This is my fave Glee moment!!!
lyrics to Forget You / Cee-Lo
(Chorus)
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shit?
ain't that some shit
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
Yeah I'm sorry, I can't afford a ferrari,
But that don't mean I can't get you there.
I guess he's an xbox and I'm more atari,
But the way you play your game ain't fair.
I pity the fooool that falls in love with you oh
(oh shit she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know n*!$&)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
Yeah go run and tell your little boyfriend
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shh?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
Now I know, that I had to borrow,
Beg and steal and lie and cheat.
Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
'Cause being in love with you ain't cheap.
now, I pity the fool that falls in love with you ohh
(oh shh she's a gold digger)
Well
(just thought you should know n*&$!)
Ooooooh
I've got some news for you
uh! I really hate your friend right now!
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shh?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
Now baby, baby, baby, why d'you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?
(so bad, so bad, so bad)
I tried to tell my mamma but she told me
"this is one for your dad"
(your dad, your dad, your dad)
Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!
Whhhy lady? Oh! I love you
I still Love you!! Ohhhh...
I see you driving 'round town
With the girl I love and I'm like,
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
I guess the change in my pocket
Wasn't enough, I'm like,
Forget you!
And forget her too!
Said, if I was richer, I'd still be with ya
ha , aint that some shit?
And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a...
Forget you!
Oo, oo, oooo
By Cee-Lo Green
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Why I hate STUPID white men
So although I am going through this nasty divorce (of sorts) process, my life still goes on. I mean it has to. In doing this I have been having some family drama since late last night and all day today. I won't get much into it except to say that in the end there were several e-mails exchanged between my uncle and me. Now, for anyone who knows anything about my family, I find them to be awesome and most accepting of me and the fact that I am a queer lesbian. While I am sure they take it in stride sometimes, I know that my mother and my brother love me very very much and are very cool about my life and the way I choose to go about living it. This is not to say being queer/lesbian is a choice, but I believe in a comprehensive view on the formation of sexuality (physiology, language, environment, performance) etc. This is not to air out my dirty family laundry, but I do think it is an important thing to write about, because it is about families, it is about communication, and the communication in itself could definitely be a place for further study in my life.
So the last e-mail I received from attempted to harangue me, saying that what I do in school isn't "real" because it isn't math or science. He also made sure to tell me that he doesn't hate me because I am a lesbian but because I am a mean person (which he also attributes to genetics-weird because we are related?) And then in the last paragraph proceeded to tell me that at least he has a son and that the dildos I use have no semen coming out of them, so I couldn't be a mother anyway. WTF?!? REALLY?!? GROSS! And last time I checked queers were still allowed in various ways to have children. Wow-low blows for sure.
This is why I hate STUPID white men. Now to clarify, not all white men are stupid, far from it. In fact my best friend and my roommate are both straight white men and I love them both very much. What I dislike are white men who try to define my life for me and tell me what I am and what I am not. I am also not a big fan of white men who refuse to acknowledge their power and privilege in this world (of course I am annoyed by anyone who cannot do this!) I am also super annoyed that my school, my job, my life were dismissed so incredibly hard. I mean really, really, math and science are the only real things? I would like to suggest that without communication we couldn't teach those things-in fact we could teach nothing-so really I am pretty sure communication research and study is important.
I proceeded to e-mail this letter which I will include here and then blocked all of his incoming e-mails. I apologize for the profanity and warn now that if it offends you-DO NOT READ IT!
My name is Kathryn-not Kathy-but you wouldn't know that about me,
because you know absolutely nothing about me.
You are a despicable, ignorant asshole. I don't hate all white men,
what I hate are STUPID white men who use things like sexual orientation
as fodder to hit a person below the belt (YOU!) I am in fact a very
nice person, except when assholes like you decide to engage in this
behavior simply out of sport and ignorance. In which case no I am not
the subservient little woman you appreciate. I speak my mind loudly,
and don't abide by the female codes of civility expected by you or
society. If that makes me mean, then I'm glad. I am not angry, nor
spiteful, unless it comes to people like you who refuse to acknowledge
their power and privilege in this world because they are simply too
ignorant to recognize it.
As for what I am getting a degree in, you have no idea what I am doing
or what I value-again in your ignorance you assume you can speak for
and at me, which is exactly why I do the work I do. To keep ignorant
douchebags like yourself from gaining any more power than you already
do. I'm also pretty sure you maybe have a B.A. and did nothing with
it or with your life-you are a loser-plain and simple. So when it
comes to doing REAL things, I am pretty sure you don't do them either,
in fact you do nothing but drugs and being in pain and wanting to die.
Yeah, that's a very decent life and role model you are setting for
your son.
