I have been gluten free for about three weeks now; although I have had slip ups. I'm just not used to the fact that so many food use gluten as a binder. Gluten even exists in BBQ sauce, one of my favorite condiments.
As of this summer I became very conscious about the foods I put into my body because I realized how much my body suffers from consuming too much of certain foods and not enough of others. This meant cutting out most of my dairy intake, primarily cheese. But I also drink my coffee black. I also cut out a lot of sugar however, since starting back to school, my sugar has definitely increased, I think it is all of those trips to Yogurtland. I know yogurt is dairy, but for some reason it impacts me in a good way, instead of negatively.
But as of three weeks ago I was told by the Dr. to try to be gluten free for six weeks to see if some of my symptoms, inability to digest food, constant itchiness, and general sloth-like behaviors. There was also a scare that this might be related to my having MS. So I am hoping it is a gluten issue and not the other. So I have stopped consuming so many of my normal foods, or replacing them with gluten free varieties.
With this, I have to admit, I feel probably 50-75% better most days, more days closer to the 75% mark. This is promising. However, it makes it hard to eat and I get annoyed when someone is making pasta and I have to be like, "Oh, I can't eat that." I become annoyed with myself, for being privileged enough to make dietary choices. I'm sure many people with gluten intolerance/sensitivities do not have the choice to buy the more expensive gluten free varieties of foods.
But, at the same time, just because I am privileged to make these choices should I not make them so as to stand in some sort of solidarity with those less-privileged by not consuming them? I am going to say no because I won't be standing at all if I continue to eat the way I had for years without putting any thought into it and if I continue to consume products full of gluten. But it is hard and I am often conflicted by my desire to want to hold myself accountable to my privileges and needing to take care of my body which according to Ayurvedic thought and medicine is all about the foods we consume and at what times during the day/month/season we consume them.
I will say I am lucky to be discovering this in Colorado because there are so many places that cater to those needing gluten free foods. For instance last night at Watercourse, the hipstery Uptown restaurant in Denver, I was able to eat a gluten free vegetarian meal and finish it with amazing gluten free chocolate cake and vegan ice cream. Quite the indulgence, but, when it's available I feel like I need to seize the moment and eat. I am not vegetarian and definitely not vegan, but this place and its sister restaurant, City O City do at least offer gluten free options. So, it isn't as challenging as it could be. My new lady is also very supportive of this huge switch in my dietary consumption. She often checks things more thoroughly then I even do when at the grocery and is willing to get the gluten free pizza because they only make it in the large size. So I am lucky for that too and to have a supportive best friend who said he would eat that way around me too, in an act of solidarity, in great hopes that this proves to be a gluten allergy and not MS. Everyone seems really supportive of that idea at the very least.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants
I must admit, this idea is not solely my own and may turn into mine and RMP's blog on Don't Know How to Act: (Insert group that doesn't know how to act here (again, this will most often be LESBIANS)). I am hoping this can then become a book option and you know turn into a miniseries on LOGO, or if we're lucky we can become the new "Lesbian" Housewives series.
Anywho, I am writing this blog first, because as anyone who reads anything I write knows, I am probably first and foremost, a loving person. I am a person who genuinely cares about others, who is empathetic, and compassionate. I do this because I have an ethic of love in my consciousness at all times. I hope to relate across and through differences, I teach my students, often through example, how to live a life of love, not because of some magic key I will receive to pass go and get into heaven free, but, simply because it is the way I think people should live.
I have to be in a constant reminder that not everyone lives this way. And least of all do they do it with any sort of critical intention. Meaning, that few people think about the power that surrounds all the relationships we are in based on things like race, class, gender, sex, sexuality, age, ethnicity, religion, ability etc. These things mark our bodies in specific ways that are simultaneously unique and communal. People who are part of the dominant groups in these categories (and I'll let you play the guessing game of what those are) tend not to notice, unless trained, how these power relationships function in all relationships.
I write about this because at many different times in my life I have been told I do not perform whiteness well for a variety of reasons. Number One that I will explore right now, I am not very good at the white female civility performance that characterizes so many of the interactions we take place in everyday. Now, I admit, I have learned to be better at the performance, much to my detriment, since starting my more professional life and having to negotiate graduate school in its multiplicity. I want to clarify this as well, this performance isn't fake, it is an authentic performance of myself that I often do to appease other people, "the system," or quite literally, "the man."
But, recently, I have had to bust out of this performance because there is some effed-up Lesbian Shit happening. And I have dealt with it and not just passive aggressively, because oh yes, I sorta went off last First Friday (There was a push and a "F*$! You" involved). Granted this was a month ago, but, I feel that I am going to do it again if I don't lay it out in this public forum so as to maybe create some sort of public embarrassment for these people, or at the very least, get this shit off my chest, in a more civil white female way. Although, civil, I'm not sure quite describes it. If this was an academic paper I would be failing at the moment, "TOO MUCH SET-UP! NOT ENOUGH ABOUT THE TOPIC ITSELF." So here goes. Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants to the Denver Scene!
