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The Bay Area

I have been trying to find inspiration. Lately this has been hard to come by. But I spent a few days in the Bay Area in California and was endowed with a renewed sense of hope. I do not know why I feel at home there--just that I do (maybe there is something about it's affect on me.) I am overcome with feelings of joy and really I have only been there three times in my life. I think at least for the last two I have been seeing people that I really love--people that make me remember what friendship in its simplest and most complex form can look and feel like.

What my trip really made me contemplate was the idea of friendship, and not necessarily in an interpersonal way, but in a cultural and often public form of friendship. What does it mean to perform the identity of friend? Does that look different depending on who you are around or speaking with at the moment? What is my role as a friend when my friend is hurting and in pain? Sick, emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually? How does my performance of friendship with certain friends affect my relationships with other friends, with lovers, parents, and or even pets?

How do friendships exist and maintain themselves when they began within a group, but when that group does not look, act, or even feel the same.

"Kathryn, it wasn't just you who lost it all in the fire, we all lost everything," I was recently reminded. In this moment this speech-act released me. I can't explain it but it made me able to let go of some of the personal hurt I had been experiencing because of things that had happened in my past. As much as I have tried to make losing my previous life about me, I am beginning to realize how far this is from the reality of the situation. Maybe it is my current understanding of the theory of affect, but I realize how public my feelings are, how public they have always been. It's not about me, or at least not just about me.

It's about cultures I have been a part of and helped to create. It is about the necessity it took to create them (whether that need was True doesn't matter, it was perceived as necessary). It is about people I have hurt in order to create those cultures to exclude them from participating in these cultures, it is about hurting people within those public cultures. It is about the "bad blood" that runs through those cultures, the blood that hurts to think about yet can never be forgotten.

While those cultures may seem to be more private or hidden (or are attempted to be kept this way,) they are always on display. The bodies that make up these cultures are often fetishized, made into a spectacle, and mostly cannot remain completely hidden. This is an affect of power on cultures, those in power have the ability to make those attempting to remain private, publicized, and publicized in a way that is often demeaning to the culture in question.

I don't want to become super theoretical here, I have to save that for my "scholarly projects," but it is valuable to think of friendship as public, to think of culture as public, and to think of the public feelings that help create and maintain cultures.

And I will continue to contemplate what it means to perform the role of friend. Does this mean listening to someone cry on the phone? Does this mean taking someone to the hospital? Or having an in depth conversation about gender? Does it mean reflexively looking at oneself to see one's flaws because a friend has suggested it? Does it mean letting go of a friend when your time together has ended? Does it mean forgiveness? What does performing "good friend" look like? And what does it mean to not perform adequately and commit to the performance of "bad friend?"

I don't have answers. I never have answers.

new song

I heard this song and I am really not fond of the new Brandi Carlile album-yet. But for some reason this song really spoke to me, especially in regards to my weekend in Chicago at the NCA convention. That was a really hard weekend. I think as I wrote to someone (a great friend) recently, sometimes it is important to apologize even if you unintentionally hurt someone, because you hurt them, the reason doesn't matter. And I have felt that I have been apologizing a lot lately, for various reasons. But I am done now-for awhile. One person can only apologize so many times before it makes them break. However, that weekend I felt like a really shitty person, a bad feminist, and a terrible scholar. But I am hearing this song and it is my song for that weekend. Probably should have heard it before I broke.

Before it Breaks, Brandi Carlile

Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat
Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed.

But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it aint so, say I'm happy again

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I'm all right. Don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars?
Don't I wear them on my sleeve?
When you're looking for a crossroads,
It happens every day
And whichever way you turn,
I'm gonna turn the other way

Say it's over, say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Learn to let it bend before it breaks

Say it's over say I'm dreaming,
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

--

video

blogging: or neglecting to blog

I realize I haven't written since Jim's death. At least not on this blog my performance blog

This quarter has been hard. Grief is hard. Especially ambiguous and ambivalent grief. My classes hard and painful. Maybe one day I will post some of my journal in my other blog.

Living in Denver has its ups and downs. I dearly miss my mountains and the peace and relief they give to me. But I like city life, things open past 8 p.m., drinks and dinner with friends, being able to actually get work done because I don't have to drive as much.

I love my job. I work with students in one-on-one consultations where I collaborate with students on how to make their writing improve. I have learned a lot of things myself about my own writing and how I need to improve on some of what I am and have been doing. I really love it, it is very satisfying.

I take my comp exams in about two weeks and I am scared. Scared shitless. I am not prepared, my readings (articles, books etc) are a mess. I have to move my things back to my house in EP for a month or so.

But I am also going to the Bay area. I love that place I have such happy memories although I have only been there one time. That is my treat to myself. My desire is to travel more even if it is just to visit friends in the U.S. I don't need to go anywhere big to feel as though I am at the very least not stagnant.

I have felt it very hard to write. My body feels to raw almost too painful. It will come back one day. One day soon.

I leave for Chicago on Thursday to present at the National Communication Association conference. Another thing I am super nervous about.

So there is a short but sweet update. Me in a nutshell.

Jim's memorial

Weds. was my stepfather's funeral. it was one of the saddest and hardest moments of my entire life and my mother wanted me to speak and do part of the family eulogy. It was extremely hard but I thought sort of profound. I realized how different it is losing a grandparent as opposed to a parent. Once one's parents begin to pass it becomes very very serious. At least to me. And very real. while i think death can be peaceful it is also scary how fast it can come on. Smash an aunt, see a coyote carrying a piece of dead animal carcass, or one's body becoming a toxic waste dump. It can move so fast and that is scary. While I wanted death to be fast and I wanted that to be wish, i cry now for maybe wishing it too soon. Anyway, I decided to post the eulogy I read in between the tears and choking back the sobs.