You may actually be the worst parent I have ever seen. Kicking your
child while on family vacation-wow it's a wonder why they let people
like yourself procreate-this is where forced sterilization might
actually come in handy. It's honestly a shame, because your son is
suffering at your own hands and you fail to recognize that. But
again, being anything other than a loser is not your strong point-you
always have been and as far as I am concerned you always will be.
My sexuality is not up for debate or your insults you fucking asshole.
Fuck you.
the end.
To not end in this extremely negative way, I feel like at least I am strong enough to write something like this. I am a passionate person and I love what I do and I am good at it. And I don't abide by the codes of white female civility that says I need to be quite, and subservient to a man, I don't think that makes me mean. It makes me a strong, independent, fierce, and fabulous feminist, of which, I am very proud. So take that douchey white men of the world and for all you white men out there who are doing good work around your identity, power and privilege, I salute you. You are allies not foe and I have so much respect for that!
the end.
Love Kathyn
So the last e-mail I received from attempted to harangue me, saying that what I do in school isn't "real" because it isn't math or science. He also made sure to tell me that he doesn't hate me because I am a lesbian but because I am a mean person (which he also attributes to genetics-weird because we are related?) And then in the last paragraph proceeded to tell me that at least he has a son and that the dildos I use have no semen coming out of them, so I couldn't be a mother anyway. WTF?!? REALLY?!? GROSS! And last time I checked queers were still allowed in various ways to have children. Wow-low blows for sure.
This is why I hate STUPID white men. Now to clarify, not all white men are stupid, far from it. In fact my best friend and my roommate are both straight white men and I love them both very much. What I dislike are white men who try to define my life for me and tell me what I am and what I am not. I am also not a big fan of white men who refuse to acknowledge their power and privilege in this world (of course I am annoyed by anyone who cannot do this!) I am also super annoyed that my school, my job, my life were dismissed so incredibly hard. I mean really, really, math and science are the only real things? I would like to suggest that without communication we couldn't teach those things-in fact we could teach nothing-so really I am pretty sure communication research and study is important.
I proceeded to e-mail this letter which I will include here and then blocked all of his incoming e-mails. I apologize for the profanity and warn now that if it offends you-DO NOT READ IT!
My name is Kathryn-not Kathy-but you wouldn't know that about me,
because you know absolutely nothing about me.
You are a despicable, ignorant asshole. I don't hate all white men,
what I hate are STUPID white men who use things like sexual orientation
as fodder to hit a person below the belt (YOU!) I am in fact a very
nice person, except when assholes like you decide to engage in this
behavior simply out of sport and ignorance. In which case no I am not
the subservient little woman you appreciate. I speak my mind loudly,
and don't abide by the female codes of civility expected by you or
society. If that makes me mean, then I'm glad. I am not angry, nor
spiteful, unless it comes to people like you who refuse to acknowledge
their power and privilege in this world because they are simply too
ignorant to recognize it.
As for what I am getting a degree in, you have no idea what I am doing
or what I value-again in your ignorance you assume you can speak for
and at me, which is exactly why I do the work I do. To keep ignorant
douchebags like yourself from gaining any more power than you already
do. I'm also pretty sure you maybe have a B.A. and did nothing with
it or with your life-you are a loser-plain and simple. So when it
comes to doing REAL things, I am pretty sure you don't do them either,
in fact you do nothing but drugs and being in pain and wanting to die.
Yeah, that's a very decent life and role model you are setting for
your son.
You may actually be the worst parent I have ever seen. Kicking your
child while on family vacation-wow it's a wonder why they let people
like yourself procreate-this is where forced sterilization might
actually come in handy. It's honestly a shame, because your son is
suffering at your own hands and you fail to recognize that. But
again, being anything other than a loser is not your strong point-you
always have been and as far as I am concerned you always will be.
My sexuality is not up for debate or your insults you fucking asshole.
Fuck you.
the end.
To not end in this extremely negative way, I feel like at least I am strong enough to write something like this. I am a passionate person and I love what I do and I am good at it. And I don't abide by the codes of white female civility that says I need to be quite, and subservient to a man, I don't think that makes me mean. It makes me a strong, independent, fierce, and fabulous feminist, of which, I am very proud. So take that douchey white men of the world and for all you white men out there who are doing good work around your identity, power and privilege, I salute you. You are allies not foe and I have so much respect for that!
the end.
Love Kathyn
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
6 weeks and breathing--and music
At six weeks, I feel re-punched in the stomach and that the break-up is finally real. So much of me was waiting to make it through Christmas, because well, I just had to. But Christmas was so hard having to see her, every time anything happened, I almost burst into tears. I held it in to the last possible moment. Then after sobbing a good while on my mother's bed, I felt the need to return to my home in the City, and just debrief with myself. Since then it has been a matter of days (3) since cutting off all contact with my ex-something everyone has encouraged me to do in order to move on. I congratulate myself with every hour, because that is how hard it is to deal with. "You can only control yourself." "Doing this will make you feel empowered." I have to admit with every minute that passes without a call, text, or e-mail, I do feel better. And the other thing that makes it better is knowing that I have the power to do this indefinitely. I could never make contact again, which, at this point is an appealing option.