22-year-old twat face, yes, you remember her, the one my ex cheated on me with (whether emotionally or physically), she keeps effing showing up everywhere I am in Denver now. Granted they are public spaces and so anyone can attend, I feel that anyone with a spine, would at the very least attempt an acknowledgement of how awkward things are and maybe, Maybe, MAYBE Effing apologize for fucking up my life the first time?!? I know this may be hard for a 22 year-old-twat-face to conceive of, that she may have hurt a person of 27 she barely knows, but she did.
So, 22 year-old twat-face: You don't know how to act!! I realize that you and my ex are no longer together; please do not act like this is "No Big Thing," or that it was "Only two weeks." Do you realize how miserable you have made my life, first swooping in to steal my EP life, and now deciding to not only frequent every place I am in Denver, but to think somehow that my friends want to be friends with you and want you to hang out with them? Do you have a GPS Kathryn Tracker/ a desire to swoop in and take whatever my happiness is because it sure seems like it? Oh, I'm sorry, is this too narcissistic for you, maybe it isn't "About me," you are just trying to hang out and have a good time. BS! Grow a pair of ovaries, admit that you suck, admit anything, attempt some humility and then it will be nothing.
Bad Lesbian Friend from EP: You don't know how to act!! It is rude to not talk to someone for months when they are going through the worst breakup of their life and then, out of the blue decide once you are single you want to be friends again so as to use my friends/life as your social inlet to the Lesbian scene. That is just bad friend karma. And you know what is so funny to me, people have been talking shit about you for years and I always stood up for you trying to convince others you are not a bad friend. Ironic, huh? No, I do not respond to texts about "me and my crew" hanging out, why? Because it is just too transparent that you want to use me for my friends (and potential hookups) and no, I am not ok with that.
Bad Lesbian Ex from EP: You don't know how to act!! Do not tell me you have a crush on the former person I was dating. It's rude, and tacky. Sorta like you.
I need an effing flow chart to work through alla this drama. Until then, First Friday comes about but once a month and yes, I will be there, typical bells and whistles on from 9-11, just long enough to get my fix without staying for the portion of the night that turns into a crazy shit show.
All names/places have been abbreviated to maintain anonymity. Please take everything written as a worth a grain of sand and realize, I am just trying on these "Don't Know How to Act" pants for size.
Anywho, I am writing this blog first, because as anyone who reads anything I write knows, I am probably first and foremost, a loving person. I am a person who genuinely cares about others, who is empathetic, and compassionate. I do this because I have an ethic of love in my consciousness at all times. I hope to relate across and through differences, I teach my students, often through example, how to live a life of love, not because of some magic key I will receive to pass go and get into heaven free, but, simply because it is the way I think people should live.
I have to be in a constant reminder that not everyone lives this way. And least of all do they do it with any sort of critical intention. Meaning, that few people think about the power that surrounds all the relationships we are in based on things like race, class, gender, sex, sexuality, age, ethnicity, religion, ability etc. These things mark our bodies in specific ways that are simultaneously unique and communal. People who are part of the dominant groups in these categories (and I'll let you play the guessing game of what those are) tend not to notice, unless trained, how these power relationships function in all relationships.
I write about this because at many different times in my life I have been told I do not perform whiteness well for a variety of reasons. Number One that I will explore right now, I am not very good at the white female civility performance that characterizes so many of the interactions we take place in everyday. Now, I admit, I have learned to be better at the performance, much to my detriment, since starting my more professional life and having to negotiate graduate school in its multiplicity. I want to clarify this as well, this performance isn't fake, it is an authentic performance of myself that I often do to appease other people, "the system," or quite literally, "the man."
But, recently, I have had to bust out of this performance because there is some effed-up Lesbian Shit happening. And I have dealt with it and not just passive aggressively, because oh yes, I sorta went off last First Friday (There was a push and a "F*$! You" involved). Granted this was a month ago, but, I feel that I am going to do it again if I don't lay it out in this public forum so as to maybe create some sort of public embarrassment for these people, or at the very least, get this shit off my chest, in a more civil white female way. Although, civil, I'm not sure quite describes it. If this was an academic paper I would be failing at the moment, "TOO MUCH SET-UP! NOT ENOUGH ABOUT THE TOPIC ITSELF." So here goes. Don't Know How to Act: Lesbians_EP Transplants to the Denver Scene!
22-year-old twat face, yes, you remember her, the one my ex cheated on me with (whether emotionally or physically), she keeps effing showing up everywhere I am in Denver now. Granted they are public spaces and so anyone can attend, I feel that anyone with a spine, would at the very least attempt an acknowledgement of how awkward things are and maybe, Maybe, MAYBE Effing apologize for fucking up my life the first time?!? I know this may be hard for a 22 year-old-twat-face to conceive of, that she may have hurt a person of 27 she barely knows, but she did.
So, 22 year-old twat-face: You don't know how to act!! I realize that you and my ex are no longer together; please do not act like this is "No Big Thing," or that it was "Only two weeks." Do you realize how miserable you have made my life, first swooping in to steal my EP life, and now deciding to not only frequent every place I am in Denver, but to think somehow that my friends want to be friends with you and want you to hang out with them? Do you have a GPS Kathryn Tracker/ a desire to swoop in and take whatever my happiness is because it sure seems like it? Oh, I'm sorry, is this too narcissistic for you, maybe it isn't "About me," you are just trying to hang out and have a good time. BS! Grow a pair of ovaries, admit that you suck, admit anything, attempt some humility and then it will be nothing.