--

I am Kathryn Hobson and I am Dawn’s daughter and for all intensive purposes Jim’s stepdaughter. I know we have heard from so many and I do not want to put you through too much more, but I want to pay tribute to Jim and his life with my mother and our family, and his life and friends in Estes Park. However, I have found that my own words seem to skim the surface of what he meant to these people. So I am sharing their words in order to make up for my lack.

From Meghan:

When I think about Jim and they type of person he was, the following words come to mind:

Honesty

Compassion

Love

If I let my mind wander, there's always more words I can find that fit the person Jim was, but these were the first words I thought of, so for me, they were the ones that Jim helped teach me the meaning of. These words were more than just values that Jim carried with him everywhere - they were his actions. And although Jim's actions were hardly ever over the top or grandiose, you knew that everything he did came from a place of sincerity.

I had the fortunate opportunity to be a part of the family and home that Jim and Dawn created a few years ago, but the most profound memories I have of Jim were ones where I spent time with him, Dawn, Kathryn, and Liana. Most of these moments surrounded running basic errands or sitting down for a meal. But it was in these everyday moments that I bore witness to something truly amazing. I saw a father who loved his daughters, and a husband who loved his wife. I saw a man who was willing to accept anyone and everyone for who they were. He met you were you were at, and walked beside you as you grew into the person you are today. Jim took me into his home and his family because Dawn and Kathryn had asked him to. He did not know anything about me, but he accepted me from day one. He treated me just like I was another part of his ever expanding family, but I did not ever feel insignificant or unimportant. Quite the opposite really - whenever I was around Jim, he made me feel like I was the most important.

From Jane:

The thing I will miss most about Jim is the way he used to pick on me. He would always find something to tease me about. The artichoke dip, the soufflé, and whether or not I had seen any monkeys lately. I will miss these moments.

From Donna

The Selfless Servant by Jamie Sams

The selflesss servant remembers

the challenges along the way,

but meets each Sun with wonder,

the pleasure of greeting the day.

The joy that fuels the selfless heart

is seeing the changes that come

to every weary traveler that hears

the heart song of Earth Mother's drum.

Affecting the lives of those in need,

With a smile or a helping hand,

brings unseen rewards to the heart

that the selfish do not understand.

Returning to others a percentage

of the abundance we have known

is the sacred wisdom of sharing,

a gift of the seeds we have sown.

Where do we find these servants,

Who choose to selflessly give?

They stand with the Wisdom Keeper,

having remembered,

that to give is to live!

From Lilly:

My favorite memory of Jim would have to be in the mornings. When he would wake me up in the early morning around 6:30 saying time to get up, time to get up. And then later while I was getting ready he would count down how many minutes I would have until we left to school. He would say 20 minutes Mabel and then 15 minutes or 8. I loved waking up to him in the morning, and hearing him blow his nose so loud it would cause an avalanche on Longs Peak.

From John:

Ascension, Colleen Corah Hitchcock

And if I go, 
while you're still here... 
Know that I live on, 
vibrating to a different measure 
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through. 
You will not see me, 
so you must have faith. 
I wait for the time when we can soar together again, 
--both aware of each other. 
Until then, live your life to its fullest. 
And when you need me, 
Just whisper my name in your heart, 
...I will be there.

From anonymous:

I guess in the end I am just lucky to have known him

From Jerry:

In his life time, Jim Martinsen was wise enough and kind enough to lend us, for time immemorial, his good senses about life and how it should be lived. He lays dead but his counsel hardly so! When the grade is steep and treacherous, he will counsel us to dig in and throttle up. When the grade is soft and gentle, he will pour us a glass of wine and raise it towards the heavens. When we reach our own deathbeds, he will call us to relax and join the gentle waters flowing in a direction other than what we have known. You see, Jim Martinsen was more than a husband, father or friend --he was an engineer; he was a planner and a man who could transform a dream into a deed. We need men like him. He gives a whole new meaning to the concept of "after-life"

From me:

I will never forget Jim's smile, his "What do you say________?," His "Kathryn how are you" emphasis on the “are.” I will never forget how he liked to blast the air conditioner in the car, or how he owned a canoe he never used. I will never forget how he and I could run a game of hearts when we played on a team together, practically able to read each other’s minds. I will miss the way that I can no longer just stick a letter on the counter and that it will magically disappear, I will miss that the recycling used to just get done, and that he never complained when I snuck bags of trash into the dumpster. And most of all I will never forget the way he saved me and took care of my mother and I will be eternally grateful for that.

I have walked with many fathers

And none

You were one of them

You have given so much

to so many

And you are dearly loved

Thank you so much for all you have done

Even when I have been a pain in the ass

I promise to keep being smart in school

And keep getting A’s.

Love always,

Your Big K

From Dawn:

I will miss you as the days grow short

And the nights grow long,

I will miss watching the hawks circle our house

As we sat outside on the warm summer evenings

I will miss eating dinner while the snow swirls around

The dining room windows

I will miss the sounds of your making coffee

And the sounds of your quietness

As we spent long lovely quiet days together

I will miss playing cribbage, watching college football and late night movies and

I will miss our good night couple ritual of hugging and exchanging “love you’s “

And most of all

I will miss the empty side of your bed every morning

As I wake to face every day.

And now…

Jill will sing a song that at least to me and hopefully to others here holds some special memories of the last few weeks of Jim’s life.

--

I like to think that this was my performative eulogy, but I am not really sure I did all of these people justice, I hope I did.

To My Big J

I have walked with many fathers

And none

You were one of them

You have given so much

to so many

And you are dearly loved

Thank you so much for all you have done

Even when I have been a pain in the ass

I promise to keep being smart in school

And keep getting A’s.

Love always,

Your Big K

I'd like to leave you with something valuable, he said. You probably already have, I said, but we take most of our lives to remember that, even in the best of times. Brian Andreas, “Best of Times.”