But since this post is about breathing--and music. I have been getting ragged on for my sad country song posts on the fb (nothing like some sad country music to mend a mangled heart.) In fact I received a list of music, "to change things up a bit." ;-) So I included them into my "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" playlist. And as an Ani DiFranco lover, the first one on the list, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" has really got me because of the amazing lyrics, which, are posted at the bottom. Portions highlighted for emphasis.
But, it is at this moment, as I lay in freshly washed sheets, pondering a shower, I know I will be ok. But part of my being o.k. is continuing to be really hurt, angry, and frustrated for the way I was and continue to be treated. And the only solution I have is cutting someone off. I am open to other suggestions, but I tried the let's be friends right away" and I just don't think it is possible. It's like the line at the end of "Twenty-Something Girls vs. Thirty-Something Women" (and yes, I see the irony as being a person who is only 27!!!) Carrie ends the episode saying, "And then I realised something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the [wo]man who broke your heart." And that is the trouble, if I didn't feel like a washed a worn piece of someone's midlife crisis, maybe it would be different! I would love to hear anyone's suggestions for A.) How to handle the post-breakup and B.) Good breakup songs that are encapsulating of both sadness and empowering. Get on it!
So here's my first song for myself in this series.
Ani DiFranco, Rock, Paper, Scissors
it's rock paper scissors as to whether i will get over you at all. it's
hand against hand and both hands are mine. it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy. a happy meal with a surprise
inside. surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes, exposing all
the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide. this melancholy that i carry
makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i
never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up and tame the
stallions of my wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain. but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain? i think i could accept all these dark
colors as just part of some bigger color scheme if it wasn't for that drippy
string quartet of sadness underscoring each smiling scene. yeah desire drags
me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal. and i'm
getting pretty good at looking at the bright side while the flames ripple on
the sand and swallow me whole. but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel
so grown up at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i never thought
i'd see the day when i would say i give up and break the stallions of my
wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way surrounded by so
much pain/ but how am i supposed to let go of you this way like a bird into
the sky of my brain.
here's a video, which, I think was created by the same person who sent me the list of songs. I could be wrong, but I am thinking not so much.
But since this post is about breathing--and music. I have been getting ragged on for my sad country song posts on the fb (nothing like some sad country music to mend a mangled heart.) In fact I received a list of music, "to change things up a bit." ;-) So I included them into my "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" playlist. And as an Ani DiFranco lover, the first one on the list, "Rock, Paper, Scissors" has really got me because of the amazing lyrics, which, are posted at the bottom. Portions highlighted for emphasis.
But, it is at this moment, as I lay in freshly washed sheets, pondering a shower, I know I will be ok. But part of my being o.k. is continuing to be really hurt, angry, and frustrated for the way I was and continue to be treated. And the only solution I have is cutting someone off. I am open to other suggestions, but I tried the let's be friends right away" and I just don't think it is possible. It's like the line at the end of "Twenty-Something Girls vs. Thirty-Something Women" (and yes, I see the irony as being a person who is only 27!!!) Carrie ends the episode saying, "And then I realised something, twenty-something girls are just fabulous, until you see one with the [wo]man who broke your heart." And that is the trouble, if I didn't feel like a washed a worn piece of someone's midlife crisis, maybe it would be different! I would love to hear anyone's suggestions for A.) How to handle the post-breakup and B.) Good breakup songs that are encapsulating of both sadness and empowering. Get on it!
So here's my first song for myself in this series.
Ani DiFranco, Rock, Paper, Scissors
it's rock paper scissors as to whether i will get over you at all. it's
hand against hand and both hands are mine. it's standing in a circular line,
which is not to say that i'm not also happy. a happy meal with a surprise
inside. surprise, surprise is another bright light in my eyes, exposing all
the stuff i'm not calculating enough to hide. this melancholy that i carry
makes me feel so grown up at the kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i
never thought i'd see the day when i would i say i give up and tame the
stallions of my wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way,
surrounded by so much pain. but how am i supposed to let go of you this way,
like a bird into the sky of my brain? i think i could accept all these dark
colors as just part of some bigger color scheme if it wasn't for that drippy
string quartet of sadness underscoring each smiling scene. yeah desire drags
me right out of myself like a gas soaked rope tied to a piece of coal. and i'm
getting pretty good at looking at the bright side while the flames ripple on
the sand and swallow me whole. but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel
so grown up at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation. i never thought
i'd see the day when i would say i give up and break the stallions of my
wildest expectations. but i do not want to know you this way surrounded by so
much pain/ but how am i supposed to let go of you this way like a bird into
the sky of my brain.
here's a video, which, I think was created by the same person who sent me the list of songs. I could be wrong, but I am thinking not so much.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Those Old Songs
I am trying to learn to love those songs when you aren't singing them to me.
