year however, my lovely Lady has never been to a PRIDE celebration and she is excited to experience what it might be all about. I am mostly hoping to come home having adopted (a puppy, not a child) and maybe have scored some free schwag (promotional items, not mari-ju-wana.) I want her to experience it and I want to experience it with her. As she is not someone who has necessarily done a lot of "gay stuff" in her life, who knows what PRIDE may provide for her? A space to make communities visible; a reaffirmation of her identity? Who knows? But there may be some possibilities there and I am excited to witness them. And maybe, she will hate it.
This does not mean squelching my traditional feelings, that PRIDE should maybe be less traditional, but maybe opening up my thoughts to the possibility that PRIDE is sort of a weird thing and seems to reaffirm the sort of in-group/out-group dynamics that make me feel uneasy about identifying as part of a larger queer community in general. Basically, this year may be really different because I have been living in the city for the past year now, which provides me with a network of resources and friends not available to me before. If PRIDE is about community then maybe it will be a totally different experience to HAVE A COMMUNITY, or at least be a part of one.
Maybe it will be different to know that friends of mine will be performing drag, feeling a greater sense of relationality to the people and space? Like I tell my students everything is contextual, so an experience that happened once or twice may not be indicative of how I will always feel about it as the experience is bound to shift and change depending on circumstance and relationships!
Even greater than that, I think my politics have been shifting a bit because ever since this whole going through a life shift, I find myself wanting more stability, less fractured-ness, definitely not wanting to be polyamorous, and maybe wanting kids and a house someday. Wow, what a shift. Maybe that comes from the potential of positive thinking and living.
The other day my friend asked me to think back on my year and he asked me if I was happier with myself and my life. I responded, "Yes!" How could I not be? I have had an excellent year! I got to teach an sort-of-higher-level undergrad Comm class, presented a queer rhetoric paper in front of Dr. Chuck Morris (yep, that's his real name!), visited San Francisco, met my Lady my Lady, moved to Denver, had a TOP PAPER at WSCA, submitted my first pub (which was subsequently rejected, but hey,you gotta start somewhere), met some amazing people, saw Danielle Ate The Sandwich in a private house concert, went to three shows at the Wildflower Pavilion, saw my friends graduate, realized I was one official course away from being done with course work, had a panel performance accepted to NCA for the conference theme, did I mention meeting my Lady ;), moved to the Highlands, lost close to 50 lbs. making hiking, biking and living much easier for my body, had my best friend I hadn't seen in six years come to visit, started trying to deal with my conflict in a more constructive manner, started working on my inner-being a bit more, fell in love, realized I have THE most amazing dog EVER, and so so so many other great things. My life is full of light and love and I could not ask for anything more!
Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Peace, Peace, Peace.
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