--

My stepfather passed away today at 3:50, one year to the date that my grandmother passed away. I've declared that from now on this day should not exist on calendars and I plan to crack open a bottle of Shiraz and play cards (Shiraz for Jim and cards for he and my grandmother) and celebrate them both. They were both people of great faults but the love they showed for so many is something worth remembering. I will never forget Jim's smile, his "What do you say________?," His "Kathryn how are you" emphasis on the are, I will never forget the way he saved me and took care of my mother and I, how he liked the car to be really cold, how he owned a canoe he never used, how he and I could run a game of hearts really well when we partnered together, how he let pretty much any riff raff into the house, his positive energy, and that he never had to say I love you because really I just knew.

A friend of mine said he was an enlightened being and that he ascended. I like to believe that's true even if I don't believe much in that spiritual stuff. Because he did a lot of really good things for a lot of people.

--

I have walked with many fathers and none

You were one of them

We walked together

Through some rough times

You and I

But we have always walked

Most places together

and I think in the end

That's what really matters

--

Brett Dennen: A man full of love

So last weekend I went to the Rocky Mountain Folks Festival and had a blast. We got free backstage passes, something our friends were extremely jealous of. Backstage allowed us access to food, cheap beers, and very close seating. In fact we were first or second row pretty much the entire day.

Obviously things in my life have been really chaotic as my last blog posts have all dealt with death and the pain of losing someone I love. But this day really helped me to remember how much love there is in the world. It is very cheesy-but it's true. There are a lot of people in the world who care deeply not just about issues but about people. There have been times this summer when I have seen the worst in most people-seen people with very little to no soul. I have seen people ravage my family and squelch them. I have seen friends hurt in ways that are unimaginable. I have seen disease take over someone's body. It's scary how much evil there appears to be at times.

But there has also been a lot of love this summer. A lot of reconnecting-re-coming together. A lot of love has been shown to people. And that was truly what Folks Fest was celebrating this year. A coming together of people to try and bring the love back into our relationships with others. (I feel very bell hooksian right now-with the love and all.)

First there were monks who performed some ritualized songs and chants and meditations. It felt very spiritual even if I am not an extremely spiritual person. Then Ellis, one of my absolute favorite performers from the Twin Cities performed an awesome set. Her music is so amazing because it is all about living in the moment, breathing, and just being. And she is just a great story teller. I can't wait until they put her on the main stage.

--

--

But the really great part of the day was seeing Brett Dennen someone who I hadn't really listened to a whole lot prior. Talk about the queerest most endearing and eccentric individual I have ever seen performing live music. I mean the dude used to be a camp counselor and he is seriously quare looking. I thought he was just another Jason Mraz or John Mayer-but the boy has some serious moves and charisma! And he is just full of love and wanting to change the world. It was just surreal to be so close to him and in his presence. These are just samples.

--

There is so much more, BD

When I heard the news,
My heart fell on the floor
I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore
In these trouble times its hard enough as it is
My soul has a known a better life than this

I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,
While others dont seem to feel a thing
Then I curse my whiteness,
and I get so damn depressed,
In a world with suffering,
Why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a women who lives in Colorado,
She built a monument of sorts behind the garage door
Where everyday she prays for all whom are born
And all whose souls have passed on
Sometimes my trouble gets so thick
I can't see how Im gonna get through it
but then I'd rather be stuck up in a tree
Then be tied to it

There is so much more.

I don't feel comfortable witt the way my clothes fit
I cant get used to my bodys limits
I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues
They cost a lot of money but they arent worth a thing
I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete
I need to get out of this city
Lay apon the ground stare a hole in the sky
Wondering where I go when I die
When I die.

--

And this one being all about love...

The One Who Loves You the Most, BD

When the sky is falling from above you
And the wind is raging from the coast
And you want someone who truly loves you
I will be the one who loves you the most

When the masquerades in burlesque falls
But come too ordinary to boast
You complain about the rain and hurting calls
I will be the one who loves you the most
I will be the one who loves you the most

When the women with their stolen graces
Don't invite you to play host
To their daughters with fake faces
I will be the one who loves you the most

When all the debutants desert you
All the doorways are all closed
And all the harlequins who've hurt you
I will be the one who loves you the most
I will be the one who loves you the most

When you'll suit a sneering swank beside you
And leave you hollow like a ghost
And you just want somebody to come find you
I will be the one who loves you the most
I will be the one who loves you the most

When you forgive your imperfections
And you've auctioned all your clothes
And you look to see your true reflection
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most
You will be the one who loves you the most

--

I mean check out those moves! And let him remind you that YOU are the one who loves you the most!

--

Oh and then I climbed a mountain. Bringing me a little closer to myself and pushing my body beyond what it knows and comprehends. It reminded me that I love myself the most fer sure. And right now that is maybe the most important thing.

It's hard to say what is worse

I can't even write.

Every time I try to compose a thought in my brain, I can't. It's always incomplete, what I am thinking and feeling.

It's life. Bad things happen. I feel like this is the mantra people have been shouting at me loud and clear. But it still sucks.

And I have been here before. And it still sucks. Having experience doesn't make death easier. Having experience doesn't make life that much easier either.

and I can't write. and this is what happened last time. Write they tell you, when you are stressed and need to get things off your chest. But I can't. I can't write when I feel this way. Like a ball of endless tension and energy is invading my stomach wanting to explode from me. But it doesn't. It stays bottled up-stored away for another day another time.

I wish it was fast. This dying thing. When it is slow and you have to think about it, have to care for someone experiencing it, there is no good way to be. Except to ball up this tension, this energy. Store it away for another day.

I wish it was fast. This dying thing.

singing songs in sacred circle

As some of you may know my stepfather was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and due to the nature of pancreatic cancer and when it is detected through symptoms it is untreatable. The doctors have given him 2-6 months to live although some I have talked with tend to gauge that as on the low side. But better to shoot low than two high and end up with disappointed family members. Because of this rapid decline in his health he has been having several visitors-family and friends wishing to see him before things get too ugly or sad or depressing.