"Peaches in the summer
Apples in the fall
If I can't have you all the time
I won't have none at all"*
I can't listen.
Was going to put it on a cd
for someone else
Threw the whole thing off,
so I didn't.
And I am trying to decide if taking other people on our date is ethical.
Snow falling.
Short drive over mountain road.
Pancakes and Bacon
Coffee
Keep it coming
Stopping for water.
Fill tin bottles.
Have you already taken her there?
I am trying to figure out how to listen to those old songs?
The ones we danced to in our living room.
Old 45's scratching through.
I am trying to understand how I could ever go back there?
It's your place too.
"I know this bar..."**
But it isn't.
I first heard that song with you.
I am trying to decide where it went so wrong?
You couldn't function,
making it so I can't function now.
You said maybe it would be you someday.
Our paths separated.
I never noticed.
Wound so soon with someone new.
Wounded so soon with someone new.
*The lovely words of Gillian Welch
**Ani DiFranco
"Peaches in the summer
Apples in the fall
If I can't have you all the time
I won't have none at all"*
I can't listen.
Was going to put it on a cd
for someone else
Threw the whole thing off,
so I didn't.
And I am trying to decide if taking other people on our date is ethical.
Snow falling.
Short drive over mountain road.
Pancakes and Bacon
Coffee
Keep it coming
Stopping for water.
Fill tin bottles.
Have you already taken her there?
I am trying to figure out how to listen to those old songs?
The ones we danced to in our living room.
Old 45's scratching through.
I am trying to understand how I could ever go back there?
It's your place too.
"I know this bar..."**
But it isn't.
I first heard that song with you.
I am trying to decide where it went so wrong?
You couldn't function,
making it so I can't function now.
You said maybe it would be you someday.
Our paths separated.
I never noticed.
Wound so soon with someone new.
Wounded so soon with someone new.
*The lovely words of Gillian Welch
**Ani DiFranco
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Indigo Girls Holly Happy Days
I am loving the new Indigo Girls, "Holly Happy Days" so here is a little tribute to it!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up
Ah I think I am at five weeks today. Still plugging along. But I have been having lots of thoughts about a post from a couple weeks ago about being friends with an ex.
A while ago, three years-ish, I had an ex, who similar to me now was dumped for someone else (by me). I could sugar coat it in some Starbuck's white chocolate flavoring, but in the end, yes, it was for someone else. As my former ex did to me. Anyway this ex of mine said,(and it seemed cold-hearted at the time, but now I think it is brilliant!), "I cannot be friends with you until you have had your heart broken like this." Meaning, until your ass has been left somewhere in the cold for someone else you will NOT get it.
Now, I think she was/is right on! Because you cannot know what it feels like to be dumped and left until it has happened to you. Of course, it sucks! In fact, I think that without this other person, my breakup would be entirely different than what it is. I think I would be able to accept it in an entirely different way. How can I be expected to be friends with the person who left me for someone else and how effing crazy do you have to be to think that somewhere, five weeks later, that anyone (me specifically) could be friends with the person that I was left for? Yeah, maybe is Sunshine, Lollipops, and Daisy Land (which, is often confused for Estes Park, I admit), but I'm sorry not five weeks later, not even five and a half weeks. This is not a throw everything in the pot, add alcohol (and other intoxicants) and see how it turns out in the end. The sight will not be pretty, that I guarantee. It is not because I am not evolved or enlightened enough, it is because I got fucked over and I don't really want that rubbed in my face, especially on Christmas.
The fact is, when I see a Mini Cooper (especially red and in Estes Park, but that isn't even a necessity) I want to smash it. Metaphorically most of the time, but physically at other times. And I am not a violent person but this situation makes me want to, well, smash things. I can rationalize the break up in so many ways. We were going different directions, we have different values, we live in different places, but in the end, it comes down to the fact that she has a Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up. This is something I do not have. And yes, it make me have irrational bursts of anger, plotting the destruction of this other human. In the end the couple of times I have seen her, I have ignored her, or simply done nothing, because really? What is the point? In the end neither one of them is worth that kind of anger. But yes, I am angry. Still. Five weeks later.
In the end I know it is good that I have no Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up. I am going to be the person to grow, to be able to rely on myself, to figure out what I want in my relationships, not simply fill in a void that exists because of my previous relationship's demise. But, for right now, trying to breathe through this is somewhat excruciating, which, my therapist assures me is a good thing. Wallow in your misery, he tells me, or at least experience your feelings without putting judgement on them. Like, I feel lonely, versus, feeling lonely sucks.