Bad Lesbian Friend from EP: You don't know how to act!! It is rude to not talk to someone for months when they are going through the worst breakup of their life and then, out of the blue decide once you are single you want to be friends again so as to use my friends/life as your social inlet to the Lesbian scene. That is just bad friend karma. And you know what is so funny to me, people have been talking shit about you for years and I always stood up for you trying to convince others you are not a bad friend. Ironic, huh? No, I do not respond to texts about "me and my crew" hanging out, why? Because it is just too transparent that you want to use me for my friends (and potential hookups) and no, I am not ok with that.
Bad Lesbian Ex from EP: You don't know how to act!! Do not tell me you have a crush on the former person I was dating. It's rude, and tacky. Sorta like you.
I need an effing flow chart to work through alla this drama. Until then, First Friday comes about but once a month and yes, I will be there, typical bells and whistles on from 9-11, just long enough to get my fix without staying for the portion of the night that turns into a crazy shit show.
All names/places have been abbreviated to maintain anonymity. Please take everything written as a worth a grain of sand and realize, I am just trying on these "Don't Know How to Act" pants for size.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I put your picture away...
I moved my things out today. Well, I should say the new lady and I moved my things out of my old house today. And all that runs through my head is that horrid Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow Song, Picture. I won't even post lyrics or a vid because I feel like that would be dumb. We all know how it goes, or if by chance you do not, you are one of the lucky few. It was sad to move my things out but a bit cathartic as well. As in, I am excited that soon I can finally be fully liberated from my past relationship and from a place that I loved, but think I have somewhat outgrew (I spiraled out as they say,and I am happy to report that I am so glad I did!)
This weekend before the start of spring quarter, I am going to a step into spring yoga workshop/series with my favorite yoga teacher. Yoga has been really great for me, as there are things I need to let go of for sure.
As I told the new lady today, "I need to stop thinking people will put the same amount of care into relationships, because they rarely do and then I am let down." I am the kind of person who does try extremely hard to make things work, even when they shouldn't work. So I have high expectations, and people tell me that my expectations are what aid in my disappointment. Well, I find this to an outdated and incorrect adage. While, it's true that without expectations, I may not be disappointed, it is also true that without expectations , I wouldn't be amazed and appreciative of the fact that those expectations are malleable and thus transcendable (is this a word? Probably not?) So that when someone shows up at my door with an orchid (because the grocery didn't have maple blueberry sausage patties) I can be amazed that someone has actually been able to exceed those expectations and thus open up my expectations altogether.
I do not think expectations separate me from the present, but actually draw me closer to it. Basically, I think expectations are ok as is planning for the future as long as we also take time to be in the present. This is why I love nidra so much. It is not the meditation that tells you to completely clear you head, instead it asks us to focus our brains in specific ways. This is good for me as I do not think clearing my head is a very realistic option for me.
What I will say, is that I am in recovery. More than in recovery even. A place of joy, because I can look to the future and think about the potential for my life to be this amazing and beautiful thing. I can be in a relationship with a person who knows they want to be with me, who wants to share a home with me, wants to have a family with me (eventually, not tomorrow or anything) and this gives me some real contentment. Contentment through expectations. The yogis might not think it's accurate but the 27 year-old trying to figure out her life thinks it sounds just grand.
This weekend before the start of spring quarter, I am going to a step into spring yoga workshop/series with my favorite yoga teacher. Yoga has been really great for me, as there are things I need to let go of for sure.
As I told the new lady today, "I need to stop thinking people will put the same amount of care into relationships, because they rarely do and then I am let down." I am the kind of person who does try extremely hard to make things work, even when they shouldn't work. So I have high expectations, and people tell me that my expectations are what aid in my disappointment. Well, I find this to an outdated and incorrect adage. While, it's true that without expectations, I may not be disappointed, it is also true that without expectations , I wouldn't be amazed and appreciative of the fact that those expectations are malleable and thus transcendable (is this a word? Probably not?) So that when someone shows up at my door with an orchid (because the grocery didn't have maple blueberry sausage patties) I can be amazed that someone has actually been able to exceed those expectations and thus open up my expectations altogether.
I do not think expectations separate me from the present, but actually draw me closer to it. Basically, I think expectations are ok as is planning for the future as long as we also take time to be in the present. This is why I love nidra so much. It is not the meditation that tells you to completely clear you head, instead it asks us to focus our brains in specific ways. This is good for me as I do not think clearing my head is a very realistic option for me.
What I will say, is that I am in recovery. More than in recovery even. A place of joy, because I can look to the future and think about the potential for my life to be this amazing and beautiful thing. I can be in a relationship with a person who knows they want to be with me, who wants to share a home with me, wants to have a family with me (eventually, not tomorrow or anything) and this gives me some real contentment. Contentment through expectations. The yogis might not think it's accurate but the 27 year-old trying to figure out her life thinks it sounds just grand.
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