With this came his children from his second marriage and is grandchild. It also brought his sister from Toronto (I believe) and his cousin. It became a mini family reunion of sorts. Needless to say the week was filled with some interesting times and some really beautiful and strong memories.

To begin with, it is hard to recognize why all of these people are coming, I shouldn't say "these" people, just people in general. It is hard to recognize that during the fun times, the laughs, the tears, why we all ended up here together. But I do believe that things happen maybe not for a reason, but as they should, or even better as we will them to.

I will never forget the beautiful moment: We had all just gotten back from horseback riding, which, I have to admit was the worst ride I have ever gone on. The scenery sucked and consised mainly of the low-income and assisted-living arrangements is Estes Park, which are both fine places, but I don't need to pay money to see them. And our tour guide started off on the wrong foot from the beginning, criticizing Obama, for a "methane tax." Now I don't care one's political views one way or another (o.k. that isn't totally true), but please, Please, PUH-LEASE, do not share them with me while I am on a touristy trail ride at your ranch. Needless to say he made no tip from our group of hippie, progressive, mainly Obama-supporting group.

But afterwards, when we are gathered at my mother's house for dinner something sort of magical happened. My stepfather was on the couch, surrounded by his daughter, her husband cooking in the kitchen, his two sons, one with girlfriend, ex-wife, sister and children, Jill busted out her guitar. She had been playing some folk-y favorites from a song book from my stepfather's daughter, when she was asked to play Indigo Girls, "that Galileo song" in fact.

So she began playing and those of us who knew the song which, were quite a few, began to sing along. "How long 'til my soul gets it right, did any human being ever reach that kind of light?" My stepfather began to tear up, my mother wailing with tears, and all of us singing this song. "I call on the resting soul of Galileo king of night vision, king of insight."

Bittersweetness. Beautiful music, with eery subtext. At least my thoughts, wandering to when and if we would ever be sitting in a circle like this, complete. Wondering if we could ever sing this song again and not think of that moment. That moment when the affect was palpable, the tensions between fear and beauty were alive, and yet dying. Wondering what will happen when my stepfather leaves, if we will all still be family able to sit and sing and just be with one another?

"How long til my soul gets it right?" We all have to ask ourselves that question. Is there a time when we get it right? Right enough to be ok with resting one's soul?

Kathryn Hobson's Best Week Ever

So this week has definitely been one of firsts and inconsequentially has also been one of the best and most interesting of my life.

Mon.

Normal day

Tues.

My mother tore her achilles tendon and so I had to pick her up from the dr. after she had a shot in her heel. This did not add to the best week ever, but definitely the craziest.

Weds.

Lily Mountain

I decided to go on a nice fairly easy hike this morning. Hoping to get both my dog and myself out of the house (yes I hike alone or with dog) I decided on a trail that is in National Forest Land. It was a challenging ascension but towards the top it becomes so worth it. The last third of a mile maybe is all rocks-like large boulders. I usually don't let Indigo off leash but there was no way to scramble up the mountain holding the leash. So we both climbed to the top and I was so proud of myself. I mean I had literally just climbed up my first mountain-and alone and with my dog not running away. And I just stood there looking out at this amazing view and all I could think was wow! I did this! I got bored waiting for other people to hike with that I finally just went and it was so great.

Lily Mtn p. II

The way down was significantly more frightening. I decided to follow my dog because she seemed to know the best/easiest way down from the Boulders and so it seemed like a good plan. So I followed her until I realized all of a sudden that we were no longer on the trail and in fact I had no idea where we were. I had no idea which direction we had come from (except for up) and had no idea how to get back to the trail. Luckily I had phone service (yes most the trails I hike do) and I called Little Boats and was like I am lost. I have the dog but she keeps looking at me like where are we? Where do we go? So how do we get down from here. Luckily she gave me some tips and I attempted to scale down the mountain-off the beaten path. Mind you I am wearing Chacos the whole time and trying to balance while on steep parts of the mtn. Needless to say I ended up sliding portions down on my @$$ and ended up ripping the entire seat out of my pants so that they became a form of @$$-less chaps. It was the most frightening and yet exhilarating thing of my whole life. And I made it down. Well Indigo led me back to the trail after having a near run-in with poison ivy, scaling down rocks, sliding down rocky hills, and eventually ending by falling on/over a tree acquiring a large splinter. So I escaped with only minor gashes, bruises, and scrapes to most of my body but we made it both up and down.

Boyztown

Later that night I drove down to Denver to meet friends and ended up eating, drinking, and later going to the (gay) male strip club, Boyztown. Well let me tell you that I felt totally out of element, however, following their lead, I decided to try to relax and have a good time. I have never sexualized men's bodies before, always thinking, that while there are attractive men in the world, I am just not attracted to them. But I can't lie, there were some truly beautiful and sexy men at this club. Although the club itself is a lil' skeezy. So sipping on my Miller Lights, and feeling like I walked into some sort of strange dream, I was approached by one man in particular. Beautiful. That's all I can say. Beautiful. And for some reason he liked me. Guys like him, never go for women like me. Normal sized women, normal looking women. And I was so flattered that I found myself unable to tell him that I was gay and in a relationship. I found myself in this strangely liminal space of excitement yet utter fear. And I didn't want it to stop. Although I realized later after his attempts to pursue me, that ethically I should have told him. But I wanted to live out a fantasy in the land of fantasy. And I tell you what it was the largest ego enhancer I have had in awhile. Sad it had to happen because of a man, but hey, some are hot. And I'll take that.

Thurs.

After rushing up the mountain on only four hours of sleep, I managed somehow to babysit, although pretty poorly. It did involve a lot of television. Sorry A's.