So, can you be friends with an ex? "Not until they have had their heart broken like this."
A while ago, three years-ish, I had an ex, who similar to me now was dumped for someone else (by me). I could sugar coat it in some Starbuck's white chocolate flavoring, but in the end, yes, it was for someone else. As my former ex did to me. Anyway this ex of mine said,(and it seemed cold-hearted at the time, but now I think it is brilliant!), "I cannot be friends with you until you have had your heart broken like this." Meaning, until your ass has been left somewhere in the cold for someone else you will NOT get it.
Now, I think she was/is right on! Because you cannot know what it feels like to be dumped and left until it has happened to you. Of course, it sucks! In fact, I think that without this other person, my breakup would be entirely different than what it is. I think I would be able to accept it in an entirely different way. How can I be expected to be friends with the person who left me for someone else and how effing crazy do you have to be to think that somewhere, five weeks later, that anyone (me specifically) could be friends with the person that I was left for? Yeah, maybe is Sunshine, Lollipops, and Daisy Land (which, is often confused for Estes Park, I admit), but I'm sorry not five weeks later, not even five and a half weeks. This is not a throw everything in the pot, add alcohol (and other intoxicants) and see how it turns out in the end. The sight will not be pretty, that I guarantee. It is not because I am not evolved or enlightened enough, it is because I got fucked over and I don't really want that rubbed in my face, especially on Christmas.
The fact is, when I see a Mini Cooper (especially red and in Estes Park, but that isn't even a necessity) I want to smash it. Metaphorically most of the time, but physically at other times. And I am not a violent person but this situation makes me want to, well, smash things. I can rationalize the break up in so many ways. We were going different directions, we have different values, we live in different places, but in the end, it comes down to the fact that she has a Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up. This is something I do not have. And yes, it make me have irrational bursts of anger, plotting the destruction of this other human. In the end the couple of times I have seen her, I have ignored her, or simply done nothing, because really? What is the point? In the end neither one of them is worth that kind of anger. But yes, I am angry. Still. Five weeks later.
In the end I know it is good that I have no Post-breakup-Pick-Me-Up. I am going to be the person to grow, to be able to rely on myself, to figure out what I want in my relationships, not simply fill in a void that exists because of my previous relationship's demise. But, for right now, trying to breathe through this is somewhat excruciating, which, my therapist assures me is a good thing. Wallow in your misery, he tells me, or at least experience your feelings without putting judgement on them. Like, I feel lonely, versus, feeling lonely sucks.
So, can you be friends with an ex? "Not until they have had their heart broken like this."
Monday, December 13, 2010
One month down...
Well...it is almost one month into single-dom. Everyone keeps asking if it is getting easier and parts of it definitely are getting easier. However, there are other pieces that are just setting in...mainly being lonely and not just having someone to talk to everyday. I think that is the hardest-this learning to be alone stuff. While I am ok with being alone most of the time...it is well...lonely. Yet, I am never really that alone, I have a roommate/s, and a slew of friends, just had a great birthday/party and have been getting to know a million new people. Unfortunately, just being around people doesn't always make me feel so un-lonely but the constant movement does seem to help relieve my mind and angst a bit. It has been 9-10 years that I haven't been single, so learning to trust myself, and mostly trust myself to be o.k. being alone, is the greatest challenge.
What is getting easier: my love affair with the city. While I miss the mountains terribly and my life there, I realize how many great things Denver has to offer. Great people, restaurants, music, vintage shopping, sexy workshops/crafts, even church that doesn't completely scare me. This city has beauty to offer a girl like me. So I'm learning to try to breathe through this new reinvention of myself, mainly because I have to. However, I am getting better at it by now. It seems that I am some sort of nomad who changes her life every three years: and it isn't like a new haircut reinvention, it's more of a life overhaul. So I am learning to love this about myself; I am adaptable wherever I go. Despite this I Still Miss Someone. And that's where this blog leaves off...thinking of how the past shapes my present and with the lyrics of the Joy Kill Sorrow song not available, I am simply posting the chorus and a link to hear the song. This is a band I heard at Rocky Mountain Folks Fest this year and the voice of the lead singer both haunts and uplifts me. I am pretty much obsessed with them right now.
I Still Miss Someone, Joy Kill Sorrow
Well, I'll never forget those blue eyes
That follow me wherever I go
And miss those arms that held me
And all other love
That was there*
*I think this is what she is saying; it sort of trails off towards the end.
