To whom it may concern,

I will say the definite challenge is feeling as though I may have done something wrong. That I have been unfaithful. When what I care about most is not hurting, anyone else and also myself. I am sick of hurting other people because in the end I am the one who ends up the most hurt. And so I try to reconcile how I might be hurting you, when I actually do not even know you. And more importantly you do not know me.

And I need you to understand that I am trying to get over this to find some sort of reclamation of this us-ness, that does not include you. Some place that I can find both ease and discomfort and a space between that feels right, although I do not know exactly how to get there. Only that it cannot be worse than it was before-nothing can be worse than the burden of bearing someone else's pain, someone's pain who you have no investment in hauling around. Yet it is there, nagging. and maybe there is something to this that is important. Everything has meaning.

And it pains me that you do not want to be included. I cannot say why, except that it feels like some sort of judgment towards me. And again you do not know me. You do not know what I value, and whom I hold most dear. Preciousness, my dear, preciousness. Maybe I want you to see me for the monster I am not. I want to know you because sometimes I think we are so alike you and I. And maybe that's why we would never get along, we are actually too similar. Funny to hear that. You can never be too different or too similar. Have to fit just exactly in the middle.

Maybe I want to know you so that I stop disliking you. Because what I know of you, I am not too fond of, although, I think for the most part I do a good job keeping that to myself. And maybe when I see you, I see a little bit of myself. And I think maybe we could know that about each other and it would all be o.k. Because actually I hold you in a very high regard. I was willing to give it all up for you-to make sure you wouldn't lose what you hold most dear. Preciousness, my dear, preciousness.

So to whom it may concern. Please do not judge what you do not know. Please do not judge me. This has never been my burden to bear, but I do it because I have to think it is worth it somehow. I know I won't actually have the chance to ease your mind, to come clean about my part in all of this. But that is just it. I am clean. Not always, not even usually. But this time I am clean.

I am hoping maybe somehow you could actually take this into consideration as you paint this really ugly portrait of me.

Sincerely yours,

me