Rockies Game

That night I has plans to go to a Rockies game with my dad and his brothers. I don't spend a ton of time with that side of my family. Partially because I am not invited a whole lot. So I was so glad to get to spend some time with them. It was really pretty fun and a good game too. Although baseball is not my favorite sport, I found myself able to get into it. And of course what is a baseball game with out stadium food? So that was pretty great too. Just the smells even. And the Rockies won against the Braves, which, didn't hurt either.

Fri.

Facebook

So I had always sworn that I wouldn't get Facebook because I had so many issues with Myspace and thought FaceBook was just so lame. However, I had sort of been thinking of joining because it seemed interesting and fun, especially now that I don't have a real job, and do have lots of time. So I joined and immediately had friends waiting for me. And it is kind of fun also a little bit addicting. So I am only allotting myself a certain amount of time with it throughout the day. I don't want to worry about what I will miss on Facebook and end up missing out on in life. But you can find me and be my friend now.

Gem Lake

Friday I hiked Gem Lake with a new friend and it was a very nice, "moderate" hike (as she and I like to call it.) Although the steps towards the top were kind of rough, I didn't know anything of steps until the next day. But once we got to the summit, we were able to take a break by the lake and chill out for awhile. We got some great pictures-I love that about KN, she loves pictures and I hate them. So I'll let her take them and send them to me.

Big Smith

That night Little Boats and I decided to head down to Ye Old Rock Inn after eating Indian Food to see the rockin' rootsy, blue-grassy, Missouri, zydeco sounds of Big Smith. And it was a great show. I love their music-it is so fun to just romp to. And the place wasn't too crowded so romping was possible. And Little Boats' roommate was here from Telluride and he is so rad and just sweet and fun. It is a week of reunions that is for sure.

Sat.

Chataqua

Saturday morning I woke up and drove to Boulder to meet my good college friend Jo to hike in Boulder. Well we did hike a short ways, but it was like 95 degrees, sweltering hot. And the trail we picked had huge never ending stairs. So I whimped out like a mile and a half up the trail-my calves were still dead from Weds. near run-in with death. But we had such great conversation and so much fun to just spend some time together. Much needed time.

Rock Creek

Last night finished off with a nice jaunt down to the AP to camp at Rock Creek. It was a great one night car camping trip. And we got to bust out our new tent and although we forgot the fire wood we were able to collect enough to make a pretty decent fire. We grilled and just had an excellent time.

Sun.

Meadow Mtn.

So today after waking up by a river Little Boats and I headed to one of our fave places in the whole world: the Meadow Mtn. Cafe. It is this quaint little cafe in AP, where you share tables with strangers and eat some amazing non-greasy breakfast and lunch food. The best thing about it was its new deck arrangement-sort of like a garden with lots of beautiful flowers, cool hanging art pieces. The people are friendly, the food is good-need I say more. And right down the road is the beautiful fresh spring of water where you can go and get the most AmAzing water. No plastic bottles just fresh pure mountain spring water.

We finished the night with Little Boats' bff rolling in from Steamboat and going to his brother's house where we ate some fresh elk burgers and were able to enjoy their mountain property.

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So my week has been a bit crazy and I am so close to being almost done for. I do have an interview with a rafting company this week, but we'll see. I will honestly say this summer not working has been the best thing of my whole life. I don't remember not working during high school, college, grad school. Always working, because that's what people have to do. That is one thing I love, people up here don't always work, or they don't work to make money. They make enough money to survive while doing what they love. It is neat to be a part of and I don't want to lose it but know that I will eventually. Until then...I keep playing!

i did it

i did it...i broke down and got facebook. i wasn't going to-ever, I hate the facebook. it is a crazy maker. but once my dad, uncle, and brother told me they were on it i decided it was time. iam a sell-out. officially speaking.

Video from Perez Hilton

So I watched this video that Perez Hilton put up on Twitter and thought it was very interesting. It is a video of some urban black youth harassing a twenty to thirty-something white gay man.

watch the video:

I think the power differentials going on here are very interesting. Of course I am against hate speech towards the gays but I don't think that it is necessarily fair to show the youth in the video in this way. I am not going to write a whole heck of a lot about it here...I just don't have the energy, but I would hope that people wouldn't see this and automatically assume that all black people are like this and hate the gays because I just don't think that's true, especially because I saw so many queers of color at PRIDE in Denver this weekend. But I have a feeling that videos like this one are problematic in perpetuating racial and class stereotypes. But I do think the guy experiencing the harassment has at the very least waaaaaaay more patients and guts to stay quiet then say me. Non-confrontational has never been my style.

Movies

One movie I hate, one movie I love:

He's Just Not That Into You

Rating: Double/Triple Bleh

This was one of the dumbest movies I have ever seen. I get so frustrated with all of these supposed post-feminist, women inspiring, girl-power movies that end up falling flat on the face of women's liberation and feminism. Why is it that in the end everyone ends up generally in a relationship (it isn't just this movie I'm thinking Sex and the City also) like being alone isn't a satisfying enough choice? This movie is a projection of women's insecurities around being alone, and while being in love is like an accessory to your girlfriends, what do the women in this movie talk to their girlfriends about? Love, marriage, men, relationships, not giving up on finding love, all of this stuff that-many things women pretend are not significant, yet give all significance to. All the while this movie appears that the women are somewhat in control of this, their discussions about these things liberate them, but they don't. Instead all of the women are at the mercy of the men in their lives. And the storyline I felt was actually good between Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck totally succumbs to the whole heterosexual life pattern although they supposedly were going to be fine not being married and going through the whole production of marriage. This movie was about a half-hour too long, and yes it's one of those movies where they showed all the good parts in the previews.