What is getting easier: my love affair with the city. While I miss the mountains terribly and my life there, I realize how many great things Denver has to offer. Great people, restaurants, music, vintage shopping, sexy workshops/crafts, even church that doesn't completely scare me. This city has beauty to offer a girl like me. So I'm learning to try to breathe through this new reinvention of myself, mainly because I have to. However, I am getting better at it by now. It seems that I am some sort of nomad who changes her life every three years: and it isn't like a new haircut reinvention, it's more of a life overhaul. So I am learning to love this about myself; I am adaptable wherever I go. Despite this I Still Miss Someone. And that's where this blog leaves off...thinking of how the past shapes my present and with the lyrics of the Joy Kill Sorrow song not available, I am simply posting the chorus and a link to hear the song. This is a band I heard at Rocky Mountain Folks Fest this year and the voice of the lead singer both haunts and uplifts me. I am pretty much obsessed with them right now.
I Still Miss Someone, Joy Kill Sorrow
Well, I'll never forget those blue eyes
That follow me wherever I go
And miss those arms that held me
And all other love
That was there*
*I think this is what she is saying; it sort of trails off towards the end.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Can you be friends with an ex?
It is amazing that as a single gal, I now appreciate Sex and the City in a very different way. This is not to say I glorify, or idealize it, more or less, it is still problematically white, upperclass, post-feminst, feminism, surrounded by the potential for some female empowerment. Potential mind you.
What I notice most now, is how the break up story lines play out. In some situations, people who are dating just stop calling and it's over-poof. Other relationships like Carrie/Big or Carrie/Aidan have a bit more in depth look into the break up. I don't necessarily look for advice or the word of God or anything-but there are some parallels especially between my break up and the second break-up of Carrie and Big. It's apropos really.
In the final ep of season 2, Carrie poses the question: Can you be friends with an ex? And since I am currently in that state of affairs (trying to say friends, while still feeling emotionally exhausted from the relationship) I have to wonder something similar. I feel like I want to be the cool chick who gets it (it's best for both of us blah blah blah) but, how can a friendship happen, when the pain hasn't even subsided? And how can you let something go that is so ever-present in your life? If one person is set on releasing, while the other wants accountability and acknowledgement for the hurt that has been caused, is it possible to continue along with any sort of relationship? At 3 weeks and a day post- break-up, is it too soon to move from Romantic Love-ville to Friend City U.S.A.?
No answers yet, but I am posting this videos which I love from both SatC and The Way We Were
What I notice most now, is how the break up story lines play out. In some situations, people who are dating just stop calling and it's over-poof. Other relationships like Carrie/Big or Carrie/Aidan have a bit more in depth look into the break up. I don't necessarily look for advice or the word of God or anything-but there are some parallels especially between my break up and the second break-up of Carrie and Big. It's apropos really.
In the final ep of season 2, Carrie poses the question: Can you be friends with an ex? And since I am currently in that state of affairs (trying to say friends, while still feeling emotionally exhausted from the relationship) I have to wonder something similar. I feel like I want to be the cool chick who gets it (it's best for both of us blah blah blah) but, how can a friendship happen, when the pain hasn't even subsided? And how can you let something go that is so ever-present in your life? If one person is set on releasing, while the other wants accountability and acknowledgement for the hurt that has been caused, is it possible to continue along with any sort of relationship? At 3 weeks and a day post- break-up, is it too soon to move from Romantic Love-ville to Friend City U.S.A.?
No answers yet, but I am posting this videos which I love from both SatC and The Way We Were
Friday, December 3, 2010
Tips for a successful breakup
Here's to being alone but not lonely
and
Treating friends like lovers and lovers like friends (I don't know who wrote this, but a friend articulated it to me the other night).
So, again, working through my break up I have decided to post some tips for a successful parting that keeps things more than civil and potentially amicable:
1.) The sooner the better. Don't drag the bandaid, rip it and have it remain ripped. This means sticking to what you say. While this is going to suck, it is the only way to breathe and get your message across, and eventually become friends (if you even want that). I would recommend at least starting to talk about the breakup prior to the actual parting-simply because if you love the person and have respect for them, it is wise to be fair and honest.
2.) In a similar vein, don't totally surprise the pants off of the person by breaking the news with no hints of feeling this way prior. See number one for reason why.
3.) Do it before there is a possibility of being someone else (that is more than a crush/make out). I say this because if you are unhappy and become tempted, the other person can be a good catalyst for a breakup, but in the end makes you look like a jerk to the other person and probably feel like a jerk to yourself because you know the "real" reasons why you broke up, but the other person has a nasty taste in their mouth from the cheat (or even potential cheat.)
4.) Do it in person, not via phone, e-mail, or text. If you can sleep with someone, you can break up with them face-to-face.