Everything Relative

Rating: Three Whoots

I think maybe I have written about this movie before but I don't remember-either way it deserves its praise here. This independent lesbian film is truly a classic of queer cinema. As with most lesbian movies it is full of cheesy dialogue and awkward moments, but that is what makes it great. This movie isn't trying to be something it's not, instead it wants to focus on issues faced by a group of friends who were old college friends, detailing the ways in which they used to be on the front-lines of political activism but have now had to convert to making their personal lives the root of their politics. It drags up issues from the past between the friends who were once lovers, reluctance of some to be fully out, dealing with death, the straight woman's attempt to become pregnant, dealing with families, loss, grief, and memory. And of course in true old-school (and for some more modern) lesbian fashion it is complete with sing-alongs and vibrators. I'm not gonna say this is a great work of cinematography and movie-making, but the plot is there, it has the potential to be very relate-able, and it does get political, in that it talks about race (although the majority of the main cast is white though Jewish), the religious right, class, sexuality, abortion, coming-out...all interesting stuff. Anyway, I loved it wish I would have watched it sooner than I had, and it will continue to be on my top list of lesbo films from now on.

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Clip from Everything Relative

Elk Calf Goes to Preschool

The following video is of my preschool and a baby elk that was born right by it a couple of weeks ago now. I think it is cute and funny and you can actually see me (as if that were the most important thing) in the background of the "teacher" shot. I will probably never see an elk calf and cow that close again in my life and I actually have some great photos of it suckling the mama and the mama stepping on its head (it was an accident.) So enjoy!

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Meg Hutchinson

So I recently made two awesome cd's for people-because that's what I do...

An artist recommended for my tastes via Itunes Genius was Meg Hutchinson. Granted I am always leery about recommendations but I really like what she has to offer. Simple lyrics (I am a lyrics girl for sure) about simple natural landscapes and elements. Two of my favorite songs of hers are I'd Like to Know Someone and Seeing Stars. I think Seeing Stars is one of those songs that describes a moment when you realize you are generally content and able to see something beautiful among everything that makes you upset, makes you feel violated, or insignificant in some way. I think that readily describes my move from Columbus, a grand city with many fine offerings, but also lonliness, sadness, and depression to Colorado. I can't say that my entire time has been easy or peaceful, there are so many moments when life is not these things-no matter where I am, but at least I can plant a garden, go hang out at the lake with Little Boats, take my dog somewhere nice-like my porch, and see something beautiful. And in these moments I feel the utmost queer sensation-happiness and pleasure. Things I write about but quickly dismiss when it doesn't relate to sexuality or orientation or desire. But what about peace, isn't it queer to feel peace? To feel joy when queer people are told they shouldn't? Is desire for happiness synonymous with conformity? I have to believe it isn't for my own sanity.

So I offer two songs by Meg Hutchinson that give me peace, make me think of good friends and the fortune of simplicity.

Seeing Stars

Bugs out on the water, make it look like rain
Leaves on every tree, once again turning
Summer’s past but it’s never far
If you look real close you might see scars
But me, yeah me I’m only seeing stars

Evening light, on a gravel path
I could be scared but I’ve had enough of that
Oh, big old moon, rising up
Even in this light you might see scars
But me, yeah me I’m only seeing stars

When they take everything
And you’ve got nothing left
A deer in the headlights in your hospital bed
Just dreaming of a simple life
A gentle man, a solid night
Me and the dog, down at the reservoir
If you look real close you might see scars
But me, yeah me I’m only seeing stars
Oh…

Seems all your songs are about leaving
Seems both your hands are about now
Geese up in the sky, home through the dark
If you look real close you might see scars

But me, yeah me I’m only seeing stars

and...

I'd Like to Know Someone

I’d like to know someone
Who’s known months without sun
I’d like to know someone
Who’s learned how to sleep
When the night’s still bright
I’d like to know someone
Who comes from the mountains
Like a wall against my waves
I’d like to know someone
Who knows the quiet time
After the song is sung

Cause I’m quick to love
Quicker to tire
I’m looking for a slower burn
A better kind of fire

I’d like to know someone
With music in their lungs
I’d like to know someone
Who lets stuff off the hook
Throw back the little ones

And when you’re not afraid to stay
I won’t be afraid of morning
And when you’re not afraid to say
I’ll never be afraid, to listen

I’d like to know someone
Who knows I came undone once
I’d like to know someone
Who knows deep where they come from

continuing...

12.) gardening-I really love this past time although I thought I never would. I am not a big fan of worms but I can deal with them to fill in the pit outside my house with flowers. Yay!!! Summer time and gardening.

11.) Yoga in the morning. As with sun salutation yoga in the morning is awesome. It is actually helping my back, calming my tension. This may have to be one that continues into the next school year.

These are a few of my favorite things...

So finally-whew its been a loooong two years!  Finally I have finished my classes for my M.A. although I still have to take exams in the winter.  But now it is summer and finally I am taking a small break-only to return to school work.  But in the past couple of days I have been able to experience the summer and it has helped me remember to experience life a bit.  So I have made a list of some of my favorite things.

10.) 30 rock.  I love this show.  I am Liz Lemmon as embarassing as that may be.  And all of the talk about whether or not she is a feminist and whether or not the show is a feminist show or not really bothers me.  Are we still so narrow minded that we can only view feminism in a really specific way?  That bothers me.  Yes Jack comes in to fix things a lot, unfortunately he is the boss and sometimes that's what bosses do-fix problems.  But Liz is still working on finding herself as a head writer for the show that she doesn't always know how to fix everything.  I get the criticism, but lets give props to Tina Fey for creating a really effing funny show that deals with race, class, gender, and sexuality.  It's not perfect-few things are, let's take a gem when it comes along.

9.) New Moon on CD.  I have been listening to it and I like it a lot.  I am obviously a bit far behind in the whole saga reading thing but it always takes me awhile to jump onto a pop culture phenomenon.  It is a much better book/story than Twilight.  Twilight is basically, in my mind, like When God Writes Your Love Story with Vampires.  The second book goes much more in depth into the story adds new characters and the whole *spoiler alert* werewolf thing. I love Jacob.  I want him to win out in the end but I know that won't happen.  Even though Bella is still the lamest female character ever, the story is interesting.  For an awesome female lead read His Dark Materials-much better.  But I think New Moon gonna make a neat movie.

8.) Grilling.  I eat meat now and it's good!  I love eating grilled meat and eating outside although it is quite cold these days.  Cooking outside is so awesome-I forgot its pleasure since I finally own my first grill.  Plus with grilling comes all sorts of vegetables and fruit (farmer's market what what) in order to make beautiful and colorful meals.

7.) Running/Waking with my dog.  This is funny because it isn't me running and walking the dog, it is more the fact that I run and she looks at me like OMG you are going so slow while she is walking beside me.  It is really funny!

6.) Sun Salutation-I love yoga in general but upon waking doing a few sun salutations to welcome the day is really nice and peaceful.  It allows me to go through my day remembering how great the morning was!

5.) Working at preschool.  The kids can go outside!

4.) Season Four of Weeds.  This show is so ridiculous as per usual-so campy and trampy.  But so far I am loving season four.  Oh if the L Word writer/s could only have done as good of a job-then it would've been AmAzing.  I love the cliffhangers at the end of every episode, it makes me really glad to own the entire season so I can just watch.

3.) Reading for pleasure.  I almost forgot how to do it.  I wanna read Harry Potter with a pen in hand and I have to remind myself not to worry about it.  I also read everything in the voice of the character-thus, it takes me forever to read the parts by Dumbledore.

2.) Blogging.  Funny story huh?

1.) Just Be-Ing.  I am practicing the art of doing nothing.  This may seem idle and selfish, but I feel like we have to take care of ourselves to take care of the world.  We have to breathe, to stop for a moment and realize that we are in a moment, a moment loaded with power, privilege, marginalization, and oppression, but then just Be.  Not all the time, but on occasion.

Words of Wisdom on the PhD

I received this as an e-mail and I think it is interesting and helpful.  don't know what happened to points 1-6.  But I think it is interesting to think about all of those things they don't tell us in graduate school and the things we should know upon leaving.

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The posting below gives some excellent - and at the same time humorous - advice on completing your PhD. . It is Chapter 2 - The PhD, in the book What They Didn't Teach You in Graduate School: 199 Helpful Hints for Success in Your Academic Career by Paul Gray and David E. Drew. who are professors at Claremont Graduate University in California, one in information systems and the other in education. Between them they were students in 6 graduate programs, taught full time at 7 universities, and mentored over 50 PhDs, many of whom are now tenured professors. Copyright 2008 by Stylus Publishing, LLC. Cartoons copyright 2008 by Matthew Henry Hall. Published by Stylus Publishing , LLC, 22883 Quicksilver Drive Sterling, Virginia 20166-2102.

It can be argued that you do job hunting (the subject of chapter 3) before you receive the PhD. However, the PhD is the prize you seek above all from your graduate experience. We therefore discuss it first.

(editors note: the numbering does indeed start at #7).

7. Finish your PhD as early as possible. Don't feel that you need to create the greatest work that Western civilization ever saw. Five years from now the only thing that will matter is whether you finished. If you don't finish, you are likely to join the ranks of "freeway flyers," holding multiple part-time teaching jobs.

8. Be humble about your PhD. You don't need to flaunt the degree. Everyone has one. Many of your colleagues, both in your institution and outside it, will be put off if you sign everything "Doctor" or "Jane Jones, PhD" In fact, the main use for Doctor is making reservations at a restaurant. When you call and ask for a table for four for Doctor Jones, you will get more respect and often better seating.

9. Remember that a PhD is primarily an indication of survivorship. Although the public at large may view your doctorate as a superb intellectual achievement and a reflection of brilliance, you probably know deep in your heart that it is not. It represents a lot of hard work on your part over a long period of time. You probably received help from one or more faculty to get over rough spots. Your family, be it parents or spouse, stayed with you over the vicissitudes of creating the dissertation. You stuck with it until it was done, unlike the ABDs (All But Dissertation), people who complete all the other requirements but bail out before they finish their dissertations.

10. A PhD is a certification of research ability based on a sample of 1. The PhD certifies that you are able to do quality research. Unlike the MD, which requires extensive work with patients followed by years of internship and residency, the PhD is based on a single sample, your dissertation. The people who sign your dissertation are making a large bet on your ability to do quality research again and again in the future.

11. A PhD is a license to reproduce and an obligation to maintain the quality of your intellectual descendants. Once you are a PhD, it is possible for you (assuming you are working in an academic department that offers a PhD program) to create new PhDs. Even if your department does not offer a PhD, you can be called upon to sit on PhD examining committees either in your own or in neighboring institutions. This is a serious responsibility because you are creating your intellectual descendants. Recognize that if you vote to pass someone who is marginal or worse, that PhD in turn is given the same privilege. If candidates are not up to standard, it is likely that some of their descendants will also not be. Unlike humans whose intergeneration time is 20 years, academic intergeneration times are 5 years or less. Furthermore, a single individual may supervise 50 or more PhDs over a 30-year career.

12. You must have the PhD in hand before you can move up the academic ladder. The world is full of ABDs. We talked about them briefly in Hint 9 and will again in Hint 161. ABDs may be much abler and more brilliant than you but they didn't possess the stamina (or the circumstances) to finish the degree. In our judgment, being an ABD is the end of the academic line.

13. Be aware that the key danger point in any doctoral program is the one where you leave highly structured coursework (Phase 1) and enter the unstructured world of the qualification examination and the dissertation (Phase 2). Here are two strategies to help you navigate Phase 2:

1. Stay in touch with your professors, especially your adviser. One of us insists that students come in for a meeting each week, even if nothing happened. Just the fear of not being able to report anything stimulates the mind.
2. Meet regularly, ideally every week, for lunch or dinner or afternoon coffee, with two or three fellow graduate students who are also struggling with Phase 2. Compare notes and progress.