5.) Do not drop the "It's not you it's me" line because it doesn't work in the end. Instead, propose it as something that just isn't working out, that you are not ready for a committed relationship, or that it is circumstantial (meaning if circumstances were different, your relationship might also be different. Also, it always helps to reassure that person that they were really good to you (if they were), that you love (or have strong like) for them. The person will still feel inadequate, but being authentic and not dropping a cheesy one-liner is the respectful thing to do.
6.) In the end remember it is about you and not the other person. If you are unhappy and cannot get out of that slump, then you should definitely do this and save yourself the painful, explosion that will happen should you wait too long. I will say that this is an extremely hard realization, but in the end you have learned about yourself and what you want in your life.
7.) So it is not bad to do this to someone, it is bad to do this to someone you care about in the wrong way. It is important to be generous when doing this breaking up stuff so that you do not regret your words/actions/behaviors down the road.
8.) Even in the end, there are going to be hurt feelings and expect to get a letter like the link.
and
Treating friends like lovers and lovers like friends (I don't know who wrote this, but a friend articulated it to me the other night).
So, again, working through my break up I have decided to post some tips for a successful parting that keeps things more than civil and potentially amicable:
1.) The sooner the better. Don't drag the bandaid, rip it and have it remain ripped. This means sticking to what you say. While this is going to suck, it is the only way to breathe and get your message across, and eventually become friends (if you even want that). I would recommend at least starting to talk about the breakup prior to the actual parting-simply because if you love the person and have respect for them, it is wise to be fair and honest.
2.) In a similar vein, don't totally surprise the pants off of the person by breaking the news with no hints of feeling this way prior. See number one for reason why.
3.) Do it before there is a possibility of being someone else (that is more than a crush/make out). I say this because if you are unhappy and become tempted, the other person can be a good catalyst for a breakup, but in the end makes you look like a jerk to the other person and probably feel like a jerk to yourself because you know the "real" reasons why you broke up, but the other person has a nasty taste in their mouth from the cheat (or even potential cheat.)
4.) Do it in person, not via phone, e-mail, or text. If you can sleep with someone, you can break up with them face-to-face.
5.) Do not drop the "It's not you it's me" line because it doesn't work in the end. Instead, propose it as something that just isn't working out, that you are not ready for a committed relationship, or that it is circumstantial (meaning if circumstances were different, your relationship might also be different. Also, it always helps to reassure that person that they were really good to you (if they were), that you love (or have strong like) for them. The person will still feel inadequate, but being authentic and not dropping a cheesy one-liner is the respectful thing to do.
6.) In the end remember it is about you and not the other person. If you are unhappy and cannot get out of that slump, then you should definitely do this and save yourself the painful, explosion that will happen should you wait too long. I will say that this is an extremely hard realization, but in the end you have learned about yourself and what you want in your life.
7.) So it is not bad to do this to someone, it is bad to do this to someone you care about in the wrong way. It is important to be generous when doing this breaking up stuff so that you do not regret your words/actions/behaviors down the road.
8.) Even in the end, there are going to be hurt feelings and expect to get a letter like the link.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Keeping it on the up and up
So, yes, after two weeks to the day+1, I am writing about break ups. This is not to defame ANYONE, really it isn't. But I feel like I have had this conversation with people a lot over the past two weeks, and I want to write about it. In a Carrie Bradshaw-esque moment (and yes, I have been religiously watching season 2) I ask: when is it the friends' responsibility to tell you what the fuck your significant other may or may not be doing with someone else when you are not around? I preface this with a caveat, which is, not all relationships are monogamous(2 people in a loving committed hetero/homo normative relationship), I don't even pretend to think that this is a norm for everyone, but if you have established monogamous norms, for your relationship, and especially if mutual friends are involved, do they have a responsibility to divulge when a little "sunthin sunthin" is happening to your unsuspecting mind?
When having these conversations, I have received varied response: some people not wanting to get involved in the private relationships of others; others feel a sense of gratitude when someone told them; while others do not tell out of more loyalty to one person over the other; while yet another feels the need to tell out of necessity for authentic community building. These are just a few of the responses, and honestly, I cannot say I have ever officially been put in a situation, although I tend to make my speculations about these things known. But why do I do this?
Because to me, no matter how hard you try to keep your relationship private, relationships are always public. Your friends/family/strangers on the street help build and maintain healthy functioning relationships. So these folks know many of the interworkings (although not all, and many would deny their involvement), especially if and when you fight in front of them, but relationships are public for many reasons. To me this is because relationships build off of affective ties to one another, impulses of relationality that drive people together or apart. So this complicates things right? I mean if relationships are public, then when you begin to form new relationships with people, the energy-the chemistry-the affective impulse becomes recognizable, even if you are pretending it is not there. Now, this is something people who are closer to the relationship, like friends and family can pretend not to detect, but affect is PUBLIC, so it is there. To me this also means, that the relationship becomes open for some sort of public consumption/judgement and thus, it is free reign for people to talk about, especially to the other person who is in the relationship. So once these affective ties are noticed, is there any responsibility for these outside folks to intervene.