14. A special note for the part-time student working on the dissertation. Although all PhD students used to be on campus and often worked as teaching or research assistant part-time, in many fields today that attract midcareer students (for example, education) the norm is to work at an off-campus job full-time and on the PhD part-time. Others, such as computer science students, develop an idea for a start-up company (e.g., one of the founders of Google) and drift from full-time to part-time. We applaud part-time PhD students. This hint is addressed to these students.

If you are working on your PhD part time, you will find it difficult enough in Phase 1 to tell your boss that you can't attend that nighttime budget crisis meeting or tell your spouse that you can't go to your child's soccer game because you must be in class. It is even more difficult when you're in Phase 2 to tell him or her that you won't be there because you must be home, in your study, staring at a black computer screen trying to get past writer's block.

As a part-time student, you need to find ways (in addition to suggestions 1 and 2 in Hint 13) to be physically present on campus. You can do so in many ways, such as spending time writing in a library carrel (1). Physical presence is important psychologically. If you never visit campus and become caught up in your work and family activities, you face the danger that your uncompleted PhD program can begin to seem like something you used to do in a faraway time and place.

15. Avoid Watson's Syndrome. Named by R.J. Gelles, this syndrome is a euphemism for procrastination (2). It involves doing everything possible to avoid completing work. It differs from writer's block in that the sufferer substitutes real work that distracts from doing what is necessary for completing the dissertation or for advancing toward an academic career. The work may be outside or inside the university. Examples given by Gelles include:
* remodeling a house
* a never-ending literature review (after all, new papers are being published all the time and they must be
  referenced)
* data paralysis-making seemingly infinite Statistical Analysis System (SAS) and Statistical Package for
  Social Sciences (SPSS) runs
*  perfectionism that doesn't let you submit until you think it is perfect (and it never is perfect)

If you suffer from Watson's Syndrome, finding a mentor (see Hint 5) who pushes you to finish will help you get done. For many, however, particularly those who always waited until the night before an examination to begin studying, the syndrome is professionally fatal.

16. Celebrate your PhD! When you hand in your signed dissertation and pay the last fee that the university exacts from you, go out and Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate! You've achieved something marvelous, and you are one of a very small number in the population who can say you are a PhD. A rough calculation shows that about 3 of 400 adults in the United States hold a PhD. Attaining a PhD is a big deal! Honor that.

A PhD, like life, is a journey. It marks the end of one stage and the beginning of what lies ahead. Don't fail to appreciate the moment of your accomplishment. Yes, other big moments await you. But like almost every PhD, you never had a moment this big, and it will be a long time before you have another one that matches it.

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The library is a large building filled with books and journals. It functions sort of like Google, but deeper.-based on R.J. Gelles, "Watson's Syndrome,"

2 songs because it's my home stretch

So I am in my last week of my M.A. program and then it will officially be summer.  Time to re-read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince before the movie comes out and to read New Moon and the other books in the Twilight series.  And of course to work on school papers, communication conference presentations and other things to "get a head start" on my Ph.D.  

It is also summer because my small mountain town has multiplied times ten in the last two weeks with tourists and vacationers.  Its a good thing I live outside city limits and live five minutes away from "the bar."  With this has come bonfires, PBR drinking, and dancing to bluegrass in the wee morning hours.  My friend also just left for Wisconsin last night because she is pregnant and in need of help from her parents.  She announced her marriage last night and we celebrate complete with again campfire, PBR, and bluegrass.  We also took pictures of the happy couple and I think for the first time in my life I was considered a bride's maid.  They danced to Wagon Wheel (Old Crow song) and partied it up.  It was the start to my summer even though I still have a paper to write, and a presentation to give.  

My goal this summer is to live up this mountain living because I may never do it again until I am old and grey.  So it is time for BBQ, hikes, the lake, camping in a new tent, and loving the people around me who have so graciously let me into their lives for the last is it two years (maybe three.)  It's been a blast and I can't wait to make this summer memorable.

So two songs...love songs...for those I love...and for the place I live.

Natalia Zuckerman's, Only Trees

I can't find the lyrics for this song but sometimes we have to experience the performance and shy away from textocentrism.

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Second...

Yellow Brick Road, Kris Delmhorst

This is a song dedicated to me...because yes...everything is about me

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I'm off to see the wizard in his castle on the hill
And I never once have known him and I do not know him still
Because his face it is magnificent but you'll never see his hands
And the way he throws his voice around I don't know where he stands

I'm off to see the wizard with his curtain and his crowd
But my hands are not trembling and my head it is not bowed
Cause I'm not looking for any answers, no truths to be revealed
All that I am asking is to show me something real

I'm not on no yellow brick road, got a mind and a heart and guts of my own
I'm not looking for a one to set me free
I'm not on no yellow brick road, I'll find my own way home
I'm just looking for someone to walk with me

Hey you behind the curtain tell me what is it you see:
From where you sit does it appear that everyone is on their knees?
Their eyes are wide and hopeful and the line grows at the door
Do you sit up there and wonder how you'll ever give them more?

Well I'm not on no yellow brick road, got a mind and a heart and guts of my own
I'm not looking for a one to set me free
I'm not on no yellow brick road, I'll find my own way home
I'm just looking for someone

Don't say that it's not lonely up above the crowd
Don't tell me you don't find yourself longing for the ground
And when I asked him one more time won't you tear the curtain down,
He said don't you know there's nothing here but me,
And I said baby who'd you think I came to see?

I'm not on no yellow brick road, got a mind and a heart and guts of my own
I'm not looking for a one to set me free
I'm not on no yellow brick road, I'll find my own way home
I'm just looking for someone to walk with me

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