Traditional marriage values would say yes. At weddings they always ask the crowd/audience/churchy folks if they will support the relationship that is being sanctioned by the state and often the church. While, I am not for these rigid confines of religion, there is something to be said about making relationships public. There are also problematics with this, only some people are allowed to make the relations public while others are not, or because certain relationships are more valued than others. So I don't want to fall on this faulty logic outright but, it seems a smart way to go to have those around you who care about you, keeping your best interest at heart. And this shouldn't have to be achieved through a wedding or marriage either.
Of course, there are moral and ethical implications and no one really likes being the center of conflict or controversy. But I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there. Even if there are mutual friends, PICK A SIDE! Of course this reinforces a binary of one or the other and isn't as transgressive as many of my queer political leanings would normally entail, but when a break-up happens, (and only temporarily perhaps) PICK A SIDE!
My advisor's signature line of her e-mail reads, "Refusal to take a moral stand is itself a powerful statement of one's moral position" (Dwight Conquergood). And in the sense of break-ups there should be no less commitment to taking a stand for one side or the other. I am not saying it needs to be that way forever, but the dumb thing is, people choose sides all the time and then say they are not choosing those sides. So just be honest: You knew the other person longer, you don't like the one who was a cheater pants, you are more loyal, whatever...but pick a side. It's ok, in this white civil world to sometimes take a stand and break those stupid norms. Plus, the person who was broken up with, probably needs some friends who hate the dumper-at least for a minute. Be that friend/family member and then let the dumpee decide when you can stop the hating and start the reloving. If you are the dumper, you should recognize that this is o.k. for the time being. Sometimes friendship isn't a free for all and you have to take one for the team. That's what a good friend would do...
When having these conversations, I have received varied response: some people not wanting to get involved in the private relationships of others; others feel a sense of gratitude when someone told them; while others do not tell out of more loyalty to one person over the other; while yet another feels the need to tell out of necessity for authentic community building. These are just a few of the responses, and honestly, I cannot say I have ever officially been put in a situation, although I tend to make my speculations about these things known. But why do I do this?
Because to me, no matter how hard you try to keep your relationship private, relationships are always public. Your friends/family/strangers on the street help build and maintain healthy functioning relationships. So these folks know many of the interworkings (although not all, and many would deny their involvement), especially if and when you fight in front of them, but relationships are public for many reasons. To me this is because relationships build off of affective ties to one another, impulses of relationality that drive people together or apart. So this complicates things right? I mean if relationships are public, then when you begin to form new relationships with people, the energy-the chemistry-the affective impulse becomes recognizable, even if you are pretending it is not there. Now, this is something people who are closer to the relationship, like friends and family can pretend not to detect, but affect is PUBLIC, so it is there. To me this also means, that the relationship becomes open for some sort of public consumption/judgement and thus, it is free reign for people to talk about, especially to the other person who is in the relationship. So once these affective ties are noticed, is there any responsibility for these outside folks to intervene.
Traditional marriage values would say yes. At weddings they always ask the crowd/audience/churchy folks if they will support the relationship that is being sanctioned by the state and often the church. While, I am not for these rigid confines of religion, there is something to be said about making relationships public. There are also problematics with this, only some people are allowed to make the relations public while others are not, or because certain relationships are more valued than others. So I don't want to fall on this faulty logic outright but, it seems a smart way to go to have those around you who care about you, keeping your best interest at heart. And this shouldn't have to be achieved through a wedding or marriage either.
Of course, there are moral and ethical implications and no one really likes being the center of conflict or controversy. But I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there. Even if there are mutual friends, PICK A SIDE! Of course this reinforces a binary of one or the other and isn't as transgressive as many of my queer political leanings would normally entail, but when a break-up happens, (and only temporarily perhaps) PICK A SIDE!
My advisor's signature line of her e-mail reads, "Refusal to take a moral stand is itself a powerful statement of one's moral position" (Dwight Conquergood). And in the sense of break-ups there should be no less commitment to taking a stand for one side or the other. I am not saying it needs to be that way forever, but the dumb thing is, people choose sides all the time and then say they are not choosing those sides. So just be honest: You knew the other person longer, you don't like the one who was a cheater pants, you are more loyal, whatever...but pick a side. It's ok, in this white civil world to sometimes take a stand and break those stupid norms. Plus, the person who was broken up with, probably needs some friends who hate the dumper-at least for a minute. Be that friend/family member and then let the dumpee decide when you can stop the hating and start the reloving. If you are the dumper, you should recognize that this is o.k. for the time being. Sometimes friendship isn't a free for all and you have to take one for the team. That's what a good friend would do...
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